Aren't we all the same?
Isn't it interesting how our life can be dictated by the amount of information we get, the nature of information, and timeliness of it? There are so many opinions around, and with the advent of user-generated content via the Internet, who can be sure what one says is correct, or whether there is a particular view which is correct?If you're not getting the information you want, you get swayed to join a side you'd otherwise not be on. After integrating with a certain side, you won't leave it no matter what other information do you get regarding the side you're on. Propaganda works this way, brainwashing works this way, and it's all effective because what you believe in is what you cling onto, and what you cling onto is what you're afraid to let go. It's what your life revolves around, and you're not about to let go of the reasons you're living for. Such is life, such is the importance of information. It's really a first-strike thing, if you get your hit on, you get your opinions aired and considered, you win.
You see this characteristic in humans all the time in TV drama serials. It's called what, 恶人先告状, and it normally works because it capitalizes on 'first impressions'. Which is something I hate about humans, because the first impression they have of me is always negative, like, sloppy, and that's something I'm not going to work to change because I'm too lazy to. But substantial though first impression is, is it true? What's substantial doesn't have to be true. It can be important, but it can be fake, but taken as true, and really that's all that matters. This comfort zone of people cannot be breached, because they simply don't want to step out of it. It's something that makes life easier, so why not leave them to it? I live in a few myself.
Guess what inspired this? I was searching for the song 'Black and Gold' by Sam Sparro, when I came across several interesting comments and interpretations of the lyrics--that it really is a God-related song.
@boriquadominicana:
This is not a love song. Sam Sparro said himself he wrote this about God. That's why he says, "If the fish swam out of the ocean and grew legs and started walking",That's evolution. He's saying that if evolution is true a God is not really here then he does not want to be here either. He wants to be next to God not a lover.
Now I'm left wondering if I should download the song.
But if art is really meant to be left for everyone's interpretation, why do people keep judging each other then? Who is to decide 'low taste' and 'high class' and 'no taste'? Isn't art supposed to be something subjective, like if you like it you tag a higher price (or something of similar denomination) to something?
Which means that if I were to download the song, I don't mean to say that I am spiritual, or have any beliefs in something of a higher power. It's not that I don't think something else is out there, but that I don't see a need to associate myself with that. Do you get my point? Words often fail me, but I think I managed something comprehensible there.
And why do people bother with the perspectives of others on art then? Is it because they are always trying to find people to relate to? Like:
A: 'I find it this way.'
B: 'I find it this way too!'
A: 'Let's sex!'
-gets all over each other-
Weird people.
But I haven't downloaded that song yet. =\
Such a random thought. And here's another random question: How many world cups can one watch before the end of his/her life?
Sadly speaking, we can, at most, watch around 8 World Cups effectively. We can't count our years as infants and children who don't know shit about offside, and we can't count our years when we can't even wake up in the dead of the night to watch soccer.
Quite a scary thought isn't it? How age will consume our bodies and how natural the ageing process is, so much that we can't fight it at all.
This was a question mused about by my sister, who paid the subscription fees for this year's world cup. We were at our uncle's house watching soccer with our cousins when the uncle woke up at like 3 AM, checked the score, then went back to sleep. He's 40+ already, and probably lost the energy to watch midnight games. And who the fuck watches recorded games? You know the score, you lose the excitement, and even if you don't know the score, when the game goes slow you'd get impatient and check the score, and you'd probably be resisting all urges to simply watch the highlights than to watch the full game, simply because the highlights is available.
And if you can't watch a match live, you can't really enjoy watching 22 men playing ball.
If you really love watching soccer you'd have to start early.
We're often told that we normally lose it before we learn to cherish it. I haven't lost my energy for watching world cups yet, because I'm still young, but I really wonder what's my point in watching the matches.
Am I watching because I can, or because I want to? Am I truly cherishing the ability to watch games by exercising that ability all the time, or am I simply living in fear of losing this ability to watch games and the act of watching games brings about more of a relief to this fear than an enjoyment of the game itself?
Am I making a personal point, or am I enjoying the match?
I can already feel my innards rotting. My stomach is failing my, my rectal muscles can't keep the shit waves from soiling my pants anymore and I had to crash-land in E's house. My stomach hurts quite often and I really should sleep more instead of like watching matches in the mornings of mid-years. OK, I stopped(because mid-years over already).
Which reminds me, midyears fail liao lah =.= I really should have drawn pandas and bamboos on my chem paper and plead for mercy. We don't get many exams to screw up and I didn't get to screw up that dramatically yet(but the probability of getting like last in the papers (any) is still high).
I've lost a lot of motivation to stay online, to stay in this power seat, but I'm more prone to clicking 'Attack' on BattleOn than trying to pass 2.4.
Another random question that's been bugging me. What is it that you do when you show 'consideration'? Concern, consideration, all these are forms of caring for someone and trying to keep that someone out of any type of harm or shit like that. So when you're being 'considerate', you're basically 'taking care' of the well-being of that particular someone you're being 'considerate' to.
Who normally needs taking care of?
People who can't take care of themselves (normally children).
Do we really want people to be considerate to us? I don't like being treated as a kid. I like to think of myself as someone who can handle a lot of shit thrown at me (because normally I ask for it), so when someone hesitates to, isn't it a personal attack? That's the harshest way to treat me--by doubting my fortitude.
Tsk tsk tsk.
Can't you recognize your own kind?
-- 6/26/2010 02:51:00 PM
I hope you won't be nice to me.
I don't know about you, but I hate this term 'nice', especially when it's used to describe people.It's a confession that you don't know what else to say about a person. It's a word you can use to describe anyone, from the shop attendant to the people on duty in the chopping of passports. It's a one-size-fits-all term. You can have a brief meeting with a person, and go off thinking and describing him as 'nice'. When we use the word 'nice' to describe our friends, are we saying that we know them as much as we know the other people we've used the word 'nice' for, which is to say, not much? If I say 'You're nice', am I just saying I don't know you well enough to use a term that's less generic?
It's also the most horrible reason behind actions. It has irked me for ages, because people who are 'being nice' normally have this perspective that they are actually doing a favour to the people whom they are being nice to. It's the most skull-numbing thing. I know there's a term 'Numbskull' used to describe people as stupid, but this one is entirely different.
Have you ever felt so much anger you can't really think properly, your mind blanked out for a few seconds, and the feel of an invisible hand squeezing your brains (though it's impossible for the brain to feel a hand groping it, and you've never felt a hand on your brain before anyway)? It normally happens in a situation where you're holding back every impulse to wallop the person immediately in front of you, and your brain gets numb because you're holding back so much it got tired.
I get that feeling often, and consequently I have to rearrange my face to not show any signs of anger because that is detrimental to my zen image. Let's take a look at such an occurrence of Skull Numbing for an imaginary situation for a poor dude:
Victim: Why did you choose to become a friend of mine?
Victimizer: I was being nice.
Doesn't that mean the victimizer never really intended to become a friend of the victim, but chose to because the victimizer wanted to do the victim a 'favour'? So does this mean the victim now owes the victimizer a favour for the friendship which would otherwise not be forged? Isn't it a very condescending way to treat the victim, because it means the victimizer chose to be the victim's friend because he/she probably pities him/her, and so by being nice, he/she is lighting up the victim's life? If that's not a terrible way to treat people I don't know what's not.
I remember in primary school, BW read a book and a definition of 'Nice' in Old English is 'young and ignorant'.
Maybe the definition didn't change that much after all.
I really don't like nice people. They have a way of making you feel bad, because you don't know if they are doing it out of their own free will or because they want to be nice to you. I cannot stand it when people go out of their way to help me, because I don't believe that humans can be that pleasant. It's scary, really, because you don't know if they enjoy rendering you help or not. And there is no way to find out. I tend to not want to be close to people who are overtly nice. It's not humane at all!!!111!!!
A lot of people don't think that I watch football. How can I not? Everyone must've watched a bit of football, especially in the 2002 World Cup because it's in our timezone and much hyped up. It may come as a silly confession, but I had the hots for Oliver Kahn, Germany's goalkeeper. He looked so ferocious when shouting commands to his defenders and teammates in general, and he only let in 3 goals throughout the whole course of that year's World Cup (1 to Robbie Keane, Ireland, another 2 to Brazil). I remember the next day was a Monday, and it was raining and I made a mental comment of 'Heavens weeping for Germany'.
Oliver Kahn was subsequently labelled the world's ugliest footballer, but I still stick by my choice <3
I remember Germany being a very boring team to watch at that time. They were playing defensive, and defensive, and defensive.
In the 2006 World Cup, Oliver Kahn was taken off the team and replaced with Lehmann or something, can't remember how to spell his name but I remember his curly hair, much like PCK's. He did get to make an appearance on their match for 3rd placing against Portugal, and again he was shouting like crazy <3>
-- 6/24/2010 09:19:00 PM
There have been many reasons for me to not blog about certain issues, because some people look up to me as someone who is above such situations. And if I blog about it, I kinda thrust you into the spotlight, and that's disturbing because that's never my intention.
Because of that, I've never had the chance to use my blog as a platform for any form of catharsis. I mean, OK, I can't possibly write a song or choreograph a dance or film a movie, but at least I could write something in the immature and childish way I so abhor. And I could probably feel better about myself after such incidences, because it's tiring keeping everything in when you want to let it out but can't because you're not expected to be one susceptible to such retarded stuff.
有时候真话太尖锐
有人只好说著谎言
I don't think I'm one who enjoys lying. In fact, you can ask me anything and I'd answer you everything you ask. I'm not proud of everything I've ever done, but at least I won't be bothered lying my way through, because although honesty is never the best policy, it's the best insurance for a clear conscience. But you've never bothered asking, and I find it weird going to you to tell me more about myself when you're not asking in the first place. The lack of interest is disappointing, and it's a clear sign that I'm not really worth your time at all. OK, I got the hint.
假如时光到流我能做什么
找你没说的却想要的
Now that I think about it, when I met you back then perhaps I should have started off in a stronger way. Maybe things would've turned out differently and I won't be here wondering about what could have been, and what could be. I went to re-read a certain email once, and I found that I haven't changed even since then, and I don't know what does anyone really want. And I'm always awkward in such situations so I choose to run away, avoid the situation altogether, and stay that way, without trying to do anything. Like a chicken.
假如我不放手你多年以后
会怪我恨我或感动
If I were pester you further, would you hate me for making life even more difficult as it is for you right now? You've never struck me as a cheerful person, and you've always changed yourself to suit others around you. So if I were to impose myself on you, you'd be even more patronizing than you already are. And I don't want you to carry on talking to me only out of sympathy.
假如温柔放手你是否懂得
走错了可以再回头
I guess that about sums it up. I'm tired of all this anyway, and I'm even more tired now since I've got more things on my hands(not A's not mid-years definitely, but more issues of this nature), and if I don't really know what I want, I'm completely stuck.
I really miss those Skype days when I could at least know you're online when you're down. I won't reach out to you, but I want you to know that you could. I loved Travian during those days, because Travian brought me Skype, and Skype gave me a platform to be closer to you. Didn't stop me from screwing things up but still, at least the chance was there.
And I'm never going to admit it. You will ask me what's this blog post about and I'd say 'No, nothing.' But you of all people would know, and know not to question me about this. I want you to know, but I don't want you to show that you do.
How conflicting.
Now there are other temptations in place, and I am completely lost. Oh well. I just hope Kenichi comes out soon. Nothing beats manga distraction.
Oh and I don't like Portugal. Their performance wasn't fantastic in the first half and I'd say that North Korea looked like it was going to win. I don't understand its eventual crumbling, and how people are saying it's lousy when it's apparent that they were not, as evident from the first half. I kinda zoned out at the 2nd half when Portugal went on a rampage. It's boring when the match becomes too one-sided. Yawns.
-- 6/21/2010 09:42:00 PM
'Hey I like you because you are my junior/senior/classmate/schoolmate/CCA-mate/whatever-shit-relationship-you-can-think-up-of'
The people who make such bullshit reasons are also normally the people who like fan pages such as 'There is always one asshole in class/CCA/school everyone hates'. I'm not sure if you get it, but if you link the fan pages they like with the aforementioned reason(s)...you get my point.
What they say don't count, and what counts can't be said. In the past 2 weeks, I've seen only one valid comment. The kind that could possibly invoke tears (coz they are touched) in the recipient of the wall post, because it's personal, and not just patronizing as is the nature of most such 'like reasons'.
I don't know who started this idea, but I think it's bullshit and should be taken offline. Perhaps he was thinking 'Hmm knowing why they are liked helps people feel better about the value and impact they have in the life of others', and I can see the gem in such a perspective, but more often than not it becomes a meaningless wall post, done just to appease the 'liker'.
I tried to start a revolutionary last Wednesday:
'I'm kinda tired of these diplomatic 'i like you' stuff. The reasons aren't even valid. How about this: Like this status and I'd write on your wall something TRUTHFUL--something I don't like about you.
Like this statement if you've the balls for negative comments about your very own character.
Let's start this mud-slinging activity ♥'
but it failed. Apparently, most people just want to hear the good things others have to say about them. No one emulated me, or at least not any that I know of. It's kinda depressing how low humanity has sunk, when only 24 out of around 300 friends of mine chose to like it. I'm pretty sure it made it to the 'Top News' section, so it's hard for people to miss.
Oh well. To be honest I didn't really expect much, but I didn't expect the turnout to be so discouraging either.
Are people that afraid of criticisms? I'd rather have sincere suans than pretentious niceties, and I've never liked a status that promises me reasons for me to be liked by the status-updater.
A wall quibbed with niceties is a wall screwed.
A guy posting about Facebook trends is a guy un-laid.
-- 6/20/2010 02:26:00 AM
I shat outside. Twice. 2 bloody times. The first one was weird and random, while the second one was...weird and random too, not to mention disturbing.
I did mention my dislike for auto-flush systems right? I'd like to declare war against such technology but sadly speaking technology is like nature and nature can't be beaten by one's solo efforts =\
On my second try to clear my shitter of shit, the feared backlash happened. I was like 'OMF the shit water just splashed my butt', but it didn't end there--the auto-flush kicked in and more shit water came to rinse my ass. I don't know what's its point, but it happened and I felt weird having (relatively clean) toilet water being pumped up to tickle my balls. I didn't consider standing up and waiting for the rain to end, because I was kinda enjoying it myself. Hooooooooops.
It really was ticklish.
Watched the A-Team with what remained of the guys as KL went back home to watch Germany vs Serbia after I tipped him off that Germany was in dire straits. Football fans can be quite crazy at times, but oh well, whatever floats their boat.
Oh, and we met for DL's 18th birthday. Happy birthday boy, hope the opportunity to use the condoms I gave you arises soon <3
It was quite an epic day actually, we wanted to stalk him at his house at around 4PM before going to J8 after giving him(and subsequently, eating) his birthday cake, but due to a retarded reason(tuition), he came at like 5.30PM. It was epic fail ahahahahahahahahaha but the lead-up was tickling anyway. I went swimming in Bishan library on the floor while charging my phone and while the rest were doing weird stuff like studying or reading comics(I am guilty of this one), and we whiled away one hour like that.
Then KL opened the wrapping to DL's shiny new wallet(OK, not shiny) for me to slot the condoms inside what would otherwise be slotted with cards. The instruction manual went to the IC slot, so he could refer to it should he have troubles putting it on.
Went to Pizza Hut to see if we could eat there but no, there were too many people and after buying food in Yoshinoya the Pizza Hut people called. So oh well, too bad for them. Then the A-team, and went home. OK I am slightly disoriented due to fatigue, I've had weird sleeping hours the past few days, always sleeping at 2AM and waking up at like 6.30AM, I guess I will die young this way.
Perhaps this explains my weird nightmare when I was having a short nap. As is the nature of dreams, they fade. And they fade very quickly. But it's another related nightmare, and I noted it down as a handphone reminder immediately after waking up from it. It was something like a friend changing her blog address for someone she barely knows, and I went like WTF due to jealousy. OK I get jealous over everything. It's a male thing to be jealous, like you don't want your female friends to go around mating with people, at least not with the people you don't approve of. The blog address was 'acidified.blogspot.com', and well, there really is a registered blog there and the last(and only) time it was updated was in 2003, which was my Neopets day. I didn't start MSN until Sec2.
And saw the Cat High 4-9 people when we were walking around J8, it was epic. I became shameless for that few seconds when I shouted 'WEN SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN', before the general public started staring and I faltered. I don't know..I didn't stop doing weird stuff just because it's weird, so why am I trying to conform to what's 'appropriate behaviour in public'? Is it because as we grow older, we get a more profound sense of shame and by extension, feel the impact of said shame/humiliation more when we get weird stares by people? Or is it that I've become ball-less? How do I move on from here then?
By thinking I'm affected by age, I already am affected. If I were to carry on doing weird stuff, it'd probably just to prove that I could do weird stuff and not shy away. Doesn't that mean I'm doing it just to prove that I still am up for it? What would then happen to the amusement I used to get from friends' reactions? Won't it transform to 'relief' instead, because I'd always be relieved that I'm still up for it?
Or was my past bravado based solely on the Catholic High School uniform? I had no problems making a lot of noise in J8 wearing the school uniform, and basically being a public nuisance. Today, I was obviously not wearing the uniform or other school-related stuff.
What's missing?
-- 6/19/2010 01:45:00 AM
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..and very turned on.
Anyway, here's a serious question I would like to pose to all females reading this:
Do you have ass hair?
It's troubling how some guys insist on the fact that they don't, and this begs the question--are females naturally this hairless even in the nether regions?
It's tiring blogging via the phone, miraculous to be able to publish it through wireless@sg, and infuriating to know that you've been sleeping around. Not in that sense, but still.
UPDATE: 11.35PM 14.6.2010
Oh I forgot to mention. During lunch(well practically I ate lunch in 2 portions), I went to shit. After doing the deed, I stood up to wipe the shit off my ass hair. And when I turned back to look at my accomplishment, well, I felt accomplished. And I was caught in a dilemma--to take a picture, or not. When I was fishing out my handphone, IT FUCKING DROPPED INTO THE TOILET BOWL. WTF.
No just joking. The toilet bowl auto-flushed. =.=
FML, seriously. It looked like those long stick-like fishcakes and to be honest I still thought I had a lot in my rectum. Normally, the number of plop sounds your shit makes correlates with the amount of shit you shat. But if there was an Olympics Diving event for shitting, that shitting experience could have come in Gold. It was silent and graceful, probably due to the high water level in the toilet bowl(I was actually quite concerned, what if it made a splash into my anus? That'd have been troublesome), but it helped in the smooth transition from rectum to air to water.
Marvellous. Simply splendid. I liked that experience, and if not for Man's invention (due to laziness) of the auto-flush, I would have had pictures of dung-fishcakes for you guys to appreciate. Sadly speaking, no. :c
Oh and there was some weird grunting noises in the cubicle beside me. The noise sounded strangely like someone desperate to get off while trying not to groan/moan as much as possible. He failed. I heard him grunting, and I don't think people with constipation grunt as much as he does. How...disturbing. At least keep the volume down =.=
-- 6/14/2010 02:47:00 PM
-- 6/12/2010 12:54:00 AM
-- 6/10/2010 11:40:00 AM
I find reaching out a very tough thing to do. I enjoy talking to people, I enjoy their company. I enjoy my exchanges with them. But reaching out is kinda out of my comfort zone. I like to wait for people to come to me. And I don't want to appear like I'm interested in anybody's affairs, because I'm supposed to be like aloof, indifferent. I try to think of myself as some wise sage, because wise sages always wait for people to come to them to give them business, and they don't ply their trade, but I'm not sure how often that works.
And then I see my friends doing weird stuff to my distant friends. I try to defend them, but I get lambasted instead, and I've never gotten any recognition for my EQ efforts, and although I'm not complaining, some form commendation for my endeavors(fruitless) would be nice for a change every now and then, especially from the people who do matter, which, to be honest, don't exist.
What really riles me is when I see people doing stuff, getting close to people, for a personal vendetta, but get lauded all the same. I don't like to preach on what's wrong or what's right, because I know my definition differs from others, but I'd like to censure such people if I could.
But I can't, for various reasons, and everything I can never say, remains unsaid. There are times when I do want to tell people stuff but I'm not sure how often they care, and I think this is one thing I should learn to give up on.
And there are times when I keep trying to change people to suit myself, because I am such, but I keep failing. I kick and try, but it never works. It's depressing and then I wonder about the power of my own influence. I always picture certain dramatic pictures of something like myself in my mind, maybe that's why I'm constantly bugged by nightmares.
Circumstances never seem to go with me, but as a gamer I've learnt the importance of 'Urgent Optimism', and to be honest, that's really one of the most important thing I've learnt.
Bah. Your problems make mine seem smaller than they actually are...because it's you.
This is such a depressing post I'm going to spice it up with what happened today and what's going to happen from later to Monday.
Went for the NS checkup thingum today, and there were many firsts, like I've never had a pee test or a blood test before, and..
...a 3 fucking hours worth of MCQ questions testing one's ability to:
1) seek patterns
2) comprehend English
3) comprehend instructions
4) do algebra
5) do arithmetic progression/geometric progression
6) discover orientations
and what else I forgot.
Such a chore, and there's a break after every test, and every time I get to the end of a test I'd be hoping for the end of the entire process, only to be disappointed time and again because it is a 'battery of tests', and it didn't end until it ended(duh), and it took damn fucking long =.=
I think I took 2 hours. Dreary process. Not to mention boring.
Yawns.
I met LKS there though <3 so I'm not complaining. I thought I'd be going only with ET, but I don't mind third parties(;
Here's an extract from the Recruit's Handbook. It's quite colloquial and damn funny:
"For example, you could get fat, which isn't good, because fat cells do not get along well with your vital organ - the heart. Then you jmight have to check yourself into hospital and allow the doctors to perform some life-saving emergency procedure on you."
I'm going overseas from Saturday to Monday. Hope I'm not bothered enough to come online ahaha.
-- 6/04/2010 11:45:00 PM
I was watching the Germany vs. Ghana match this morning. It was a crazy match with the Ghana people always running damn fast. Seriously they ran damn fast, chasing the ball like their balls depended on it. They came so close to scoring and despite it being like 3AM I couldn't help but groan in mounting sexual excitement, I mean, uhhh, anxiety. An exciting match though it's only 1-0, with 1 being Germany of course <3
Now Germany will be fighting England in the knockout stages, and of course I'd be hoping that Germany wins. But I won't go so far as to say that I 'support' them, because I don't contribute to their goals/wins/losses. I'd just say that I hope Germany wins.
Actually, the reason why I'm writing about football is because of an interesting encounter my sis had with a kid. She's working at some tuition centre as a saikhang warrior, and she was wearing the Germany jersey. The black colour one, I think it's the away team one, and there's this P6 dude who keep wearing different football jerseys. I heard that he's fat and rich, because you generally have to be very rich to have jerseys of different football clubs and countries. My sis went into the class to take attendance, which basically means counting the number of kids and making a quick exit thereafter, which she did. After leaving the classroom, she heard a lot of laughters from within the classroom, but she didn't think too much about it.
Then the teacher, who is also her boss, came out to tell her that the fat-boy-with-many-jerseys was sniggering away at my sis, and when asked why, he said 'She wearing loser team jersey'. The principal then pointed out that she was wearing the German jersey, and not French, and the whole class roared in laughter at that boy for his gaffe.
The boy later said 'I will wear the England jersey tomorrow. I support England.'
The England vs Germany match is on Sunday, 10PM.
What a provocative boy.
-- 6/24/2010 09:19:00 PM
Hi, don't talk about this.
Whoa I'm approaching my 500th post. That's kinda weird, it means I've posted around once every 3 days.There have been many reasons for me to not blog about certain issues, because some people look up to me as someone who is above such situations. And if I blog about it, I kinda thrust you into the spotlight, and that's disturbing because that's never my intention.
Because of that, I've never had the chance to use my blog as a platform for any form of catharsis. I mean, OK, I can't possibly write a song or choreograph a dance or film a movie, but at least I could write something in the immature and childish way I so abhor. And I could probably feel better about myself after such incidences, because it's tiring keeping everything in when you want to let it out but can't because you're not expected to be one susceptible to such retarded stuff.
有时候真话太尖锐
有人只好说著谎言
I don't think I'm one who enjoys lying. In fact, you can ask me anything and I'd answer you everything you ask. I'm not proud of everything I've ever done, but at least I won't be bothered lying my way through, because although honesty is never the best policy, it's the best insurance for a clear conscience. But you've never bothered asking, and I find it weird going to you to tell me more about myself when you're not asking in the first place. The lack of interest is disappointing, and it's a clear sign that I'm not really worth your time at all. OK, I got the hint.
假如时光到流我能做什么
找你没说的却想要的
Now that I think about it, when I met you back then perhaps I should have started off in a stronger way. Maybe things would've turned out differently and I won't be here wondering about what could have been, and what could be. I went to re-read a certain email once, and I found that I haven't changed even since then, and I don't know what does anyone really want. And I'm always awkward in such situations so I choose to run away, avoid the situation altogether, and stay that way, without trying to do anything. Like a chicken.
假如我不放手你多年以后
会怪我恨我或感动
If I were pester you further, would you hate me for making life even more difficult as it is for you right now? You've never struck me as a cheerful person, and you've always changed yourself to suit others around you. So if I were to impose myself on you, you'd be even more patronizing than you already are. And I don't want you to carry on talking to me only out of sympathy.
假如温柔放手你是否懂得
走错了可以再回头
I guess that about sums it up. I'm tired of all this anyway, and I'm even more tired now since I've got more things on my hands(not A's not mid-years definitely, but more issues of this nature), and if I don't really know what I want, I'm completely stuck.
I really miss those Skype days when I could at least know you're online when you're down. I won't reach out to you, but I want you to know that you could. I loved Travian during those days, because Travian brought me Skype, and Skype gave me a platform to be closer to you. Didn't stop me from screwing things up but still, at least the chance was there.
And I'm never going to admit it. You will ask me what's this blog post about and I'd say 'No, nothing.' But you of all people would know, and know not to question me about this. I want you to know, but I don't want you to show that you do.
How conflicting.
Now there are other temptations in place, and I am completely lost. Oh well. I just hope Kenichi comes out soon. Nothing beats manga distraction.
Oh and I don't like Portugal. Their performance wasn't fantastic in the first half and I'd say that North Korea looked like it was going to win. I don't understand its eventual crumbling, and how people are saying it's lousy when it's apparent that they were not, as evident from the first half. I kinda zoned out at the 2nd half when Portugal went on a rampage. It's boring when the match becomes too one-sided. Yawns.
-- 6/21/2010 09:42:00 PM
Bringing hypocrisy to a whole new level: Facebook.
Frankly speaking, I am very disturbed by all the 'Like this status and I'd post on your wall something I like about you' status updates on Facebook. It's a very lame way to pass time, seriously. If I like your status update, I'm basically saying 'Hey I don't know what you like about me, please tell me so I can feel better about myself', and many people fall for that. If you really want to know reasons for being liked by people, this journey of discovery cannot be held on a frivolous medeium such as Facebook, dammit. What happened to heart-to-heart conversations face-to-face, which eventually devolved to phone conversations, and further devolving to pixellated words on the screen otherwise known as MSN/other instant messaging programs? And now we're talking about Facebook. Wao. I am utterly flabbergasted by the amount of idiots saying patronizing stuff about each other.'Hey I like you because you are my junior/senior/classmate/schoolmate/CCA-mate/whatever-shit-relationship-you-can-think-up-of'
The people who make such bullshit reasons are also normally the people who like fan pages such as 'There is always one asshole in class/CCA/school everyone hates'. I'm not sure if you get it, but if you link the fan pages they like with the aforementioned reason(s)...you get my point.
What they say don't count, and what counts can't be said. In the past 2 weeks, I've seen only one valid comment. The kind that could possibly invoke tears (coz they are touched) in the recipient of the wall post, because it's personal, and not just patronizing as is the nature of most such 'like reasons'.
I don't know who started this idea, but I think it's bullshit and should be taken offline. Perhaps he was thinking 'Hmm knowing why they are liked helps people feel better about the value and impact they have in the life of others', and I can see the gem in such a perspective, but more often than not it becomes a meaningless wall post, done just to appease the 'liker'.
I tried to start a revolutionary last Wednesday:
'I'm kinda tired of these diplomatic 'i like you' stuff. The reasons aren't even valid. How about this: Like this status and I'd write on your wall something TRUTHFUL--something I don't like about you.
Like this statement if you've the balls for negative comments about your very own character.
Let's start this mud-slinging activity ♥'
but it failed. Apparently, most people just want to hear the good things others have to say about them. No one emulated me, or at least not any that I know of. It's kinda depressing how low humanity has sunk, when only 24 out of around 300 friends of mine chose to like it. I'm pretty sure it made it to the 'Top News' section, so it's hard for people to miss.
Oh well. To be honest I didn't really expect much, but I didn't expect the turnout to be so discouraging either.
Are people that afraid of criticisms? I'd rather have sincere suans than pretentious niceties, and I've never liked a status that promises me reasons for me to be liked by the status-updater.
A wall quibbed with niceties is a wall screwed.
A guy posting about Facebook trends is a guy un-laid.
-- 6/20/2010 02:26:00 AM
Happy 18th DLWJ (;
I've had many shitty experiences lately, and I have no idea why my stomach isn't working well enough to stop churning shit out every now and then. That, or why my sphincter muscles are unable to keep the shit in the rectum. Or could my rectum be decreasing in size? :cI shat outside. Twice. 2 bloody times. The first one was weird and random, while the second one was...weird and random too, not to mention disturbing.
I did mention my dislike for auto-flush systems right? I'd like to declare war against such technology but sadly speaking technology is like nature and nature can't be beaten by one's solo efforts =\
On my second try to clear my shitter of shit, the feared backlash happened. I was like 'OMF the shit water just splashed my butt', but it didn't end there--the auto-flush kicked in and more shit water came to rinse my ass. I don't know what's its point, but it happened and I felt weird having (relatively clean) toilet water being pumped up to tickle my balls. I didn't consider standing up and waiting for the rain to end, because I was kinda enjoying it myself. Hooooooooops.
It really was ticklish.
Watched the A-Team with what remained of the guys as KL went back home to watch Germany vs Serbia after I tipped him off that Germany was in dire straits. Football fans can be quite crazy at times, but oh well, whatever floats their boat.
Oh, and we met for DL's 18th birthday. Happy birthday boy, hope the opportunity to use the condoms I gave you arises soon <3
It was quite an epic day actually, we wanted to stalk him at his house at around 4PM before going to J8 after giving him(and subsequently, eating) his birthday cake, but due to a retarded reason(tuition), he came at like 5.30PM. It was epic fail ahahahahahahahahaha but the lead-up was tickling anyway. I went swimming in Bishan library on the floor while charging my phone and while the rest were doing weird stuff like studying or reading comics(I am guilty of this one), and we whiled away one hour like that.
Then KL opened the wrapping to DL's shiny new wallet(OK, not shiny) for me to slot the condoms inside what would otherwise be slotted with cards. The instruction manual went to the IC slot, so he could refer to it should he have troubles putting it on.
Went to Pizza Hut to see if we could eat there but no, there were too many people and after buying food in Yoshinoya the Pizza Hut people called. So oh well, too bad for them. Then the A-team, and went home. OK I am slightly disoriented due to fatigue, I've had weird sleeping hours the past few days, always sleeping at 2AM and waking up at like 6.30AM, I guess I will die young this way.
Perhaps this explains my weird nightmare when I was having a short nap. As is the nature of dreams, they fade. And they fade very quickly. But it's another related nightmare, and I noted it down as a handphone reminder immediately after waking up from it. It was something like a friend changing her blog address for someone she barely knows, and I went like WTF due to jealousy. OK I get jealous over everything. It's a male thing to be jealous, like you don't want your female friends to go around mating with people, at least not with the people you don't approve of. The blog address was 'acidified.blogspot.com', and well, there really is a registered blog there and the last(and only) time it was updated was in 2003, which was my Neopets day. I didn't start MSN until Sec2.
And saw the Cat High 4-9 people when we were walking around J8, it was epic. I became shameless for that few seconds when I shouted 'WEN SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN', before the general public started staring and I faltered. I don't know..I didn't stop doing weird stuff just because it's weird, so why am I trying to conform to what's 'appropriate behaviour in public'? Is it because as we grow older, we get a more profound sense of shame and by extension, feel the impact of said shame/humiliation more when we get weird stares by people? Or is it that I've become ball-less? How do I move on from here then?
By thinking I'm affected by age, I already am affected. If I were to carry on doing weird stuff, it'd probably just to prove that I could do weird stuff and not shy away. Doesn't that mean I'm doing it just to prove that I still am up for it? What would then happen to the amusement I used to get from friends' reactions? Won't it transform to 'relief' instead, because I'd always be relieved that I'm still up for it?
Or was my past bravado based solely on the Catholic High School uniform? I had no problems making a lot of noise in J8 wearing the school uniform, and basically being a public nuisance. Today, I was obviously not wearing the uniform or other school-related stuff.
What's missing?
-- 6/19/2010 01:45:00 AM
But still.
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To be honest I'd be very disturbed if anyone took up those offers...
..and very turned on.
Anyway, here's a serious question I would like to pose to all females reading this:
Do you have ass hair?
It's troubling how some guys insist on the fact that they don't, and this begs the question--are females naturally this hairless even in the nether regions?
It's tiring blogging via the phone, miraculous to be able to publish it through wireless@sg, and infuriating to know that you've been sleeping around. Not in that sense, but still.
UPDATE: 11.35PM 14.6.2010
Oh I forgot to mention. During lunch(well practically I ate lunch in 2 portions), I went to shit. After doing the deed, I stood up to wipe the shit off my ass hair. And when I turned back to look at my accomplishment, well, I felt accomplished. And I was caught in a dilemma--to take a picture, or not. When I was fishing out my handphone, IT FUCKING DROPPED INTO THE TOILET BOWL. WTF.
No just joking. The toilet bowl auto-flushed. =.=
FML, seriously. It looked like those long stick-like fishcakes and to be honest I still thought I had a lot in my rectum. Normally, the number of plop sounds your shit makes correlates with the amount of shit you shat. But if there was an Olympics Diving event for shitting, that shitting experience could have come in Gold. It was silent and graceful, probably due to the high water level in the toilet bowl(I was actually quite concerned, what if it made a splash into my anus? That'd have been troublesome), but it helped in the smooth transition from rectum to air to water.
Marvellous. Simply splendid. I liked that experience, and if not for Man's invention (due to laziness) of the auto-flush, I would have had pictures of dung-fishcakes for you guys to appreciate. Sadly speaking, no. :c
Oh and there was some weird grunting noises in the cubicle beside me. The noise sounded strangely like someone desperate to get off while trying not to groan/moan as much as possible. He failed. I heard him grunting, and I don't think people with constipation grunt as much as he does. How...disturbing. At least keep the volume down =.=
-- 6/14/2010 02:47:00 PM
Man-nequins.
I keep doing stupid stuff. On Thursday night, I made my way into the display window of Metro, and the display window was displaying a mannequin dressed up in lingerie and a hat, complete with scarf and a jacket(not sure about these accessories, but I remembered the lingerie...and boobs). I found myself posing with the mannequin and I had my left hand doing an outreach program as the mannequin was on an elevated position.Here's a picture to show where I really am:
There was a Sakae buffet session yesterday, for some peoples' birthdays, and there were lots of crazy shit done between 3-6pm.
I forgot what other hilarious moments there were, because I was too full to move or laugh too much and hence bad memory, but there was this girl who, presumably, is a daughter of one of the employees.
And here's a picture to show what I was really doing:
Passers-by found it quite amusing and there was a man who pointed my act out to his girlfriend. Being retarded has its perks(the girl was quite cute).
There was an excess of lollipops to go around with, so LL took an empty plate, placed a lollipop on it, capped it with one of those plastic covers which we're all in excess with, and placed it on the conveyor belt.
It came back.
Then he tried something else. He filled the cap of the miso soup bowl with cucumber, placed it on a plate, capped it with the same type of plastic covers, and placed it on the conveyor belt.
It didn't come back.
Hope the chefs removed it, coz LL was scratching his feet while preparing his dish.
There was also a food fight, in which ice packs and lemons were thrown around. And MH placed his phone on the conveyor belt, and the phone's video capturing function was on, so you could experience the (short) life of a sushi as it makes its way down the conveyor belt.
I forgot what other hilarious moments there were, because I was too full to move or laugh too much and hence bad memory, but there was this girl who, presumably, is a daughter of one of the employees.
She was quite cute. The daughter that is, not the mother.
MH muttered something to the guys along the lines of 'I want to do a rape in a Japanese restaurant' when the girl was just behind me(I was sitting because standing increases the effect of gravity on the lead-weight of a stomach I had) and being full and having most of the blood in my stomach I went ahead and announced:
Wah MH said he wanted to do a rape in a Japanese restaurant with the cute girl behind me
before I ran off due to embarrassment. As the girl was sitting behind me, I couldn't see her reaction at all...
...but I was told that she looked up.
We ran after that, I wasn't very interested in being accused of sexual harassment.
Darren passed me my chem+bio stuff, so sweet of him to come down to Bishan MRT station just to pass it to me <3
On the way back, I was squashed in the MRT compartment at Serangoon. There were 2 couples in front of me, and they were all over each other so I couldn't really tell whose hand was..whose. 2 couples as in 2 pairs of couples, mind you. And because I was quite disturbed(I didn't really enjoy the scene, I didn't want to be caught staring), I closed my eyes and wished I wasn't there. And then I wished for a lot more stuff, perhaps an indication that there are cracks in my life that I'm otherwise unaware of. And then I recalled all those TV scenes in which growth is sudden and painless, and the future is always bright. They always have transition scenes in which the boy/girl grows up to be a man/woman or woman/man or woman/woman or man/man, via everyday life stuff, like alighting from an MRT train. A typical scene could be a boy alighting every day, for a few days(in the scene), at a stop that indicates the proximity of his house along that area, and then he suddenly moults into a teenager, than an adult. I was hoping for the same to happen to me as the MRT made its slow approach to Kovan. I didn't want to have to deal with the 2 couples in front of me(deal with meaning trying my best not to stare), and I didn't want to deal with a lot of other stuff right now, but nothing like that happened when I opened my eyes. Kovan was still Kovan, and I'm still me, and no jump in age has occurred besides the ageing of a minute or 2, whichever's the duration of the journey between Serangoon and Kovan.
Life's not a chore, but there are tiresome parts and the jealousy, inadequacy, every negative feeling one could ever have, doesn't make you stronger. It makes you more aware of certain inhibitions in your life.
I try to ignore these inhibitions, but I'm not sure how often it works. I've typed around 5 times more messages to you than I've ever sent, because the remaining 4 times were chucked or promptly deleted due to the inhibitions that are so deeply ingrained.
I'm 1/5 the man I am in front of you than I am in front of others, all because of inhibitions.
I will post the picture of me and my girlfriend+the mannequin) next time. I remember when I was young, I was very scared of mannequins because there was a ghost movie about mannequins. I was P1 then. Still young and innocent, still unaware that there are things that are worse than ghosts--humans, inhibitions, myself.
-- 6/12/2010 12:54:00 AM
Bintan+Adarling's 18th.
It's been a rather eventful week, 5 days of activity. Went Bintan for holiday with my family, and to be honest that was quite a boring trip so I take back 'activity' from the '5 days'.Besides boring, it was a rip-off. Everything there was calculated in SGD instead of rupiah, which was convenient for us but also a clear indication of Singaporean's vested interest in visiting that area(and getting ripped off). It was fun, the hotel was nice, the view was good, there were a lot of bikini babes(some hot, some...not so hot), and the sun was blazing, and the beach was clean, and the swimming pool was nice, and the banana boat was orgasmic, and the fishes were hard to catch, and the meals there were not exactly fantastic for the money we're paying, and that's basically all we did there.
Really. We spent most of our time either on the beach or in the swimming pool, and to travel 1hr on the ferry just to swim is quite extravagant, but enjoyable all the same. Oh and we bought duty-free booze on the way there at the Tanah Merah Ferry Terminal, and the amount was enough for a bath.
And speaking of baths, I finally had one after 7 years, and it was quite amazing what baths could do to you. I wanked into the water, and I saw my semen shooting out slowly as is the nature of water--it slows stuff down. It was disturbing and I didn't try it on the second/third day.
And on the last day, while waiting for the bus to bring us back to the ferry terminal, my mum decided to try shisha, and my 7 year old cousin and older cousins also had a go at it. It wasn't fantastic, it was quite dreadful because I don't like the smoke. I like smoke effects, like being able to exhale it from the smoke, but I don't like it from my nose because I just...don't. After effects was worse, it seemed like it deprived my brain of oxygen and I felt light-headed and difficult to breathe and I don't like it when I lose control of my body.
And basically that's all. Oh and there were 'parties' organized by my cousins everyday in the hotel room(s), and we did a lot of stuff during the parties, and this list is exhaustible:
1) Eat potato chips
2) Drink soft drinks
3) Play the iPad my uncle bought
My sister named it the 'Get Fat sessions', and I couldn't agree more. That plus all the beer throughout all 3 days could be a lethal combination for any lesser man(to get fat) but luckily due to my high metabolic rate and strong constitution, I did not get (too) fat.
Yea that's basically about it for the Get Fat Sessions and the whole Bintan trip. It was fun, but the price was too high for such a fun. We could have simply rented hotel rooms in Singapore and we could do the same, except that it'd be minus the beach and banana boat.
Here's something rare: Pictures
1) This amused me slightly, probably because I was quite a sua gu at that time and didn't know how this works, so I decided to bring this amazement I felt to you people who are reading it:
Here's a picture of the swimming pool. I took it before we left:
Here's a picture of the shisha thingum. Do not focus on the shisha though. What I was really taking a picture of was...well you'd see:
Shall skip the 4th day of activity because it didn't go down too well for me.
And yesterday, Wednesday, was Adarling's birthday, and I was invited to the birthday celebrations so I went along with another 3 Cat High friends. He invited his MJC friends too and it was a bit awkward because one of them tried to grope me after seeing me grope the other 4 Cat High people present, and I wasn't wearing any underwear because I couldn't be bothered to put on any, and it was at Marina Square and I was hoping that the collective weight of my wallet+handphone would not be large enough to pull my pants down and expose my large weapon to the world. Well, at least it made me pay attention to where I'm walking to, and normally I'm gravitating towards large posters of women in various states of undress.
So much that a JBH decided to draw Paedo-Bears on my hands:
And because I've been missing for such a long time and snooping around on Facebook pissed me off about something, I'm going to blog about something else--OCIP.
I've never been to any OCIP-s before, and I'm not exactly interested in any(you may say sour grapes, and I probably won't deny), but seeing people profess their love for OCIP and how fun it is is quite a turn off.
I don't get it. To help people, you generally need to find people who need help. And people who need help probably don't find it fun to need help in the first place. To put things into perspective if you're a slow person, a beggar could be happy that you gave him 10 bucks, but he'd probably prefer to be someone able to give 10 bucks instead of being on the receiving end of kindness. There's an apt Chinese adage: 施比受更有福, which just means it's more fortunate to give than to receive.
I might be reading too much into this, but I think that to gloat over your own fortune at the expense of others' misfortune is quite against the notion of 'help', right? In fact I don't like the word 'help', I prefer the word 'support', because help just makes it sound like you're putting someone else down, for the reason I stated above.
What I don't get is that people here are actually missing the simple fare they had in the place they visited for their OCIP. It's like saying that they miss being famished, when the people there don't want to be famished in the first place. Isn't it a very direct snub at the people living in the place of supposed misfortune? Isn't it inappropriate for people to go around posting such stuff on Facebook, like 'Oh I miss helping people'?
These are the feel-good people--they do things only to make themselves feel good. They don't really give a shit about the peoples' lives, they just want to know that they 'helped'. They want certain random elements in their lives to be present, they want others to be in a position where they need help so that they themselves could the victims of circumstances, and they forget that the people they 'helped' would still remain underprivileged as compared to them. Gloating about their own fortunes on a virtual medium, or rather, any form of gloating, is altogether inappropriate. Fucked up people.
Isn't OCIP supposed to transform people for the better? To be more thankful for their own charmed lives in Singapore? And not to 'miss' the hardships they faced? Teenagers these days really don't know how to cherish their own lives, or the lives of others for the matter. You are not supposed to 'miss' OCIP, you're supposed to recall those memories of people you supported, and hope to bring the same happiness you brought to your previous beneficiaries unto other people that are less fortunate than you.
This is a 'wish', and not something that you should feel nostalgic about. I believe that Mother Teresa did not enjoy the work she has done. She does not want to have to do her work at all. She would not miss doing her work if she does not have to. I am no saint, but I understand this notion. So why are people treating it like an excursion, a fun thing?
Another thing about teenagers--they trivialize everything. What should be touching, moving, turns out to be 'fun', and this 'fun' consumes everything else they should feel.
-- 6/10/2010 11:40:00 AM
Imma go missing (;
I find it disturbing how I always want to reach out to people. Facebook further exacerbates this issue of mine, because I'd feel more inclined to write on someone's wall randomly, but I won't because of various reasons, ranging from a lack of reason to pride. Then I end up sulking away and going off to try to login to Battleon which is always full.I find reaching out a very tough thing to do. I enjoy talking to people, I enjoy their company. I enjoy my exchanges with them. But reaching out is kinda out of my comfort zone. I like to wait for people to come to me. And I don't want to appear like I'm interested in anybody's affairs, because I'm supposed to be like aloof, indifferent. I try to think of myself as some wise sage, because wise sages always wait for people to come to them to give them business, and they don't ply their trade, but I'm not sure how often that works.
And then I see my friends doing weird stuff to my distant friends. I try to defend them, but I get lambasted instead, and I've never gotten any recognition for my EQ efforts, and although I'm not complaining, some form commendation for my endeavors(fruitless) would be nice for a change every now and then, especially from the people who do matter, which, to be honest, don't exist.
What really riles me is when I see people doing stuff, getting close to people, for a personal vendetta, but get lauded all the same. I don't like to preach on what's wrong or what's right, because I know my definition differs from others, but I'd like to censure such people if I could.
But I can't, for various reasons, and everything I can never say, remains unsaid. There are times when I do want to tell people stuff but I'm not sure how often they care, and I think this is one thing I should learn to give up on.
And there are times when I keep trying to change people to suit myself, because I am such, but I keep failing. I kick and try, but it never works. It's depressing and then I wonder about the power of my own influence. I always picture certain dramatic pictures of something like myself in my mind, maybe that's why I'm constantly bugged by nightmares.
Circumstances never seem to go with me, but as a gamer I've learnt the importance of 'Urgent Optimism', and to be honest, that's really one of the most important thing I've learnt.
Bah. Your problems make mine seem smaller than they actually are...because it's you.
This is such a depressing post I'm going to spice it up with what happened today and what's going to happen from later to Monday.
Went for the NS checkup thingum today, and there were many firsts, like I've never had a pee test or a blood test before, and..
...a 3 fucking hours worth of MCQ questions testing one's ability to:
1) seek patterns
2) comprehend English
3) comprehend instructions
4) do algebra
5) do arithmetic progression/geometric progression
6) discover orientations
and what else I forgot.
Such a chore, and there's a break after every test, and every time I get to the end of a test I'd be hoping for the end of the entire process, only to be disappointed time and again because it is a 'battery of tests', and it didn't end until it ended(duh), and it took damn fucking long =.=
I think I took 2 hours. Dreary process. Not to mention boring.
Yawns.
I met LKS there though <3 so I'm not complaining. I thought I'd be going only with ET, but I don't mind third parties(;
Here's an extract from the Recruit's Handbook. It's quite colloquial and damn funny:
"For example, you could get fat, which isn't good, because fat cells do not get along well with your vital organ - the heart. Then you jmight have to check yourself into hospital and allow the doctors to perform some life-saving emergency procedure on you."
I'm going overseas from Saturday to Monday. Hope I'm not bothered enough to come online ahaha.
-- 6/04/2010 11:45:00 PM