Grant me Magic.
Oh god please help me. I know I'm asking for the moon, but I'm not seeking power because I am corrupt. I am seeking power because I want to represent the unrepresented. I want to help the weak, because I am haunted by the sufferings of the weak.I want to learn magic.
I was walking out of my room when the room opposite mine suddenly opened, and a small figure appeared. I thought it was a ghost. Now that I think about it, I'd rather it have been some supernatural being, but no it was...my maid.
She couldn't have chosen a more inopportune moment. Basically, she saw me walking out of my room while I was naked and had a hand full of sperms. I had my pants under my armpits and she had a surprised
"Eh?"
To which I replied with a similar, level "eh?", because I cannot let her hear the fear in my voice if not the game is completely gone. I walked off in a controlled manner too.
All I can hope is that the unlit corridor is dark enough to cover my nakedness =\
Damn, this is so fucked up I'm going to consult the alcohol.
Fuck.
I will die of shame.
=.=
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FACE HER. WHY DOES SHE OPEN HER DOOR SO SOFTLY. WTF.
ALAMAK.
Oh god this is fucked up. Shit.
But I will rise above this.
I will be strong. I will be a giant, I will protect everyone.
Grant me magic.
In other news: Good job. Thanks for leaving me out and then posting the pictures on Facebook. I can't say more, because I don't have the rights to.
-- 3/11/2012 03:31:00 AM
Ambu-lan.
I'm not a chauvinist. I really don't think of myself as one. I let women do things for me, like holding the door open for me. Of course I hold the door open for them if they are staring at my behind, but more often than not I'm lazy to walk fast, so they end up in front of me anyway.And I don't bother rushing forward to open the door for them, because I know they are perfectly capable of opening the doors themselves. I think in this respect, I'm actually quite a feminist.
That's why I hate this next part of the post, because I don't like the fact that it's true:
Bitches need to know their place.
I went out just now to meet a girl, and we both knew it'd lead to sex in her mouth eventually. We were walking over to a faraway (and thus remote) area when she suddenly decided that I pissed her off, because I kept joking about how she wants me so much she would travel continents just to reach me. She couldn't take a joke (a recurring one, I admit), and so she went bonkers and decided to go home. I tried to make her stay, because sex in the mouth is really something I want to try, but she wouldn't listen even when I apologized.
I tried being nice to her, after apologizing I went on to other methods of negotiation like unlawful confinement, restraints (bondage), and eventually rape.
But I got lazy so I stopped after apologizing and asking her the usual
"What's wrong? Are you angry because of what I said? I take back my words, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I was only joking."
"Hey at least tell me why you're angry, so I won't repeat it next time."
"You took such great pains to come over, I really don't want you to leave so unhappily."
It's one thing to play coy, another to play hard to get, and yet another to play fucked up. So I got very pissed and just told her off. I mean, I was being a dick, but I tried to change things around and stop being such a dick. I tried to be nice but she wouldn't recognize that.
I'd rather have sex with a dog than in her mouth, so I left.
I don't understand how men are led by their dicks. Come on man, you have a brain. I refuse to be led by my appendage. It's just gross. I can do things for sex, but I will not give up on important things like my dignity.
Just because you have a vagina doesn't mean that we all want to have sex with you. OK, maybe we all do, but that doesn't mean you can control us. I get tired of guys grovelling for female attention. I want to castrate them all so they won't ever have anything to grovel for.
There's this craze over the show 步步惊心, of which I can make no sense of. I cannot understand how people can bring themselves to watch this show, and that says a lot from someone who can watch Taiwanese 800+ episodes drama serials.
But never mind the show itself, it might be interesting, witty, humorous, or whatever. What I cannot stand is the actual REASON behind watching the show--the handsome boys.
Someone close to me once exclaimed:
I want to start watching 步步惊心! Because there was this scene in which the lead female character nearly got shot by an arrow, and the prince dashes out to push her away from the trajectory of the arrow only to get slightly injured by the arrow. When she asked him why he's willing to risk his own life/body for her, he replied with his usual stoic expression "你受伤我会更痛", and I was like "Awwwww", so I decided to watch the show.
I got freaked out. I cannot believe that I know people like that. When I watch my porn, I don't bother with the looks of the female. Of course she must be presentable, not nightmare-quality, But I don't bother daydreaming about the perfect girl I'd like to watch in my porn, because that is
1) unfair to my future sex partner
2) unrealistic.
Which is why I don't understand females in the sense that they hope for the top quality people, like the someone close mentioned above. She went gaga over a perceived hot guy, and that will heighten her standards, which will in turn eschew perfectly eligible guys from her potential life partner list.
This is the same with all the K-pop actually. Girls go for...whatever boy bands there are, I don't even know any =.=
They are filling the minds of impressionable people that there will always be princes out there waiting for them, so they shouldn't "settle for less".
OK, perhaps that scene was touching, in the sense that it's some kind of selfless behaviour, and I won't go into any arguments over whether it's selfless or just a ploy to get inside her chamber of secrets. I've taken the liberty to take a screenshot of that scene:
 |
| Meh. |
What if it were him who said it instead:
 |
| 你受伤我会更痛 |
I've always liked Kang Kang. But let's face it, you won't have an "Awww" reaction, you'll have an "Eeyer" reaction.
And then you won't watch the show.
A few days back, I was struck with this sudden inspiration--when I get a car, I want my car plate to be simply, number 1. I will have to be very rich to throw money into bidding for such a number. But I want to be so rich I don't mind throwing the money in.
I want it before I turn 25.
I have 5 years to get the...COE is around 80K, the car itself..depends, and the car plate, probably 50K. I don't know.
I'll have to earn a lot.
So, I've decided to come up with a list of things that can help me get rich fast
1) Singapore Pools. Toto/4D is a good way of earning money, and the best way to pay taxes.
2) Casinos
3) Gambling in general
4) Scams
5) Robbery
6) Stocks trading (an informed form of gambling)
7) Male escort
and the list goes on. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like there is no real way to get rich quick unless you want to bend a few life principles of yours. Unless your life principle is to gamble lah.
This sucks, another dream I cannot fulfill.
I keep doing this to myself. I keep screwing myself over. =\
A few days back, I was on the ambulance with a friend. He was being a Merlion, and because he reported sick only at 10PM, they had to send him to another camp where there's a medical occifer to take him. The ambulance doesn't have air-conditioner =.=
And the driver sucked.
And...if I were the injured person lying on the gurney bleeding my intestines out, I'd want to live, because I don't want the depressing innards of an ambulance to be the last scenes of my life.
Imagine bleeding to death with a bunch of people crowding out your face trying to save you. You want to take a last view of your surroundings, of the outside world, before you pass on, but
1) The paramedics are in your face
2) The windows are frosted.
It's for privacy reasons, but I'd also want to be able to take a dying view of my surroundings, to know which avenue I'm dying at, but privacy reasons doesn't afford me that solace.
And of course, there's no air-conditioner.
I don't ever want to go in such a way =\
-- 3/04/2012 04:46:00 PM
Repression management
One of my friends asked me whether the Association has matured me or not. I wasn't very sure how to respond to that, because I wasn't sure whether did it or not.I did learn a few things though.
1) The impotence of anger. The top-down approach doesn't work, because the people with power don't care about abstract things like "emotions", they only care about "accountability". There is no bottom-up approach either, because no one at the bottom dares to make noise--they know it's pointless anyway.
We can only simmer with anger and smoulder in chagrin, and pray for enlightenment over our suffering.
2) Leadership is just a feel-good word. If every person is a leader, why is everyone treated like they cannot take care of themselves? In the Association, what they really need is total control. It does not leave any room for individuals.
3) The importance of money. The Association outsources certain areas of training to companies outside of the Association itself. The Association thus becomes a "boss" of its own right, and it doesn't treat the other companies with respect.
I was talking to a rather high-ranking person once, and he said "That company fucked up one, they are the worst. They try to be like the Association, but they fail at it. I pay them so they should just work. I sacked 2 of them before."
Or something along those lines.
4) The power of games. Give angry people games to play and they'd forget their anger. They will be able to channel their anger into something other than the source of anger itself. People do not forget things easily, but if they find out that there's an alternative, if there's a way to make themselves feel better, to waste their time on, they will take it. And they will still be angry, but no longer angry enough to outwardly express it.
Gaming can control our lives in many ways, and making us apathetic to our very own environment is a very sinister form of control. To fight this, I've decided to download more games before I implode from the stress of not being able to do anything to improve my situation.
There is so much repression and anger I don't even know how to begin to express. Once you start work in the Association, they control your life. And you can't do nuts because you're bounded by the law to comply with whatever shit they want you to go through.
This whole fiasco which led me to the aforementioned conclusions also reminded me of the term "pigeon superstition". Simply put, pigeon superstition simply means that any action of yours can result in a slight cosmic shift that would result in something that is of your favour. Let's say that you're playing card games, and you get a good card immediately after digging your nose. The next time you dig your nose and you get a good card, you'll think that digging your nose would result in getting a good card.
I was tempted to wear red underwear, or avoid wearing certain "known" unlucky underwear. But I realized that I don't want to pin my successes of failures on something so casual as "underwear colour". I can't help but feel that my failure in changing the situation is attributable to the fact that I didn't wear a good underwear though.
Today, I went out with my JC classmates. I went out without 2 things normal humans cannot leave home without.
1) I forgot my handphone. I really don't know why, I remembered to bring my NDS, I remembered to bring my Pokemon Black, I remembered to send my R4 for repairs. But the handphone simply eluded me. I really wonder what's wrong with me sometimes. I got worried because what if they changed the venue?
I found them anyway.
This never happened before. I'm just glad I didn't freak out.
2) I went commando. That is, I didn't wear my underwear. No, this one is planned (;
So I was thinking, if I didn't wear my underwear and the MRT was crowded, would it be considered grinding? If it were, I'd be glad to just participate in this kind of grinding, because I'll be damned to pay to go clubbing when I can get off in a mode of public transport.
The faces you see in dreams are supposedly faces you've seen before. We meet thousands of people everyday (when we step out of our house and go clubbing in the nearest MRT), and any of those thousands of people could become part of your dream. This is quite scary actually. I don't really want to know this fact.
What if a face keeps coming back to me? Wouldn't I feel very helpless when I'm unable to put a name to that face? Wouldn't I want to know that person in depth if he/she is a recurring theme? Wouldn't I become fixated and keep trying my luck to meet that person?
Reminds me of the movie "Next", in which Nicolas Cage kept going to the same restaurant at a certain timing to see whether the girl he'd seen in the future would appear or not.
Last Friday, the one that just passed, was the first book out of the JC batch from Tekong. I was bored and in the vicinity, so I went to see the new recruits. It was an interesting sight, with all of them exclaiming amongst themselves the fact that they managed to survive 2 weeks of BMT, of civilian-deprivation, of everything that makes civilian life worth holding on to.
Kinda reminded me of my first book out, when even traffic lights was a welcome sight.
-- 2/19/2012 04:40:00 PM
Sorry is the hardest word to accept.
Sometimes, your body is filled with energy and you feel like you can take on anybody, you can take on the world. That feeling is exhilarating.Sometimes, your body is sapped of energy and you feel like the whole world can flay you alive and you won't even flinch because you can't even be bothered.
Sometimes you have so much fight.
Just last week, my parents had a gathering of their secondary school friends. De javu much? Naw, it's just that this time, we're the host and it's a different clique.
All of the people invited have children, and one of them, my age, decided to bring his girlfriend along. I don't really know what's his point in doing so, maybe he's bored of just sitting around not contributing to the conversation or trying to make himself enjoy/appear like he is enjoying the occasion, so he decided to cut all pretense and just whack his girlfriend into the situation, but he did it.
And the damnedest thing about this is that his girlfriend simply clammed up.
There's a difference between being socially awkward and being fucking rude, and she crossed the line.
If I'm socially awkward, I'll probably say the wrong stuff, maybe screw up my speech or greetings, and blush and be embarrassed.
If I'm fucking rude, I'll hide behind my boyfriend and not shake the hands extended in front of me, and not exchange greetings with anyone at all.
I was trying very hard to close my eyes to this scene because they were rolling so much.
I cannot fathom how someone who is probably going to be 20 this year (our age) can be so....rude. If we are talking about a child, like a toddler who always clings onto his mother/older sibling and refuse to engage in conversation with the adults, I understand that it is, to a certain extent, cute.
But this? THIS?
You're a teenager, for fuck's sake. Grow up. It's not cute. It's a turn off.
I really don't understand why that guy chose her to be his girlfriend--no other choice? Too lonely an NSF?
If I were to get a girlfriend, she can be socially awkward. I mean, I enjoy watching people screw up. But if she's of such a quality I'd rather throw her away. Someone I can't bring home isn't someone I can hand in as homework done.
My family is important, and if someone's rude to them...no chance.
Speaking about rude reminds me of the current furore over Taiwanese/Japanese singer/actress Makiyo. Recently, she went clubbing with 3 friends, one of whom is a male Japanese friend. After getting slightly tipsy, they got onto the cab, and the taxi driver asked them to fasten their seat belts, which they refused, and subsequently alighted. Here's the report:
http://www.taipeitimes.com/News/front/archives/2012/02/12/2003525256
There are many other reports of course but this is the first that popped up and I'm lazy to do anymore research.
I wouldn't go into the moral issues on how public figures should behave, because I'm not such a moral creature myself. I wouldn't get into how heartless she lied, because there'd be people raving about it already.
What's truly scary about the case is that it highlights 2 aspects of modern life:
1) Big Brother is watching you. Always.
Her lies fell apart only because of surveillance cameras installed in both taxis and shops. Of course, if I were her I wouldn't dare to lie in the first place, because whacking a taxi driver in the middle of the streets isn't the smartest thing to do. Let's face it, even though it's midnight and all, there are still people walking around. There's always people walking around, and as exemplified in this case, invisible eyes.
We live in this climate of fear--we always toe the line not because we want to, but because there's this innate fear that somehow, in some obscure way, your transgressions would be found out.
We never dare to test the system because the notion of the system being completely foolproof is drummed into us so effectively that we're paralyzed with fear.
Often, even when we aren't afraid of getting caught, the punishment promised if we do get caught is too high for us to risk for the seemingly small, insignificant potential benefit of transgressing. For example, if I was thinking of becoming a career snatch thief, I'll think about the consequences of being a snatch thief. If I snatch an old lady's handbag and get like $50, I'll be happy. It's a few minutes of stalking and waiting for the perfect opportunity, so the work I have to put in isn't that huge. Most people don't even earn $50 per hour.
But if I get caught, I face a jail term of N months. So this makes me think, should I risk N months of my life for this $50?
And then I'll get cold feet. And go "This isn't worth the risk."
Is this what life is truly about? So many inhibitions, because our culture promotes it? Because it's a very effective way to get people to toe the line?
I'll applaud Makiyo for having the balls to lie though. I mean, it's definitely a desperate attempt to salvage her reputation, but yea, to have the balls to lie so blatantly is commendable.
2) Humans like to watch other humans fall.
We're all sadistic and it gives us a sense of satisfaction knowing that someone more popular, more well-known, more seemingly accomplished than us as a human being are proven to be human and lousily so. We like to know that we're all the same and we all make mistakes. We like it even more when some people make a mistake so big you feel better about yourself.
Let's face it--we're all insecure dicks.
If it were just any random drunk in the same scenario, it probably wouldn't be so publicized. It wouldn't polarize the media, artistes, and the normal civilians.
3) Sorry is not the hardest word to say, it is the hardest word to accept.
Makiyo went ahead to apologize to the taxi driver's wife. She just kept sobbing and apologizing and sobbing and apologizing and going like "I lost sleep the whole night because I am feeling so guilty" and that kind of crap. See, another case of a female trying to cry her way out of something. It's supposedly much more powerful, this Cry method, when used by a desirable female, but
3.1) I don't have a fetish for Japanese girls, and
3.2) this is too severe a matter.
 |
| The haggard look is recommended for appearing sincere. |
She lost sleep because she feels guilty--or because her career prospects are now bleak? Of course, she can reinvent herself as the repentant girl or something, but that'd take a lot of energy.
But she will get to move on.
What about the wife then? Her husband was in the ICU (I believe he's better now) because he sustained serious head injuries, 2 broken ribs, and a concussion.
How do you expect the victim's wife to accept the perpetrator's apologies, the perpetrator who callously beat her husband up?
"Sorry" is so easy to say. It's one of the easiest way out of anything. If you don't know what you did wrong, you can simply apologize and then everything is fine because it's the magic word. Let's say that you promised to have dinner with your friend, but at the last hour, you pangseh-ed your friend, and left him high and dry and without a dinner mate, leaving him looking stupid because he alighted at the previously agreed upon MRT station and not the one that is closer to home.
All you have to do is apologize. All he can do is accept your apologies, because then, he'd lose a reason to be angry. If he doesn't accept your apology, you can simply say "Why so petty?"
Let's say you stole someone's husband. You apologize to her. But what then? What does it achieve? By apologizing, you're effectively saying "I'm sorry, I didn't want things to turn out this way but it seems that your husband, oops, ex-husband, wants to be with me instead."
And how do you expect your victim to simply accept your apology?
If I hit you and apologized, would you accept the apology and not retaliate?
You know the cliched joke about the word "sorry"?
A: I say sorry already what..
B: You say sorry so what? Then we need the police for what?
A: To catch people who never say sorry lor.
You apologize, because you did something wrong. People accept your apology because you did something wrong to them. Sounds like a good deal to me, paying lip service after doing wrong to people.
Why should "sorry" be the hardest word to say then?
What Valentine's Day?
Valentine's Day is just another day in camp, spent with friends. Even if I do get to book out that'd be just pointless. Big yawn. I have no friends because they're either dating other guys or not gay.
Boohoo so much for it also being a friendship day.
I'm OK with couples walking around already. I'm used to that fact. What I'm not used to is the fact that everyone else around me is pangsehing me for balder pastures and I'm wondering why.
-- 2/12/2012 04:01:00 AM
The Rejection Bacteria.
I've had enough of people ranting on and on about the camera-less iPhone. To be honest I never had much love for Apple products, but I'm not going to condemn anyone simply because he is an Apple consumer.But there must be a line to draw.somewhere. "A new product" simply isn't the best reason to suck Apple's dick. Being the first few of your friends to get an Apple product also doesn't show much about your person. What, you managed to catch up with "fashion"? Please get over yourself.
This is why I hate Facebook. Whenever there's a new Apple product to be launched, people almost clamber for Apple's attention. Like the camera-less iPhone. You pay around $50 more for less features, like no camera, no 3G phone call or "Facetime" or whatever fuck shit they call it. You're paying more for less...so just fucking give it up lah. Must you use an Apple product for the remaining 13 months of your NS life? What happens after these 13 months? Are you suddenly going to go "OH SHIT I AM SO STUPID"?
Humans don't need foreskin, but we must have foresight. We cannot be so myopic as to decide on a watered down version of something just because it's a brand we want. What's up with everyone and touch screens anyway? I prefer to type without looking at the screen, thanks.
Besides, if you really want an iPhone without a camera, all you need to be is resourceful. There are ways to make an iTouch a phone. I'm not going to find out for you if you're an Apple freak, because I frown upon hip NS phones.
Stop being stupid. Ignorance is one thing, stupidity is another, and I consider the practice of paying more for very stupid.
No wait, this isn't even a matter of intelligence, because even stupid people won't do this. This is a matter of common sense.
Sometimes, I just want to kill everyone.
My parents had a class gathering (from their secondary school) last Sunday, and my sis and I were caught in a rather uninteresting environment. The TV was showing some movie titled "The Last Song", starring a pair of teenagers making out whenever they could (which is whenever their parents weren't looking), at the shed, on the beach, in the car, mud wrestling, and then making out all over again.
I don't know who in the right mind would direct this movie and who in their right mind would want to act in such a brainless movie. It was so mindless my sis decided to take it upon herself to relieve everyone of their boredom by flipping through channels.
We settled on Godzilla.
Isn't it quite cool that my parents are still in relatively close contact with their secondary school friends? I find it amazing. I'm never good with connections and maintaining relations, partly because I suck at initiating conversations and partly because I'm quite a sociopath and shun everything popular. So yea.
But isn't it quite scary too? Seeing everyone you've been on the same level with soar to greater heights while you seemingly aren't improving at all? That your children will be used as a gauge of your success in parenting? That everything you do or say might invite envy or condescension from the eyes of others? That everything about you might be judged?
What about parenting? Having kids is the most stressful commitment one can engage in. You can get divorced from a marriage. Being a parent is different though. Let's face it, the verity of your marriage certificate can be changed, but the name of your child's parents will not.
It's a lifelong commitment, and you can never be sure that your child turns out the way you want him to. You want to induce growth, but you don't want him to lean towards a certain area because of an invisible parental force. You want him to grow up in a positive environment, but you don't want to spoil him. You want him to listen to your instructions but you want him to have his own mind. You want him to grow up but you want him to listen to you. You want to cede control of his life to him, but you don't.
Aren't they stressful?
And of course, you want to show off the fruits of your labour. You want friends and relatives to realize that your children are awesome, polite, and whatever. You want them to be impressed by your ability to rear kids.
But you don't want to make your children feel like they're your trophies, that they are your bragging rights, your trump card over the high-flyers you have for friends.
How do we deal with all these?
Fortunately, I won't have to, at least not for the time being. I'm not attached and I realized..that I'm not really looking either. I find flaws in girls so easily, I wonder if there's something subconsciously saying "NO" to every girl that presents herself to me.
I think this comic is true for a lot of guys that I know. Probably not so true for me, but sometimes my balls shrink too. But whatever. I mean, we live only once. So why bother making yourself feel terrible? I mean, why stop yourself from enjoying your life or trying your luck with any girl you have the opportunity to flirt with? Energy is meant to be spent, not stored and slept away.
 |
| Rejection bacteria! |
http://zs1.smbc-comics.com/comics/20120128.gif
We should take things one step at a time. I should get attached first before I start thinking of the kids. Get my point about me being a man of too much foresight now?
-- 2/01/2012 12:46:00 AM
CNY COS.
I didn't sleep the whole night because I had to book in for duty and thought that I might as well sleep while doing this COS duty. So if what I say doesn't make sense, it probably doesn't.You know how some people like to wear their jackets without really wearing them? You pull the jacket over your shoulders but you don't bother putting your hands into the sleeves?
I'm kinda stuck in the office for COS duty on the first day of Chinese New Year, so this translates to a bored young man emulating things he doesn't normally emulate.
In case you don't really know what I'm talking about, here's a picture that exemplifies the very sense of fashion I tried to describe:
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| I like his mouth shape. |
So yea, that's what I meant.
It doesn't keep me warm =.=
I heard this story last Friday over the radio. It was about an experiment done on children. A teacher was feeling sadistic and decided to give every child a piece of candy. She (for it must be a female to come up with something of such diabolical intentions) told all the students that if they didn't eat the candy bestowed by the end of that period, she'd give them all another piece of candy to reward them for not yielding to temptation.
At this point, I was quite confused. I mean, I think it's quite obvious that she's trying to make a point that kids who resist temptation have a higher potential of growing up to become better people, but I couldn't fathom
1) Why the deadline?
2) Why the reward?
Let's face it, candy isn't like potato chips. OK, maybe it is to you, but I don't eat sweets like free. Let's look at lollipops. If a woman gave me a lollipop and gave me conditions similar to the aforementioned, I would definitely eat the lollipop immediately because
1) Women renege on their promises
2) I don't want diabetes.
I think that as a child, I'd definitely take into consideration at least point 2, which is for health reasons. I mean, when I was young I probably thought females weren't very different from us. They didn't have boobs back then, and I didn't watch porn.
If the reward was something really great, or something that can be discussed monetarily, then I might consider not eating that lollipop immediately...
..but since it's a woman, I'll still take whatever I can first (namely, the lollipop).
I was suspicious of the world even as a child. Me, eating the candy immediately after the teacher set the conditions is my way of saying "Fuck the second piece of candy, it's not here it's not going to happen and you're lying". It's not my way of saying "I have no control over my penis".
They then went on to state how the children who didn't eat their candy survived. Were they tempted to eat? Of course they were, it's recess time and they're held back by a bitch with nothing better to do. OK I made that up. But yea they were supposedly tempted, and they distracted themselves by doing work, playing with their pencils, or sleeping. Yes, they specifically mentioned sleeping. I want to be a teacher. I will host this experiment every lesson I have, just to legitimize sleeping in class.
The bottom line here is that the children who resisted suffered lots, like an itch they can't reach. For that amount of torture, how is a second piece of candy going to help?
I'd rather eat the first candy that comes my way and be done with it. I don't care much about candy what =.=
They then charted the progress of this class of kids, and differentiated between those who "resisted temptation", and those who "succumbed to temptation". They found out that -surprise surprise-
1) The "stronger" children grew up to be more successful
2) The "weaker" children remained weak.
What nonsense. If naivety is a talent, the stronger children are damn gifted. Just because a teacher said she's going to give you a candy doesn't mean she would. How does this even relate to future successes? I'm beginning to doubt the verity of this experiment. The presenter (the DJ) might've composed this story on the spot just to finish her homework.
Do you guys get what I'm saying? I'm only half-getting what I'm saying. Sometimes you have to articulate your thoughts before you can understand them. I'm doing just that, but I'm still not making sense of my thoughts and as Fi always says, if you can't convince, confuse and I'm trying to confuse you.
I want to sleep.
And happy Chinese New Year to everyone (:
I really love Chinese New Year. It's amazing how much effort every Chinese puts into taking time off for reunion dinner, family gatherings, stuff like that. It's also commendable that we always pray to our ancestors before celebrating. I like how humility/gratitude is always within our culture. It makes me feel proud to be Chinese.
I've decided that I enjoy going to the temple. There's this...sense of peace. When you close your eyes to pray you feel like someone's really listening to you. I try my best not to articulate what I wish for in words, because if the gods do exist, they should know me better than myself. I'll give them the raw emotions to work with.
The only problem is that I'm too self-conscious. I'm worried that I'll be caught in that kneeling position for too long. My mum and sis prays for some time, and I spend a lot of my time kneeling down squinting and hoping that they'd stand up so that I can take the cue to stand up too. It's a bit weird to stand around waiting for others to be done, and it's very weird to make 2 people stand around you waiting for you to be done.
I think this speaks volumes of a need I have:
I need a lot of time alone.
-- 1/23/2012 09:16:00 PM
Dignity.
According to dictionary.com,Dignity:
1.
bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation.
2.
nobility or elevation of character; worthiness: dignity of sentiments.
3.
elevated rank, office, station, etc.
4.
relative standing; rank.
5.
a sign or token of respect: an impertinent question unworthy of the dignity of an answer.
According to Pascal Mercier,
"That there are things a person wouldn't do or allow at any price: maybe that's what dignity consisted of. It didn't need to be moral boundaries. You could forfeit your dignity in other ways: A teacher who played the crowing cock in the variety show out of subjection. Asskissing for the sake of a career. Unbounded opportunism. Duplicity and avoiding conflict to save a marriage. Such things."
This brings to mind one question:
What would you not do or allow at any price?
There's a dilemma that I've been facing for quite awhile. I've only sourced for one opinion so far, and the source of that opinion has been quite an asshole :c
My dilemma: I have the opportunity to play with tits, real life ones, but I don't want to jump on the opportunity just because I want boobs. I'm a creep, but I don't really want to suffer with the guilt of exploiting someone that I never set out to exploit in the first place.
I'm not engaging other opinions, because I know what I must do, I know what I need to do.
I'm going to force myself into an impasse with my following declaration, and I might grow to regret it because I'm effectively rejecting hedonism, but I have to do it if not I'll accept what might come my way, and exploit the innocence presented to me. I have to write this down if not I'd turn into a monster that I don't want to see myself as.
I'm staking my dignity, and that's all that a man needs. If I lose it, I'm effectively emasculated.
Read my proclamation, be my witness.
I will not exploit any girls who are unintentionally charmed by me.
It sounds egotistic and much like a joke, but I'm fucking serious. If I don't put the effort into charming a girl, but she gets charmed anyway, she's collateral and thus should not be touched. I don't want unintentional casualties of Indiana Jones. Every shot should be an aimed shot, and if it misses the target and ends up hitting another, I'm not going to simply settle for a consolation prize. It's like if I'm aiming for a bird but I end up hitting a deer, I'm not going to pick up the deer for its meat. If it's not what I want, I won't settle for less.
I might not seem to make sense to you but that's fine as long as I make sense to myself, as long as I remember the thing I'll never do.
Because a man who can't keep his penis under control is not fit to be a man.
-- 1/20/2012 12:38:00 AM