Changi Coast Adventure Centre(or so I think)
We were eating at somewhere in Changi, on the beach itself. It was quite cool, or at least the breeze was.Went to walk around after that, and there was a lighthouse structure around it on the rocks. I forgot what the beach-protective structure is called, it's been a year since I've last touched geography, and it was raining and there was lightning, and I was quite far from buildings.
Naturally I felt a bit scared. I contemplated death. It's like, it's not suicide, it's Nature hating me by striking me with lightning. But I realized that I cannot die now, just because everything seems pointless now doesn't mean that I won't lead a meaningful life in the future.
You can say that people hang on for hopes of a better future, which is probably what I'm doing right now. Which is probably what everyone else is doing.
Which is commendable.
I can't help but feel that life is indeed quite meaningless. I know there are people out there suffering from hunger and dying of malnutrition, but whatever the case is, they are too distant to be real to me. What matters to me is here and now, what I'm doing and what I'm going through. Isn't that true for most people? If you only hear of it, and see it through the media, it just isn't as real as going through the motions in school, or at work.
Why do we do all these, and what do we get out of it?
But I know. It's all about a better future, which like I said, is still too distant to seem real.
That's a really childish way to look at things. I am undermining the point of investment.
So anyway, I don't want to die, so I went back.
On the car, we passed by the Changi Coast Adventure Centre. I think that's what it's called.
In case you were wondering, yes, that's the OAL training place.
I was fondly reminded by the entire camp experience, which involved walking there from Bishan.
I remember carrying Jason Quek on my back and walking an entire 200metre(or so) because he was supposedly a 'casualty'.
I remember that it was at 7.30AM when we got there. Which means a 10hour hike approximately.
I remember running the Sec 2 camp, and SMSing someone who was quite special to me at that time using John's prepaid card, and I still have all those pictures with me.
I still have a picture of cute Timothy Lim Jun JIe acting cute.
I still remember a lot about that place although it wasn't that long a stay there.
This sense of nostalgia visited me as fleetingly as the glimpse I caught of that place. Even in darkness I can recognize it clearly.
Then I'm brought back to reality. There's always a stark contrast between memories and reality, because memories get distorted with time, and some things just appear in the memories which may not be there. You know that your memory is perfect, because it happened and it seemed like the best way things could happen. Memory is a form of documentation of one's life, in short, history. And you know it's perfect because it happened, and you don't know what else could've happened besides that?
And this perfection, this experience, these memories, made life in Cat High meaningful.
Perhaps years down the road I'd be in love with AJC and pine for its touch, but until then I'm still quite indifferent about school life in AJ.
Teachers' day tomorrow. I don't really know what to look forward to. No one really gives a fuck about it I think. It's like there's no apparent planning, people come and go like they do in my life, and things happen, things don't, and everything ends.
Like this post.
-- 8/30/2009 10:58:00 PM
Sexpectations.
It is normal to expect something when someone else knows about something about you. For example, if I am depressed and I tell you that I'm depressed, I expect you to say something, to make an attempt to cheer me up.If you fall short on my expectations, I probably won't go back to you for counselling. That much is certain--why bother telling someone about your pain when that someone cannot relate to or alleviate your emotional state?
Let's just use this 'counselling' example because I can't think of a better substitute.
Let's say that I use a friend to help myself, because all friends are meant to be utilized. So I use this friend to help cheer me up, and I do feel better, because what he said made sense and I agree with his viewpoint. But perhaps I didn't tell him about my full problem, or that I told him about it on the spot so he couldn't fully formulate a good advice for me, or that he is taken aback by the fact that I am depressed, so he freaks out and becomes quite helpless too, but still makes a valiant attempt to cheer me up.
And I felt good because he cared, even though I didn't really expect him to care given the fact that I didn't tell him the source of my depression until I was prompted to.
Then, I have a friend who has a similar problem, and she didn't expect anyone to solve her problem for her. But her friend did a lot more for her, being more prepared because the friend has discussed this at great lengths with other friends, blahblahblah and came up with a good proposal to help this friend of mine out. So she feels much better about herself and becomes a very happy woman.
Then I look at the difference between the solution of our problems, and I'm taken aback by the huge difference.
What seemed grand, perfect, to me was totally dashed by what she had. It's like me treasuring a bowl of rice when someone else has already upgraded to sharks' fin.
But I realize that it's because I didn't share my problem earlier. Or is it?
And I realized that I didn't want to be probed either, I didn't want a solution to my problem because there is none, because I desired none, but it was forced down my throat by a willing and enthusiastic friend, and I had no choice but to swallow what seemed like the best thing on earth at that time.
It is human nature to compare. I did, even when I don't really care about the quality of the solution, even when I don't want the solution in the first place. Perhaps my expectations shot up, but either way this is unhealthy.
I shouldn't want that much. I shouldn't whine either. I had more than what I expected initially, why should I compare my life with people who live in riches, who don't bother with people still struggling in the slums thinking that they are self-sufficient, self-reliant, and have no use for riches because they do not need them?
When one can have it, one would want to have it, and the want would evolve into an obsession, and the obsession would evolve into a need, and the need would make the person evolve, for better or worse.
This is a bad evolution, I'm cancelling it by pressing B. Or perhaps I could find an Everstone. =\
-- 8/25/2009 12:26:00 AM
So you give up.
There are happy occasions. There are sad occasions.And with all occasions, there are screw-ups. A happy occasion turns bad because of a screw-up, and a sad, sombre one pisses people off because it's a blatant show of disrespect to the occasion itself.
Tempers run high when things screw-up, when committee members are not devoted enough, when the very 'integrity' of the occasion is soiled.
I hate it when stuff like that happens, it just pisses me off, it destroys the intended meaning, it makes me want to shout FUCK but can't and so I feel like I'm imploding, but that'd be rude and demeaning to the efforts made by my fellow committee members.
But yea, the pressure of occasions can be overbearing. There is no point in them. Keep things simple.
A dinner is just a dinner. No need to complicate things.
Which probably relates to how people react, and get affected, by different things.
Take for example, Travian. I spend hours a day playing this game, getting affected by it whenever I'm getting attacked/lost troops in an attack, and the people around me would be thinking
'Siao ah this guy tio pwn in pixels then so like that, damn jialat game addickt lehx'.
'Why the fuck he wasting time on pixels. like that got use mehx? You mean the stupid pixellized troops can climb out of the computer screen and fight for him mehx?'
and the like. I must admit that Travian does get pointless at times, because there's like nothing to do, and it's pointless and screws studies up. It makes me feel powerless at times when my capital is attacked heavily and my friends and I have not enough troops to defend my capital with, and my capital takes a thrashing, reflecting her IRL.
Does it really matter to me in this world that isn't pixellized? No. Do other people see the significance of my virtual assets/achievements? No. Does it benefit me in any practical way? No.
So why do I play it? Because I like it, because I feel a sense of achievement in the game and perhaps a sense of satisfaction when I attack and destroy the noobs around me.
Because there is a form of commitment that I feel towards the game--after all, I've been playing on this server for 263 days. How can I give up now?
Can any one else relate to this commitment to games?
Which makes me wonder why I wondered how others remain committed to other stuff that seemed inconsequential to me, and thus are more affected by their commitment.
To exaggerate things a little, one can think that, say, America is less important than his own computer. Destroy America if you must, but don't touch my computer.
Or perhaps how a child's yo-yo is more important, more valuable, than a computer.
Or about how the computer to a child is more important than his studies(I am guilty).
So many instances in which humans prioritizes what most people wouldn't, like his Computer over millions of lives, like how an inexpensive yo-yo over the latest technological feat, like how his future is a less pressing a matter than his games.
Moral of the story(I normally have to remind myself)? What seems inconsequential, unimportant, un-prioritized, may take first place in another's heart. Ooh just realized that this could mean a lot of things.
So here's another random thing: Humans are enzymes and substrates.
There are many things which symbolize something to someone. There are humans too. Humans are like substrates, and there are their special enzymatic humans who could react with them. It's like if you're starch and I am RNA polymerase, we don't fucking click, I won't be able to digest you, I won't be able to react with you--only the person who is your amylase could.
Think about the number of times you tried to cheer someone up but failed because you're not that person's enzyme.
So you give up.
And here's another random point: This saying 'Life is not about the number of breaths you take, but about the number of moments that take your breath away' is bullshit.
Does school take my breath away everyday? No. Does stoning in front of my computer everyday take my breath away? No.
Am I still alive? Yes. Is my heart breathing? Yes. Are my biological functions(and weapon) working? Yes.
Up till now I've only proved the saying wrong in the biological sense.
Now let's move on to the spiritual/emotional sense.
Does school take my breath away everyday? No. So why the fuck is it called 'school life'?
Does stoning in front of my computer everyday take my breath away? No. OK I don't really know what they call gamers, virtual life? Never mind. The point before this pwn already.
So let's go on. If school life is us not living, then why is it called school life? Besides that, if that saying were true, then school is in fact stifling our youth, right? It takes away our chance to 'live' by depriving us of the chance to let wondrous things of the world 'take our breaths away'.
In short, education is KILLING us.
Either that, or the saying is totally off.
So this means that the saying is totally off.
I think someone just randomly came up with that statement, and it became famous because it seemed to make perfect sense in the world that the dude lived in, and even in the world now. Which can actually be quite true in a way, but still, I get the feeling that it was said in a spur of moment, and that it was random, and that I could've came up with it myself too if I were there given the right conditions.
Yep I could, like how I could do a lot more other stuff given the right conditions, like rape a girl if she happened to be tied to a tree naked. OK that didn't really make sense and I think that my post won't make any further sense if I tried to protract it.
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, whatever time you're reading this post in.
-- 8/19/2009 06:00:00 PM
Stalk-and-Seek.
Was at Compass Point with 2 crazy dudes.And we went to do crazy stuff like
1) Walk out of Compass Point from the carpark, as if we were cars. There were drivers who looked at us incredulously because none of the 3 of us look of age, while we lumbered on in the carpark.
If I were a driver driving by I'd be greatly amused too.
We got honked at though. And it was a balls-sweating experience because no one bothers with much ventilation in carparks--after all, no normal human would want to walk out of the carpark like a car would drive out? Oops.
And when we got out, a security guard sitting there looked at us as if we were animals which have just escaped from the zoo or something(because people don't normally know what to do with escaped animals besides stop and stare and hope for the animals to go away and resume pretending that nothing happened).
And we did walk away.
2) Played hide-and-seek in Metro. Which was crazy because it evolved to catching and us getting chased by the seeker with a spoon, emulating The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon.
And ended up getting the stares of the service people and security guards alike, before moving base to Best Denki.
I love doing crazy stuff. I think everyone does. It's all fun and it's legitimacy(or lack thereof) makes it even more thrilling.
I remember some Cat High people playing catching in J8, and they asked me along. I was with my Beloved at that time, and I wanted to go home to sleep or something so I declined. Only now do I realize what I missed out on. =\
I woke up at 4AM on Friday, just to send attacks on Travian. Was still late in sending though but oh well. It was crazy. I should stop playing Travian. I should stop telling myself that and start actually doing something.
Nothing else, except for my burning desire to rape many girls.
-- 8/15/2009 01:38:00 AM
Stop bodybuilding. Start working.
You guys already know about the argument of wasting food. Like, wasting food is a sin because we are wasting our prosperity, karma would get back to us some day.I agree. I hate wasting food. Which is why I don't buy more than what I eat.
But waste of food comes in more ways than throwing away the food on your plate.
It could also be the amount of energy you waste doing stupid things.
Now, if you haven't realized, I'm beginning to cut into the topic.
Consider this picture:
For the people lacking in childhood, that dude up there is Tarzan. He was born and bred in the jungle by apes, and fell in love with Jane and had a lot of sex as virile young men do.
Seeing as he is a primitive man, you can see that he is wearing next to nothing, and he travels by vines.
He hunts, or something.
He is muscular because he hunts for his food, he is fit because it's a survival of the fittest out there, he is battleworthy because he needs to protect(and perhaps rape) Jane.
He doesn't shave(although he doesn't seem like he doesn't), because he doesn't know how to.
He doesn't tan, it comes about naturally.
Now, look at this:
It's a freak of nature seriously. It's more of a metrosexual appeal now, like the 'I train muscles because I want to look good' kinda notion. It's not about being practical, it's not like you need huge biceps to get on a bus, but it's about needing the huge biceps to get a blowjob on the bus by girls who are attracted to such manly, 'buff' stuff.
It's the 'Hi, I have biceps, now suck my cock' sense of superiority. It makes one feel better about himself, and so that person would...
do senseless stuff like go gyms, WASTE ENERGY, buy food to make up for the wasted energy, and thus waste food itself. And going to gym itself would be
1) a waste of money, because gyms don't come for free.
2) a waste of time, because you need time to train at the gym.
That said, people want to increase their strength because they need to, as mentioned above, protect their women. Looking strong and buff and healthy and fit would also undeniably attract female attention(and gays), and it can be considered an investment--train up, look good, and be a male escort. Landing a girlfriend won't be that hard either, especially if you've got the muscles.
Which is, in a way, good.
But training muscles just to look better is quite degrading to muscles itself. From a lethal weapon, a tool, to a beautified object, I'm quite sure the muscle tissues are crying.
Aiya, I don't really have a moral of the story.
Except that there's a recession going on and here are tips for ardent body-builders who are looking for more money and more chances to um build up their bodies:
1) No air-conditioners. No link, but it saves money. So it's a good tip.
2) Be a coolie. You work your muscles, you do some constructive work. Gym is like you stone at a place, lift up weights, then put them down and lift them up again, and the cycle repeats = no work done. Physics people would know this. Why, WHY, WHY do people waste their money to do NO work, and waste food in that way, when they can
become a coolie, slog their guts out, gain muscles, eat more, AND EARN MONEY, while getting some work done for another dude out there who would otherwise be known as your employer?
Humans don't make sense on so many counts that I'd rather be a horse.
-- 8/10/2009 11:03:00 PM
Singapore: like it or lump it.
Happy Birthday Singapore!!!111!!!would be a lame start to a post. But no matter how lame I say it is I did it. =.=
I was at my mum's office when my sis informed me that one of her friends hate Singapore. She's a Singaporean herself, but she can't stand Singaporeans.
The question 'Whyy?' popped up(like duh), and the usual stupid reason pop up--Lack of graciousness.
Before I carry on, I have one doubt. I noticed that people like to type it as 'chope seats'. But is it chope, as in like koupe's, 'oupe'? Or is it like chop, the chopper kind of chop? I was brought up thinking it's 'chop', so why are there still people saying 'choupe'? Don't know, perhaps some people teach it in a different way.
The girl in question here states that Singapore lacks graciousness because of the way they chop seats, like tissue paper and all. But let's not talk about this girl, let's talk about all kinds of ungracious acts I can think about at 2.33AM, 09.08.2009:
1) Not giving up seats to the needy.
2) Chopping seats with tissue paper.
3) Chaos and disorder(and sex) in MRT stations.
4) Blasting 'music' because perpetrator has no money for earphones.
Here are sexplanations why:
1) Seats for the needy.
It's not that Singaporeans don't want to give up. It's just that perhaps it's not the norm to do so. In a rather crowded bus, giving up your seat would require you to overcome a lot of inertia caused by the person sitting beside you, the number of people around you(you have to create space in order to let the needy have space to get on). I've been faced with a situation in which the bus/MRT is crowded, the needy is 3 to 4 humans away, and I feel weird standing up and motioning for them to move up to me to take my seat. It's weird.
Besides, people would point and talk. It's not our culture yet, though we might be moving(slowly) towards it. Acts of graciousness as such may be looked down upon.
Personally I won't tap a needy person's shoulder just to tell that person that he/she can have my seat. If there's no eye-contact I probably won't bother. I'd just sit there and fidget and feel bad.
No wait, I don't normally sit on buses anyway. I don't want to have a seat to cause such a dilemma.
2) Chopping seats.
I am quite OK with that. Ever tried wandering about aimlessly, looking for seats with hot food on your tray, threatening to scald you if Lady Luck doesn't shine on you? Ever seen people leaving a child behind on a table just so that they can buy their food without having to hunt for a table?
It only makes sense that they should do such a thing. Be it a tissue paper or a child, it's the same--leaving something behind to 'take care' of something else. So why don't people lambast the ones who leave their child alone to stand guard over their precious seat?
The very fact that the person has got a seat to 'chop' would mean that the person was there earlier than most of the customers there means that the person is privileged enough to enjoy a seat, right? To hunt for food, it doesn't make sense for him to give up his seat and wander about aimlessly looking for another seat so that he can sit down and eat properly.
Does anyone still disagree with tissue papers? Then what about children?
3) Chaos and disorder(and sex)in MRT stations.
It's rush hour. The station is crowded. More people join in the crowd as a train approaches because escalators do not stop even when a train arrives. The population of the people not on the train increases.
When the doors of the MRT open, diffusion occurs. The area with a highly-populated area would move to an area of low-populated area. Isn't that simple?
If you don't jostle, you get left out, and you stay on the platform waiting like a dumbfuck for the next train to arrive. This would carry on until you learn how to jostle back.
Everyone wants to go home early. You have to show that you want to, more so than them.
4)Blasting 'music' because perpetrator has no money for earphones.
Yea. Fuck you. I hate it when I meet such people too.
The people who normally complain about these shit are the people who want to appear high-classed. They forget that by complaining, they are fulfilling another Singaporean stereotype--that of complaining.
No more comments.
But then again, this is Singapore. I love Singapore, I really do. Perhaps not so much on the education but still, I love Singapore. (:
But for the rest who don't share my patriotism--Singapore: like it or lump it.
-- 8/09/2009 02:27:00 AM
Talking is the worst form of communication.
EDITED.So I was on the bus just now when I met this cute girl. She was young, like around 7, and she was with her mother. But being on a double-decked bus and having limited seats, they sat separately.
So the little girl was seated to my right, I was on the left side of the bus and the aisle was the only thing separating her mother from her.
I was plugged in at that time and didn't realize my situation until she started making noise. So I turned around and smiled. She was so cute, so adorable, not unlike perfection herself. I wanted to put my arms around her, to protect her should she fall from the bus' jerkiness. I wanted to make her feel safe, even though I don't know her.
It's a weird feeling, this desire to protect one close to me even though she's not altogether that close to me. I really wanted to talk to her then, to protect her, and perhaps to possess her(not in a sexual way of course, sex is boring).
And I don't know how to even begin to convey my emotions to her at that time. I couldn't possibly hold her and tell her that I want to protect her, right? She's just a child, she wouldn't understand. And words would only serve to dilute the meaning, words are used so often in drama serials, by random men who may only be interested in the sex, by almost every male that could talk.
It's so direct it's stupid.
"Hey kid, I want to protect you. I could be your never-bursting, indestructible bubble, protecting you from whatever you wish to be protected from. I'd protect you from harm. I could be whatever you want, whenever you want me, wherever you want me. I could be by your side whenever you need me to, and I'd share weal and woe with you, and we could have some form of telepathic link for our emotions such that I could know when you're sad and be sad with you, and be happy with you when you are. I would give up my life and balls for you if need be, because I love you enough to forgo even procreation and my life. In the scheme of things, you're definitely top priority. Everything, everyone else pales in comparison.
And I swear, like the shadow that's by your side, I'll be there. For better or worse, till death do us apart, I'll love you with every beat of my heart, and I swear.'
It sounds like a TYS essay answer. It's copied wholesale, manufactured, and mass-published. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't convey feelings.
Words thus dilute meaning. I read about a scam on the newspapers involving Love. It was something like the man finds a girl, a lonely middle-aged woman with a child in tow, and who is having financial difficulties. He courts her, he claims to love her, he beds her, he pays for a lot of things, he gets her heart, then he gets her to smuggle drugs. And because the girl is blinded by love, she does what she's told. For the money and the supposed love.
Words mean nothing now. It's too cheap. It's too easily abused. I cannot understand how can anyone fall for mere words. These days, whenever I'm presented with a story, I consider the motives and possible benefits the provider could gain. Edward told me something about 'input manipulation', and I somehow enjoy guarding myself well. Guess I simply don't like being changed by people or being manipulated. That's why I don't trust words. I'm more into feelings and logic, which doesn't make sense.
I wanted to give off a trusting aura, an aura which could make her trust me. I don't know how I was going to pull that off and I think I failed. She did look at me, and I did smile, but I'm not quite sure what impact my grimace can have on one so young as her.
If I can't make her feel safe, I can't love her, right? If you can't make the person feel safe you have failed that person and you have failed as a person.
I always get that feeling but oh well, it's not like anyone has made me feel safe. All you losers! >(
I watched the last episode of 肥田喜事. It was crappy beyond imagination. It was an entire mind rape. It really puts into perspective what I said just now about words. A couple can get married in a couple of hours simply because the guy transformed from a fat man to a man and is able to play the guitar and sing, and because she liked him a bit(they were never in a relationship in the first place) and then he says some touching stuff and they get married.
It effing doesn't make sense.
I once watched a show, and I forgot what it was about but I think it was some drama based on a budding pianist. His teacher told him that:
Talking is the worst form of communication.
But we only know how to talk.
I learnt in Sec 4 biology something about evolution. If you have a population of guppies and you remove its predators, after a few generations, the guppies would lose its survival traits.
Like, it becomes more colourful, and thus unable to blend into its surroundings. It loses its ability to turn quickly when danger arises.
When you re-introduce its predator, the entire population is wiped out.
Humans are going down that stage. I watched a commercial on Colgate, claiming that the toothpaste can kill germs and disinfect your mouth for around 12 hours. Of course, they fell short of stating the hypothetical(non-existent) health benefits of a cleaner, more germ-free mouth because it'd be unethical to scam.
But really, since there's no point in a germ-free mouth, why bother trying to achieve it? And if we really do achieve it, what would become of us then?
I keep wondering about the many things we have now that our cavemen ancestors didn't have. They didn't have, and thus they didn't need.
They didn't have good food, they didn't have much clothes, they didn't have so many things. What we have as a necessity would be their godsend relic.
They didn't have. Thus they didn't need.
What we have now slowly consumes us. We may be the 'consumer' but we're actually the ones 'consumed' by the want to have, and eventually, the need to have.
Life is interesting in this way. You think you're manipulating when you're manipulated to think that you're manipulating. You think that something/someone needs you when you're the on in need of that object. It's all fun to observe and get involved.
Alright this is very random.
EDIT: Which reminds me. I was on the bus just now when I saw a kid on the bus with a teenage boy, who might be older than he looks. The kid looks P6-ish, and she is definitely in primary school based on her school uniform. So the guy was talking to her, being very close to her and perhaps brushing her hands past her all the time. Not sure though, might have parallax error so I can't be sure. So anyway they kept talking and talking and talking.
Soon, the guy alighted, and motioned for the girl to alight, who did so reluctantly. Perhaps I was watching a young innocent girl walking down a path of no return, but I didn't stop her from alighting. I mean, how could I anyway? In what capacity, as a random commuter on the same bus? I don't even know her, except her name which I shouldn't write here.
And I was standing on the bus like an idiot, thinking whether I should get down the bus and see what they are going to do when I realized that I'm no ninja or a master at stealth. And if they went to someone's house?
And then I realized what was really holding me back. I wanted to go home and watch Yi Nan Wang.
I really am a lousy man. I can't even be arsed to get off the bus to chase after someone to protect her, simply because I wanted to go home and watch TV. Perhaps one day I'd curse myself to death, but I realized that I can't possibly protect everyone around me right? And it's not like I could anyway. My friends all fall at some point in time and I stand around like an idiot not knowing how to support them.
Not that that would want to but that's not the point anyway.
And on my walk home after the bus ride(yes I have to walk, I live in a cave), I saw a couple. The guy was walking in front of the girl and motioned for her to move faster with a grin that could only be seen in grown men when they are thinking of procreation, or the process of procreation. The girl was reluctant, and her reluctance was the kind that could only be observed in women not at all interested in the prospects of having a penis enter her vagina.
So I walked along and I saw the girl following the guy, albeit reluctantly.
Oh, the world is going to the dogs. Someone save us.
And FUCK MY ABRASION. IT BURNS LIKE HELL AND SCRATCHING IT DOESN'T HELP. And I can't scratch the inner folds of my thighs in class anyway.
Oh wait.
-- 8/04/2009 07:00:00 PM