Just like a shower with the heater on.
The days have been cold, and the heater has been switched on more often whenever I'm taking my shower.
But I'm always afraid of warm showers, because when you're used to the temperature of the water you're showering yourself with, you'd feel even colder after the shower despite the constant temperature. I'm always aware of this, fearfully aware of this, and I've always avoided this situation.
Warm showers are good, they make you relaxed, they make you feel good, they earn you some sense of self-worth. But if it gets too warm this warmth overdose makes you even more sensitive of your current situation--that the weather is cold.
The drizzle on my way home was refreshing. No, it wasn't raining heavily and I wasn't emo. But the cool breeze made me more aware of the night lights (headlights of cars shining brightly into one's eyes), traffic lights lit up for no one in particular, cars coming at me slowly because I was walking slowly, et cetera. I'm not sure what point I'm trying to drive across. But it was a cold night, the walk was awesome, the pitter-patter of the slight drizzle was cold but refreshing, and when I went home I switched on the heater to level 2 (I normally stop at level 1, which makes the water around room temperature).
When I came out I was freezing. I knew I would be, but I chose to do it anyway, because I miss the warmth and I wanted to reconcile with this warmth but it didn't happen, it never did and never would and I'd always be stuck with fear of the cold that bites back every time you fight. Like one of Newton's laws, for every force there is an equal force pushing back or something along those lines.
The more you resist this cold the harsher its revenge.
Energy-consuming, time-consuming, and never able to keep you warm long enough for you to be happy.
And you can't stay in the shower forever. I hate living in bubbles, I hate living in such transient warmth, if it doesn't stay please don't give it to me at all. I hate this impermanence of everything.
I didn't wank yesterday, because it's taboo to wank on a day like that. It's not supposed to happen, wanking is for lonely men and I didn't want to mar the occasion by being one. Now that the occasion is over it's back to reality and thus this comic exemplifies perfectly what I want to say and how I feel about my life:
I switched on my fan, it's giving me a good blow job and I am freezing. This would make warmth more cherished. Much more cherished.
-- 8/21/2010 12:29:00 AM