That's why I'm afraid.
There are times when your self-esteem gets demolished because you pale in comparison to a contender.
You would've seen this many times in Drama serials: Guy has a bicycle and Girl always sits on his bicycle(or rides with him on the bicycle if you like the more suggestive version of something innocent), Guy 'developed feelings' for Girl, and finally decides to risk their friendship for something more intimate. So, to prepare for The Moment, Guy polishes his bicycle. Then, Guy rides his bicycle to meet Girl, was about to get off to walk to Girl's house, but was confronted by...
Rich Guy! Rich Guy steps out carelessly from the car after his chauffeur opens his door, because rich people don't want to dirty their hands on stupid pointless stuff like doorknobs or whatever it's called when it's on a car(oh. handle?), and invites Girl to his house for a long ride in his car, to which Girl accepts gratefully because she has never taken a long ride in a car before.
So, as compared to the Rolls-Royce, the ride on a bicycle PALES IN COMPARISON.
So Guy doesn't have a choice but feel emasculated.
If you're thinking that something similar happened to me, you're right. But not in the romantic sense.
Last Thursday night, before sleeping, I made a mental note to bring my GBA charger and more cartridges for my cousin to play, because he asked for more cartridges when I went to my Ahma house on Tuesday.
So I decided that I had to entertain him, he is my cousin after all.
Then on Friday, after waking up, I made this conscious, strenuous effort to select games for him. OK I just took a bunch and stuffed them into my bag, but I was conscious anyway.
Then I went over.
Then I was about to take them out when I was greeted with the sight of a -gasps- NDS.
Something as ancient as a GBA SP should not be brought out to face its newer, sexier, cousin.
At that moment, besides feeling very depressed because I'm so outdated, I was thinking:
Fuck Nintendo.
=\
Sometimes there are things so personal or inappropriate to express in public, but you don't know what to do with them. You are affected, but you think you're able to carry on with Life as per normal, even though your perceptions on it has been radically changed. But you're not supposed to show that you're affected, because that'd be an 'expression', and it's too inappropriate to express to others.
It wasn't traumatic. It only happened 3 days back, but memories of it are already clouded. Perhaps the mind's way of working, perhaps a form of denial, perhaps you just don't want to face it. I try to recall, but it's not vivid enough. It's there, it can't be removed.
I kinda regret it. I was sleepy at that time. This sleepiness because of my weird sleeping hours numbed me. It should have been more intense, but it wasn't because I lagged. I couldn't take in the whole situation that well. What's the point of my presence then? Could I have afforded comfort?
Did I?
It's even worse when you're perfect, because perfect people aren't supposed to be fallible, and they won't show signs of cracks.
That's why I'm afraid.
-- 12/21/2009 09:48:00 PM
