Help me commit suicide.
I find it weird, how I can smile through the unbearable. Even when I was on the receiving end of a severe bout of personal attacks, I still smiled through it. A wry smile, because I know that what was going on was through, that I was getting flamed and that I wouldn't do anything about it.
So I was playing RealSpace2 before the conversation. And I realized that I didn't want to play anymore, because my mood ran away damn quickly. I wanted to smash my ship against the enemy ships. And die, because death suits me to a T, whatever that means. No, really. I've been practicing such suicidal moves in school, like, smashing my arm against the walls of the classroom. Of course, not with that much force. I'm not made of diamonds as I claim to be. I played the game recklessly. I died.
Then I tried to smile, and realized that that's the only facial feature that I could control. My tear-glands are nonreactive, as usual. I think I need an operation on that, I might have felt much better if I let water through my eyes. No such relief came through though. Ah well. I understand. It's fated.
I don't even know why I still care so much, with you playing the game of brinkmanship. And me trying to play the 'Hit me, I won't go away' card. I don't know. I really don't know why I'm holding on, even when there's nothing to hold on to. It's stupid, you don't have to remind me. Really, I know when something is stupid. Why should I play with you when I can choose to run? Why am I being so stupid?
Let's just say that I'm an idiot, someone not worthy. There are many other people out there who are better than me, but there'd be people even better than them. There are many other choices for me, too. I don't know why I'm being such a dork. I think I'm spamming the sentence 'I don't know why'.
Lol. I haven't used that word for a long time. Many people would translate it as 'Laugh out loud'. But I'd interpret it as 'League of losers', a league that I'm a veteran in. I don't know who came up with that, but I kouped from my class people. Or NCC Land people, I'm not sure. I never liked web slangs like 'Lol', 'rofl', 'lmao', 'roflmao', blah blah. I can name a few more if I think hard enough, but those aren't even English words, and I don't see the point in them being spammed in the web.
Lame. No, I'm not a cripple. I'm just saying that my speed of moving forward is like that of a crippled. I hobble. Wait. Hobbling moving forward, too. I don't even move forward. Good. All the L's are finally over. I don't like L. I know my surname starts with that, but I'm talking about the character in Death Note. He's..weird. He gives me the creeps. He's hunchbacked. Not that I have anything against old hunchbacked people, but I'm quite sure that he's able to straighten his back. I don't like him for acting hunchbacked, even though it's his job.
Oestrogen can be a lethal weapon. It killed my testosterone just now. Ego comes with testosterone. My ego got destroyed. I'm waiting for it to recover. Really. But I think I'd be alright in...7hours. I think I recover fast, really.
Verily, I think suicide is the only option for me. But then again, I won't kill myself. There's no point in killing myself when no one cares. Why would any sane person kill himself if there's no one who'd care? Really, it's just stupid. No one cares even if you die, so why die? No point, stupid, blah blah. And the police would only be able to get information about you from your IC, the coffee-shop uncle, who'd only be able to name what you have for breakfast everyday. So die for what? Might as well lead a good life, kill everyone, and die infamous.
Everyone has different perspectives. That much I agree. I used to be optimistic last time. Being optimistic gives one a greater angle for conscious thought. You'd be able to see more, learn more, feel more, and change more. But as in the case of 'Name me two things you cannot have for breakfast', the answer is 'Lunch and dinner'. What can you not be when you're optimistic then?
Yea, I'm scary, I'm horny, I'm a pervert, and you'd see my face up on the papers soon enough for rape. I treat all females as sex toys. I started this blog because of a girl, and more girls are reading my blog. I wish to meet them. Date rape. Really, I'm that despicable. Fear me.
Once was enough. Yet I still allowed myself to get near to you, just to let you hurt me. I don't really know why I allow myself to be so thoroughly humiliated by you, to let you know that you're superior than me. But I don't think that's the case. It's just that I'm unable to arrive at a rational conclusion to this stupid, persistent problem. Very much like me, really. I don't mind getting looked down upon by the whole world, because I've always been the bottom line for ages. It's not that I'm self-bashing(a term you taught me) or something. It's just that I know the truth, but I won't hide it. I don't want to deny my hypothetical spouse of any of my past misdeeds, some of which I'm really ashamed of. If an essay on 'Regret' was to come out, I'd know how to write a 30/30 essay.
Underwear on the outside. Superman. Hero. Yet heroes die first.
Enough about that hidden message bullshit, I think it's fucking obvious anyway. Had training today. Didn't do much. Played poker in the store. Kouped more stuff. Slacked. Nothing.
Very much like me.
Sorry. Bit emotional. I don't think this is flaming though. Your choice.
-- 4/05/2008 12:13:00 AM
