I am a jobless sadistic pig, a pervert, and a rapist.
I don't like the way they do things, but I like doing things with them.Does that sum up my love-hate relationship with my work at my primary school succinctly enough?
I guess so. Oh well. It's kinda weird blogging for the last time in the office. They aren't giving me any work, because they know I'm leaving soon. I have this one last hour before this computer changes hand. It's kinda sad actually, seeing how I've levelled 14 woodcutting levels on Runescape with this computer (that's like..hundreds of hours).
But then again, everything that has a beginning has an end, and this rule applies to good things. It ended earlier because of laziness though--I just couldn't bear to wake myself up for one more month at 8.30AM. I can play Runescape at home, for no pay. There are pangs of longing though. I guess I'd have a hard time getting used to being unemployed all over again.
I am a jobless sadistic pig, a pervert, and a rapist. I was thinking of going to a bar alone later, and drink all my money away (that's what all guys work for anyway, for booze or prostitutes, except that I'd rather booze) and attempt to rethink my life when I realized that I'm too lazy to move. It's sad when one's hobby has to be stopped prematurely due to an affliction of the lazybones.
I am a sad jobless sadistic pig, a pervert, and a rapist.
-- 3/31/2011 04:10:00 PM
I had my license revoked.
I've decided that misogynists are an entire race of our own, and you guys are racists.Well, I have a good piece of news for you guys. I'm currently in a lot of shit. I was driving my mum home when I got into a car accident. Right now I'm typing away in the hospital on my sis' laptop. She's kind enough to lend it to me, knowing I still have my Runescape needs. My mum's fine, I'm quite fine too except that I got pretty concussed when the steering wheel hit my head--or is it the other way round? Doesn't matter.
I might get my license revoked. I'm feeling pretty shitty now. Thanks guys, thanks people at the tagboard for making me feel better.
No, fuck you. I get this feeling that I should remove my tagboard, just to force you guys to send me hatemail instead of leaving a tag so conveniently. Sending hate mail is more time-consuming, as it requires you to sign into your email in order to send your dim-witted comments about my posts.
I'm not really into destroying any of your confidence in coherent arguments, but I'd deign to point out a few logical errors.
Perhaps "female" thinks she's being clever, but dude, you know your life is screwed anytime you need someone's posts to agree with you all the time in order to make you feel "worthy". My comments, my thoughts, are my own. If you feel a need to defend your honour, or the honour of all females in the world, then go ahead--it reflects well on you as someone "insecure" enough to bother policing my thoughts in order to stomp out chauvinism/sexism and promote gender equality for a better Singapore, a better life, and a better life for all females in the world.
Dream on.
The only way I'd ever be impressed by girls is when they give up arguing and realize that no one gives a shit about both her opinion and mine. Me making noise and you being defensive reflects insecurity on your part. I don't even know why I have to point this out.
In case you mouth-breathing morons can't understand, I shall use examples:
"Onoz, that guy said something bad about us, we should shoot him."
vs.
"Whatever."
I'd go into a tirade against people who continually assert themselves, but I've already done that last year:
To all flamers, past, present and future, please read before making yourself look like a fool.
Isn't it ironic how keeping quiet and not making a point is the only way of adopting a strong stand against what I have to say?
My Chinese teacher once told the class about a Taiwan politician, Li Ao, claiming that "Singaporeans are all stupid." Insulted, some Singaporeans wanted to form a debate team to challenge Li Ao's claims. When Li Ao heard of this, he immediately came to the conclusion "That's why they are stupid."
Seriously. Don't bother arguing with me. I write what I feel like writing, and I know I'd piss people off. Fact remains that I still wrote the things I did. You're playing into my hands in case you haven't realized. You're being a joke, and I am laughing at you, all of you, for being my joke. Your blurb is testament to the facts I've stated in my posts. Thanks for validating my opinions. Now you can choke on your spit and die.
But you people would still keep coming back for more, as if you're trying to point out something I don't already know. Firstly, there's nothing you know that I don't. Secondly, if there is, I don't care. You people would still tag and make noise against what I write. I don't get it. Don't come. It's that simple. Why read and get pissed off and read again? Stupid.
Also, you people would always make noise because that's what empty vessels do. You guys don't get what it means to remain silent. You guys are unable to do that because a supposedly clever blurb from you against my post would be too hard to resist, and you just want to attempt to snub me.
Stop shooting yourself in your toes. Get a life, move on.
And I lied about being hospitalized. Sorry if any of you felt sorry, but I'm not sorry about making you feel sorry (if you felt sorry in the first place).
The car accident was real though. I didn't actually see my life flash by, but I was thinking something really intelligent, like "Wow I don't think we're going to be able to break in time." The impact was something altogether though. It was like a dull punch to my stomach, and it might have dislodged my kidneys. Luckily, My Constitution Level is 99, and thus I survived. The leaving behind of contact details was quite worrying though. The cars kept coming (we were on the expressway) and my mum couldn't get out of the car safely. I guess this is the third time I had traumatic experiences on the expressway.
But I've kinda lost hope in all automobiles. These chunks of metals shouldn't be allowed on the roads.
After the accident, I was thinking along the lines of "If I were admitted to the hospital, which friend of mine would I contact first?"
I know the answer: I have no friends.
I like to squander my friends. I treat them like shit but they never give up. Sometimes, I don't even talk to them. I don't like talking to them unless I'm really horny and have no better alternative, so I appear offline on MSN everyday and hope they forget about me. But they don't, because they think I'm really intelligent and appealing. But they forget that I don't care about their feelings, and that I change emails at my whim and fancy so that they would never be able to bother me with their incessant emails and offline messages. I am an introvert and this is a private space, you are not reading anything.
No friends? That's fine. I won't get hospitalized. And I don't like company. They don't give me the blowjobs I require.
But anyway, this Chauvinist lives to spread his ideals.
And no, I don't have a license to drive. I'm not bothered, and I'd want to learn using my own money. I probably won't learn anymore due to this traumatic experience, but I know I'm simply making up excuses.
-- 3/27/2011 12:48:00 AM
I AM A SADISTIC PIG, A PERVERT, AND A RAPIST.
I really don't think of myself as a misogynist, but the opportunity makes the thief. Wrong use of an adage here, but it just means that I hate women from time to time. In fact, all the time. Maybe I really am a misogynist, but am too proud to admit that I am biased against all vagina wielders.As a matter of fact, women are stupid. Look how many of them get unwanted pregnancies. If you didn't know, female flowers can choose whichever gamete it wants to be fertilized with, amidst the millions of pores donated by men. They don't even have a brain, but they are able to sift through all that, purely with what could be known as their pussy. Females have brains (surprise surprise), but they haven't learnt to control their vaginas as well. Why? Hasn't evolution taught them anything at all? Can't control pregnancies by yourself? Noob. I'm guessing that all those birth-control pills and contraceptives were created by men, because they want sex so much that they have to assure females "It's safe, you won't get pregnant"--the only reason why women don't want to have sex in the first place.
Evolution obviously hasn't been of help in the art of pregnancy either. Surprise surprise. Why else did Osama's mother give birth to Osama? Couldn't she have built a stronger telepathic link to her child in the 10 months that he took up residence in her womb? Women are responsible for all the troubles in the world, for they are the mother of all those trouble-makers. You might want to start blaming the fathers of such troublesome characters, but fathers always have the convenient excuse of "He/she wasn't in my womb. Fuck you, I have no womb." The smarter ones would go like "I'm not a seahorse."
Unless a man is a seahorse, he is not responsible for a child's character development. Such developments must be made during the foetal state.
Another thing about pregnant mothers is that they love to exclaim really intelligent stuff like "MY BABY JUST KICKED ME!!!111!!!" No shit? The last time I elbowed my wife, she said it was domestic abuse and I got hauled over to the police station. Why does a foetus get away with so much anyway? Shouldn't something be taught against kicking against a mothers' womb? Yes, it's a sign that the baby is in fact alive and kicking, but it's also a sign of him growing up to be unfilial--abortion please. If my child ever kicks me, I'd tear his legs apart and cook them in laksa. Laksa builds character. Pregnant ladies, watch and learn. Resilience is only honed through adversity, and adversity comes in the form of a boiling laksa pot. Threaten to cook them and they'd never do anything unfilial. Cook them and they'd never do anything anymore. Except satisfying your stomach.
Just because the foetus doesn't know shit doesn't mean that it should be exempted from punishment. If I didn't know that rape was illegal and I raped someone, that doesn't mean I get to go off scott-free, right? Why should babies have that prerogative of domestic-abuse-without-police-intervention?
Something must be done about this.
Babies ought to learn how to clean up after themselves. I mean, it'd be really good if they knew how to cook meals in order to express their filial side, but I'd be more than tempted to cook them if I saw them near the pots. Especially if they are cooking laksa. But that's a different story. I mean like, it's perfectly fine they don't know how to cook. But they should at least clean up their shit right? Here's an idea--how about creating a baby room, and leaving the baby alone there? Leave a lot of food around, and milk, and see if the baby is smart enough to find the teat and start sucking. Even baby hamsters know how to survive without parental guidance. Why can't human babies? What the fuck is this, we're stupid compared to hamsters. Someone shoot us with the X-Men ray please.
Let's stop talking about mothers and mothers-to-be. Let's talk about women in general. They annoy the fuck out of me, and kill my boner.
They think that having a vagina means the world to all males in the world (and to a select few elite females who choose to gravitate to their own gender). That is a sexist view that I'd love to stomp out of their colons.
I remember coming across a joke about 2 kids competing with each other over their genders. The boy rode a bicycle and told the girl "I have a bicycle, girls can't ride bicycles, noob." And the next day, the girl rode a bicycle just to snub the boy's nose. After that, the boy rode a motorbike, and the girl followed suit.
The punchline comes when the boy flashes his dick, and the next day, the girl flashes her vagina stating "My mum said that if I have this, I can have as many of that as I want !"
The joke is wrong on many levels, yet it paints an accurate picture regarding the nature of females in present day society.
It shows that
1) They are all insecure and have to prove themselves worthy of men's attention
2) They have random sex and display an exhibitionistic behaviour all the time just to assert themselves to the males that males can't live without females.
3) Sex.
It's not a very accurate story though. Who cares about a vagina? I'm not ploughing my Indiana Jones into someone's crotch unless I want to get her pregnant, because I'm never going to wear a condom or pull out when I'm shooting my seed. So the only ways for females to satisfy me would be
1) Anal sex
2) Blowjob
3) Handjob
4) Footjob
5) Armpit sex
I'm currently reconsidering the fifth option though. Not every woman epilate, so it could be quite a refreshing, albeit disturbing scene when I get chaffed from all the armpit hair of a female being.
This reminds me of that stupid commercial in which a woman goes around showing her armpits. I don't have the time to find the commercial and take screenshots, so I've taken it upon myself to give as accurate a paintjob as I could:
Sometimes, I wish I were making this shit up.
But no. This is true. In the commercial, the lady slides around showing her hairless, fair armpit. The guy was in turn turned on. This doesn't make sense, unless he has armpitphilia or some fetish for armpits. That's unhealthy. Don't do that.
And to the impressionable girls out there, don't use that product unless you want queer men to stare at your armpits as in the commercial. That's truly weird. Really. Unless you want queer men to start humping as inconspicuously as possible against your armpits as you sit on the MRT, don't do that. What the fuck's wrong with you anyway? Why are you showing off your armpits on the MRT? No one's interested, you're stinking up the place, cover the fuck up. I'm not showing off my armpits in its full glory, why are you? Sexist pieces of shit, just because I have hairy armpits doesn't mean that I'm not entitled to show off my mane. And if I don't, despite the beauty and appeal of my hair, why should you when you're hairless? I take that back. Don't flaunt it even if you're hairless. Some things are best kept in the bedroom.
That's why it's called "bedroom antics". Just keep it to yourself and your unfortunate partner who has to cringe his nose and deaden his taste buds whenever you require him to lick your armpits as part of foreplay.
If at this point you're a female and feel insulted, fuck you. Just because you're sexist doesn't mean that I can't be sexist. If there's one thing in common between males and females, it's the 22 pairs of chromosomes and the subsequent phenotypes, and the ability to be sexists. You wouldn't feel half as pissed if this were written by a female. You're only pissed because "Only females can berate other females."
No shit? Your father doesn't scold you? If he doesn't, it's no wonder you're so easily offended. Boring.
If you're a male and you feel insulted, congratulations! You're officially emasculated, please hand over your balls at the next counter.
At this point, I must admit that it's because of recent traumatic experiences with females that inspired this post. I am normally not a misogynist and I love pussies, but something snapped within me and this ensued. Now, you will see the naked me without all the vileness, violence and immortality. I am a victim of circumstances after all. Now, you will see a softer side of me. Therefore, I must make it clear that my bark is worse than my bite:
The thing about females is that they love to flaunt the fact that they have pussies. They treat you like shit and then come back to you when they need you, only to know that you're smouldering with chagrin and indignation, almost as if treating you like shit doesn't warrant such a response.
Then they take a further shit on you by offering you sex in its various forms (as stated above) and expect you to immediately forgive them.
This makes me wonder: Are they pissing guys off just for make up sex?
Then I came to this blinding realization that all women are whores.
As such, I'm not engaging in any sexual activities with females for a long while now. I'm not crippled and I have hands.
And guy friends.
And the Internet.
If I do, that means they win. My pride is worth more than satisfying Indiana Jones. Don't expect me to grovel on the floor for someone who turned her back on me. You girls can burn in hell. That, or in lava. Or a river of semen that you've always craved for from men. Whatever.
-- 3/22/2011 09:45:00 AM
Barney and BJ.
Yesterday, I was horny, so I ordered a girl to come over to Sengkang just to suck me off. How many people in the world can claim to be charismatic enough to pull off such a stint? How many dudes out there are able to make girls gravitate to him? She lives in Jurong by the way, so I'm thinking--not many.The blowjob was pretty OK, but her teeth kept scraping against my Indiana Jones. This was not her fault of course, as I have a huge penis. After awhile, I got severely agitated because she just wasn't doing it good enough, so I started humping against her throat. She couldn't take the sudden introduction of a 20-inch by 7-inch monster, so she gagged. Of course I didn't care about her feelings, because I am an asshole and I did what all assholes would do--I shoved my dick through the back of her neck.
After my ejaculation, I had my OMG-what-did-I-just-do moment, and I realized to my horror the bloody mess her ruptured neck was creating, what with my omnipotent semen flowing amongst the sea of red. She stared at me with pleading eyes and tried to say something really intelligent, probably "Save me", but instead gargled as I had demolished her larynx with my spear of meat. Being the nice guy that I am when I'm no longer a dick, I did what all doctors would do--applying a tourniquet on the affected area, namely her neck.
It didn't have the desired effect of saving her though. Her face turned blue and I wondered if I had accidentally created a new species by honouring her with my seed. Heck, I even wondered if her true alien self were manifesting upon receiving my seed, as everyone knows that my sperms are wanted even by alien life forms.
It thus came as a surprise when she died, though her cause of death remained largely a mystery. Being the detective that I am, I arrived at 3 possible answers for her death
1) The tourniquet killed her
2) The loss of blood was too severe
3) My sperms are nuclear.
I didn't know what to do with her body, as it isn't everyday that a hospital receives a corpse with a dick-head-shaped hole blasted through the back of her neck. I didn't want to send her all the way back to Jurong, because even though she took the trouble to come all the way to Sengkang, it doesn't mean I have to reciprocate. So, I decided to honour her body by eating it for dinner. After all, that's a much better way of treating flesh than incinerating it. It's even better if you eat it in laksa. The red-white combination in most laksas would give you a pretty good idea of what to expect when you become a cannibal.
Some of you might wonder: Just why would someone from Jurong come all the way to Sengkang to give Alastair a blowjob?
And invariably come to the conclusion that: If this is true, she must be damn ugly. (that, or "Alastair's lying".)
Ugly? Please. I won't ever plough my dick into ugly chicks. In order to let you have a better idea of who used me and fed on my sperms, I shall post a picture of her. I'd need you guys to burn the first image into memory though, because you'd need to cross-reference it with the second image.
Basically, she looks like a combination of a certain star:
and:
I was walking home after this fiasco when I saw this couple. No, surprisingly, they weren't groping each other. Instead, the girl was singing random songs to her partner, and it was a pretty sweet scene--if not for the fact that the cars were honking and everyone was gawking.
This hypothetically sweet scene was further discounted by the fact that the girl chose to sing "Pretty Boy", and the guy decided to sing with her.
The guy confessed "That's pretty gay."
I can't help but agree.
Oh and I recall that on my walk home after the murder/cannibalistic act, I saw 2 female joggers. Nothing wrong with that, I'm always in the mood to see more jiggling jugs, but what really surprised me was that they put on make-up, reinforcing my views that female joggers are nothing but women attempting to snag other hot male joggers who might cross their paths.
Wearing make-up to jog is like taking off your pants to fart--unnecessary and stupid.
-- 3/18/2011 12:46:00 AM
Rule 34
Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.I don't particularly enjoy blogging about the social ill otherwise known as Facebook, but despite it being something unhealthy, I can't help myself.
If you're so easily embarrassed by what makes you you, there's an option out of life. Take the plunge.
http://technology.xin.msn.com/article-commented.aspx?cp-documentid=4700370
I quote:
By fooling the victim into unknowingly 'Liking' the page, "chances are that you (the user) will be embarrassed that your friends now know you were seeking for sex videos of Fiona Xie," said Mr Cluley in a blog post.
Uh..seriously? What's there to be embarrassed about? Unless you're not interested in Fiona Xie's jugs, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. You're being a curious human being, just like everyone else. If curiosity were such a bad thing, we won't have half the things we have right now. What's wrong with being human? Embarrassed? Please, if you cared so much about what people think of you that you'd clip your wings and desires just to fit in and not appear like a freak, I hope you choke. I feel like liking the link just out of spite, but then again I couldn't be bothered.
On an entirely different note, I now hate Burger King. Good sales gimmick there though, making the $1 tendergrill such a hyped up event, only to disappoint people when the stocks are gone.
Here's an idea--you released the news weeks before in the hopes of publicizing this "make it even better" deal in order to fight McDonalds, SO STOCK UP ON YOUR TENDERGRILLS AND NOT APPEAR LIKE YOU'RE PUSSYING OUT. The fact that they ran out of tendergrills prove
1) That they aren't as generous as they wish to appear as, thus proving that even "kings" can be scrooges
2) They don't have the money to keep up with the campaign.
Plain genius. They pulled a fast one over us, the unwitting customers who flock to Burger King outlets in the hopes of getting a "good deal", only to be disappointed. Imagine being in a queue for this supposed cheap deal, and being told when you get to the counter that "Onoz we've sold out". How would you react? Walk away and be despised as a cheapo? I think not. You'd rather buy something else to make up for a loss of face and the time spent queueing up in the first place.
And that, my boys, is what Burger King is trying to accomplish. Not stocking up (in sufficient amounts at least) of whatever they are publicizing, and publicizing about it way beforehand, it's virtually free advertisement (much like the Starbucks event last year). Burger King wins. The customer doesn't.
A blowjob for $6.25? I consider that a steal.
Kudos to their marketing strategy though. It'd make all insecure women crave to try out this "Super Seven Incher" just to see how well their blowjob skills are. Who knows? They might even get a job out of it.
Good job guys, we've been scammed. Good job Burger King, "With the king, you can." Can what, get scammed? Yea. Right. Thanks. Everyone should give Burger King the finger and tear down their signboards. Hell hath no fury like a customer scammed.
-- 3/10/2011 02:55:00 PM
I am @ work.
It has come to my attention based on the current inundation of Facebook feeds that people love to "check in" to places. I think that's a great idea, if you want to get stalked."Chloe Moretz is at Compass Point."
I really don't get what's the point in this whole checking in business. You want people to know where you are? Strip naked.
I think I understand this mentality though. There's someone in your list of friends you're interested in, and you want to see whether she's interested enough in you to stalk you, so you start nuking everyone else just to see how many fans of yours would bother to come after you at the location you specified.
This reminds me of a Runescape player. He was the top player years back, and till now everyone still remembers him as a legend--Zezima. Everyone worships him. Everyone wants to fellate him. Everyone follows him whichever world he logs into. The clan chat dedicated to him reports sightings and everyone tries to hit on him.
So, in terms of Runescape speak, it'd be something like:
Zezima is at Varrock Square.
Zezima is at the Grand Exchange.
Zezima is at God Wars Dungeon.
and the list goes on.
Does it make sense?
But then again, to each his own. I'd love to update my own locations to be honest. It'd be something like updating my birthday on Facebook. The problem is, I don't know how =.=
It's better not to teach me anyway. I'd be spamming Runescape locations that only a selective population in my friends list would know (the elites).
-- 3/09/2011 02:33:00 PM
Yep, I screwed it.
I attended a church wedding yesterday. You'd be thinking that it's quite a joke that someone like me would ever turn up at a church, but well...yea I was in a church. I liked the atmosphere, but couldn't help but guffaw at certain parts of the lectures/speeches (the proper term is...preach?). Something about doubts and how they will be dispelled. Nope, that didn't clear any doubts I had about my future because everyone knows that a man's life is dictated by paper qualifications, and mine seemed bleak.
The wedding dinner was very nice though. I never knew my uncle was from TCHS, then HCJC (HCI's former name), and his wife was from RGS, then HCJC. 11 years of romance, how sweet. They went back to HCJC for their photo-shoots too. Wonder if anyone caught them snooping around (technically speaking, they can't "snoop around" considering the camera crew and highly conspicuous dressing). Both did well in A levels (my uncle is a dentist, his wife, a lawyer), and there were many yellow jokes cracked about being a male dentist:
"Can legitimately ask a woman to open wider."
That cracked me up and got me into the mood. As in, the whole enjoying the mood thing, not the open wider thing.
It was quite intimidating though, because anytime anyone asks about my A level results, I'd have to spoil the joyous mood. In short, I lived through yesternight in fear of being a party-pooper. No one from the groom's immediate family broached the topic though.
At this point, there would be people who'd be thinking like:
"But Alastair, you're a genius (this I agree)! How badly can you do?!"
Apparently, quite badly.
There are people who are skeptical about the abysmal results I've reported to them. I'm pretty sure you guys are voyeurs too. There's a sudden increase in the visits after the A level results day. Since you guys are so interested, and I see no reason to hide/alter this piece of information, here is it. Laugh to your hearts content:
The paper clip makes me look organized. Don't be misled. It came as a package.
Yep, this simply means that I'm quite screwed and that I have very limited choices for university application. The A I've gotten for GP could be quite misleading. Apparently, around 40% of the A level candidates in my year got A for GP.
GP, by the way, means General Practitioner, so this means I'm qualified to be a doctor.
NUS Medicine, here I cum.
I've never been a huge fan of big-busted women, but I'd certainly rather see that DD on cup-sizes than on my results slip.
What's worse is when people try to tell me random stuff like "It's OK", almost as if it's not OK if that person hasn't said it him/herself. It's boring, really. I'm bothered by my results, but it's not like my world has collapsed. I don't need advice, I just need people to back off.
There's a Chinese saying that goes:
观棋不语真君子, 落子无悔大丈夫
观棋不语真君子, 落子无悔大丈夫
In short, go away. My life, my game of chess, my decisions. I will bear the consequences myself.
You'd say that I'm being childish and that I should follow the advice of my elders, but there's another song that goes:
I did it my way.
-- 3/06/2011 02:46:00 AM
FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML.
No point in feeling nervous. Nervousness reflects hope, present in the tiniest amounts. I shouldn't have any hope at all. Is this -sobs- what they call DESPAIR?
Yep, those were supposed to be quite anti-climax. Goodbye world, I'm going to start a Facebook event advocating Suicide-Upon-Collecting-A-Level-Results.
I only have 3 letters to describe my current mood:
FML.
-- 3/03/2011 10:22:00 AM