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Secrets, spoilers, defects, and...free pens.

Here's a more zoomed out version of the spoils of war (I just found out that I left one pen out of the equation, a Navy pen, one of those boring plain blue ones that come plentiful, because I didn't keep it properly and it was in the bag and I didn't fish it out for this family portrait):

And here's a more zoomed in version of it:

We had this career fair thingum on Wednesday, and there was an exhibition showcasing many scholarships available for everyone, and sign-ons and stuff. I didn't really pay much attention, I fell asleep during the 3-hour 'lecture' from different groups of people from different backgrounds all trying to spread propaganda about how their school is the best for us.

It was damn boring I tells you, and I didn't get any take-home messages at all, except that some AJ teachers really suck. There was one teacher berating us for being restless, but fuck you, even snakes move every 3 hours...I think. Either way we're humans and we need to move and it's either we start grabbing the iPhones of others to go on Facebook or we start grabbing our own phones (or dicks) and start playing. There'd always be random bursts of activity whenever there is a change in speaker, because there'd be people rushing to the toilet. I wonder why, because young people should have strong bladders, perhaps the AJ atmosphere makes us all older. Much older. Fact: There was no toilet breaks allocated during the 3 hours. Another fact: Humans move a lot. Third fact: It is a given that restlessness would be part of the program simply because of fact 1.

USE YOUR BRAINS DAMMMIT.

Another interesting thing to note is that there was no air-conditioning for like the first hour. It was a ball-sweating experience. Yea, shure, the air-conditioner needs to warm up to cool the place, but if you knew that there are outside speakers involved perhaps it would be a good idea to, I don't know, switch on the air-conditioning earlier?? Like, common sense much?

I like to think of myself as a very reasonable man. I can stand it if I'm criticized, for even the slightest mistake I made. But I cannot stand the brainlessness of this whole shit =.= air-conditioners much? I know you don't really care if your students are suffering from sweaty balls, but your sweat glands do not get less active as you grow older. Some of your precious guest speakers are males, and you are depriving them of their ball-room dryness. Before you point your finger at us for being a disgrace, stop being so kiam =.=

Then there was this exhibition thingum. There were a lot of freebies, and I went around with Fi and GX to collect all the freebies available. There were lots of free pens and souvenirs and key-chains and the like, and we went around every booth to shamelessly ask for the souvenirs.

Fi was more tactful and he actually went to spend time at every booth with this algorithm:

Question 1: So how many years is the bond?

Question 2: What if I want to go overseas? How long would the bond be then?

Question 3: How much is the allowance?

Question 4: Are tuition fees included?

Question 5: Thank you (: can I have that as a souvenir?

And there was this particular pen that we both wanted because it's from the Air Force and it shines and glitters and shimmers and looks more dicknified than the rest of the pens all put together, and it was tough getting it because you have to sign up first. Fi talked for a long time and I chipped in every now and then, and the dude appeared reluctant to give us anything because apparently, we need to sign up first before we could get the foolscap pad and the pen together, and being an honest boy I went like 'Um colour deficient = cannot sign up right =\' and the guy gave me a consolatory foolscap pad anyway (I asked for it). It was kinda intense, because I was like waving the foolscap pad at my friends' face and announcing with a rather loud voice: EH GOT FREE FOOLSCAP PAD AND VERY NICE PEN COME AND TAKE LEH. I did this at other booths too (;

So Fi said this: Considering the amount of time we spent on this booth don't you think that you should give us a pen (:

It failed. But we got it anyway, towards the end of the exhibition when they are all like spamming because they couldn't be bothered to take them back. Kinda fun.

Which reminds me of my colour deficiency problem. Whenever I tell people I'm colour blind, the first (and most normal) response would be 'Whoa really? I didn't know leh why you never tell me before? So what colours you cannot see?' I don't really understand why they make such a big fuss out of colour-blind people, it's not that rare, especially for males, isn't it? And about the 'why you never tell me before' part, I think I've told many people before. It's just that nobody bothers about it that much, and that there's not much of a point in like publicizing the fact that I've got a defect.

Some would also probe like 'Don't lie lah'. I mean like what the fuck? Why would I want to lie about a problem with my eyes? Is it very fun to deceive the world about what colours I can/cannot see? I get quite pissed off when they start questioning the very integrity of my person, almost as if I'm one to lie about such medical problems, but being a diplomatic man I always have to calm down and not do anything retarded like bashing the guy up.

But that's not the worst.

At this point, I'd have responded with 'I am red-green deficient, or so the doctor said'. And immediately after that, the people I'm talking to would start pulling colours out of their arses, ranging from folders to phones, to check what colours I couldn't see. Then they would take out their green pen and ask me 'Is this green to you?', while I start feeling like I'm some caged animal in a freak show (simply because I'm a fucking colour-deficient person) where everyone crowds around and pays a certain random unknown middleman a lot of money to ask me inane questions such as 'What's this colour', 'Can you see this', et cetera.

I get so tired of all this. But I'm never/hardly a spoilsport so I play along and go like 'No, it's red what', and appreciate their shocked faces before going 'Naw just joking'.

It still remains irksome though. A humane response, I understand how curiosity works, but an irritating one nevertheless.

Which reminds me.

I'm getting very tired of humans. I cannot stand the fact that they are different from me. I'm not even talking about stuff like difference in intelligence, mental strength, physical abilities, et cetera. I'm tired of how some of them aren't human at all. When I mean human, I mean the values they have, their behaviour, et cetera.

Let's talk about secrets. It's normal for people to have secrets, regardless of the nature of that particular secret. Let's say that I've got this embarrassing secret that I don't really enjoy making public, like hugging stuffed toys to sleep every night. It's embarrassing but it's not a very 'serious' secret, because it's something people would laugh about (thus embarrassing). If I were to tell a close friend about it, I'd expect him not to spread around our immediate circle of friends, because that's what close friends are for. If I were to announce this secret to a whole gang of friends and tell them not to tell anyone else, I'd expect them to keep this secret too, because this is otherwise known as 'Trust'. Just because I shared something with a group of friends doesn't make it an open secret, like how truths blurted out in truth or dare sessions are supposed to stay within the group.

I cannot understand how people can fail to look at things in a vastly different way from me. I like to think of myself as a very reasonable man, and I happen to find myself a very reasonable man. Normally, reason agrees with reason, so when I find something reasonable while another doesn't that person is definitely wrong, because being a reasonable man I'm always correct. So if I find something wrong it is wrong and when I find something right while you find something wrong you're wrong.

I believe that secrets are shared between the sharer and the recipient of the secrets. It's a trust issue. It's never about the nature of the contents. It's not about the contents. It's not about anything. It's about the fucking trust one puts in when he shares information with another.

Say for example I come up with this cock-and-bull story about how another person is actually my cousin when she's not. It's not exactly a huge secret, nor is it a secret that could kill should it be let out. There's no need for heads to be rolled when the recipient of the secret blurts it out, and there's no need to be uptight over this seemingly harmless piece of information. But should this be let out I WOULD BE DAMN PISSED. You can think of it as a test of trust, and the piece of information given is not important at all. The fact that it's leaked is.

I've told people stuff I did which I'm not proud of, and sometimes they use the information against me. I remember once I told a close friend about it, and he went to bait another close friend of mine with that information. He didn't specify what I did, but it was enough to pique the interest of the other close friend enough to pester me about it and when that happens what am I to do?

I am forced to share, if not I'd appear to have chosen a 'closer' close friend.

And I hate being forced to share things. I like to share at my own pace, within my comfort zone. I don't need to share anything at all, I'm perfectly fine without sharing anything. I share when I'm bored, when I need a conversation topic, when I want someone to know more about me, when I want to show off, when I need to get it off my chest. People misunderstand sharing as 'need', like I share information because I need the recipient of my information.

That's wrong.

I don't.

Like I said before, there are always events in one's life. The people involved in these events feel something for the event, and when they feel they might make up their mind about said events and thus change their lives permanently. I don't normally bother talking about how I feel about events and it's a mighty honour to even get to know events in my life. I don't tell people about how such events change me, that'd be too close for comfort.

You're not doing me a favour by listening or probing. I am doing you a favour by telling you things about me. Don't take that as an endearing-attempt by me to you. I don't bother with such stuff. I'm too inert.

And I hate it when people backstab me as such. Like I said, it's never about the content of the secret, or rather, the information. It's not the nature of the information disseminated that I'm pissed about, but the act of dissemination itself.

It's like if I have a good joke and I get the punchline stolen away from me by a random passerby. I like to think of my information as things to trade with, like as if they are my bargaining chips. I use them AT MY OWN DISCRETION. It's not up to others to randomly stake my chips, for their own (diabolical) means.

This is why I get damn turned off whenever I get spoilered or when I get my punchline stolen from me. I will not want to talk anymore and I will lose interest in the show I'm spoilered in. I will be pissed with the person who spoilered me, but that's not the only effect the spoiler would have on me. I like everything to be kept a mystery from me, demystifying something makes it lose its appeal to me and I'd just not bother anymore.

I can understand the thrills of threatening with spoilers, I love showing off that I have knowledge in certain things. It's thrilling, really. But it's irritating when you keep making comments on how others don't know what you know, because y'know what?-we get the point, now shut the fuck up and get over yourself.

And no this isn't directed to K ahahahaha (doubt my classmates read my blog anyway) it's to people in general who keeps spoilering others. People who really want to spoiler others (with the malicious intent to) wouldn't make much fanfare over the spoiler, they would just add that piece of information in without the fun of you trying to avoid the spoiler.

On a completely different note I had an enjoyable Friday evening catching up with you, thanks <3 <--OK the heart is inappropriate but you get my point~

-- 7/30/2010 11:55:00 PM

Bringing the world closer...indeed.

Not many people know this, but I've got a sister and she's 3 years older than me. We're currently celebrating her 21st birthday by doing some stayover chalet thingum at some NSRCC thingum, near Changi Coast Adventure Centre (where we had our OAL training). It was bloody nostalgic as we turned into the road leading to this NSRCC place, because I remember carrying LWY who was termed a 'casualty' by Mr. GKY into the CCAC.

Tough days. I miss them.

I know this is kinda blur, but my mum was driving around in her car, she's driving too fast, she's driving too far, but this is what the nostalgic place of 3 years back looks like:

This is the most hellish 100+ metres of my life to date:

So yea, we had a birthday party for her just this past evening (Saturday evening), when I came to a disturbing conclusion--that electronic gadgets are taking over family occasions.

Q: How often does a conversation between 2 adults who don't really know each other well when they are supposed to steer towards technology?

A: Very often.

I keep hearing them talk in technological jargon which always escapes me. Examples include, but are not limited to:

'Oh this phone's OS is BLAH'

'Ah the Android phone not bad'

'Oh the iPhone works on this'

'What's your data plan?'

'What games you want I send you'

Stuff like that always happens. It's tiring to hear and tiring to observe, because I don't get a single shit about what they are saying and I don't see a point in discussing such stuff in the first place. I'm not going to make a decision on my next new phone based on a few pointers given by relatives I barely know. I'm not going to make a decision on which new phone I'd buy by looking at the description of the phone on the brochures given out at the booth. I am going to make my decision based on price and looks and perhaps a few necessary functions. That's all.

So why the hype about which operating system the phone works with? It's completely unrelated with familial ties.

I don't understand, nor do I aspire to understand the workings of phones. I know how to use them, that's more than enough for me.

Are people interested in talking about it because talking about it makes them appear more sophisticated? Like 'I know how it works, HA'.

But to be honest that's not my main point. I do have a beef with this: Kids playing with such electronic gadgets all the time. It's not abnormal to see a bunch of kids huddled around and iPhone playing Tap Tap. It's abnormal to see a bunch of kids NOT huddled around an iPhone, even if it's switched off. That's how much technology is consuming us and our daily lives and interactions with people.

What happened to playing Tic-Tac-Toe ON PEN AND PAPER? What happened to all the playgrounds built? What happened to running around, screaming, playing catching, ice and water, et cetera? What happened to all the marble-throwing, monopoly, Uno, blah blah blah?

Our traditional modes of entertainment are all being removed, made obsolete, and we don't even know what hit us. Is this a change that should be encouraged? Kids being exposed to technology at such an early age and being bombarded by information and weird games and music blared by Tap Tap and the like? What's wrong with people these days?

Bring us back to the primitive days please. At least I know what my kids would be growing up into.

But seriously..how can anyone expect any kind of family bonding when there are several bunches of kids around the several iPhones they are bunched around? I've never experienced any 'kampong days' before (though I've had an experience which was quite traumatizing), but I think that's a community more closely-knitted than now.

They always say that globalization brings the world closer together because you can make friends from all over the globe, but they are missing out on the fact that while you're online, your mother is in her room neglected. 24/7.

So much for 'bringing the world closer'.

Of course, I am no sage. I am not immune to the quirks of this century. As a proof of my submission to this inane desire to remain plugged in, I brought my sister's laptop to the swimming pool just now while I was on guard duty to make sure that my cousins don't drown (they are all at least 3 years younger than me, my mother's side that is).

It was kinda cool really, and with the plugged in portable modem it seemed like I was really on official business while taking care of my very own kids (because I look the age), but yeaa. It was just fun. And disturbing that I need to remain plugged in so often.

It's not really her birthday yet, and it's not really very much about her, but still, happy birthday sister (:

-- 7/25/2010 02:50:00 AM

We can't wake up from life.

I've always been fascinated by pointless stuff, or seemingly pointless stuff. I remember Mr. Ong talking about tapeworms and how well-adapted they are to our digestive system, so much that they can survive in our intestines for like damn long and eat the food we eat.

I remember wondering out: What's their point in life?

They didn't seem to have much of a point--just staying in one area (the afflicted's stomach), feeding, growing up, procreating, dying, and getting shat out.

I failed to note that all humans life the same kind of life, and even if we did there's no difference. There's always a world out of the world we're currently in, and if we were to really learn to look at things in the 'macroscopic' point of view we'd realize that we count for nuts.

This is all because I read about some weird huge-ass star out in the universe some 165,000 light years away on the newspapers earlier. If the Earth is a tapeworm, there'd be many other tapeworms within the gut of the universe. Is there a world outside of this universe in which the universe as we know it is a tapeworm of the world outside of this universe? What are we all doing then? We talk about protecting the Earth and shit like that but in the grand scheme of things, in the entire universe, no one gives a shit. If there were aliens they'd probably laugh at us for taking life too seriously, for being too uptight about random shit and not living life as fully and extravagantly as we can, instead of worrying about examinations, certificates, jobs, relationships, getting laid, getting blowjobs, et cetera.

When we take a step back and look at things we'd realize just how extremely small we are, and how our efforts will come to naught. It's a very depressing way to look at things, because you know you can never do anything to change anything you don't like in this world, and you know that even if you could you're still living in an illusion.

Living is like dreaming, except that you can't wake up from it. And as you keep dreaming and doing what you want in your dream, you realize that it all counts for naught when you eventually wake up from this dream you know as your life.

But do we actually ever 'wake up'? Is there still a dream within a dream, or do we simply stop thinking, cease to exist, have our minds removed from us, be incapable of thought, almost as if time has stopped for us? Would committing suicide hasten our progress towards awakening from this current dream we're living in, or would time just stop and we be unable to make sense out of our current dream? Do we just give up here and now, or live our dreams fully no matter how much of a nightmare it can be, because dreams will turn out better as long as we think positively?

Does optimism help?

Inception really is a mind-raping movie. I watched it with my sis by the way. As in my real sister, the one that was born before me from my mother's womb, and not the bullshit 'god-sister' kind that many people are known to be making. Tiring movie. I am beginning to question my own existence and the point of it and when juxtaposed with the star 165,000 light years away I'm really beginning to doubt the point of everything.

-- 7/23/2010 12:09:00 AM

How am I to stay angry? =\

Yea so the P4 camp just ended, it was on the 16-17th July. It wasn't as tiring as the P5 camp despite more activities, probably because the kids were all too busy doing their activities that they couldn't misbehave, and besides it's harder to misbehave seeing as they are in an unfamiliar environment.

The camp site was at Jalan Bahtera (forgot how to spell). Remember that fucked up place from Sec2 camp? Yea, it's that place. I remember a lot of stories about it seeing as it's an old place, and it didn't disappoint because now I've got more stories about it directly from friends.

But basically the whole camp kinda sucked because there were many kinks to sort out and I don't like to comment on such stuff. The only fun parts were:

1) walkie talkies, or whatever it's called. It's fun to announce to everyone on the same channel 'Senior facils please change to channel 2', and then start singing random songs over the talkie, just because we can. The batteries end up dying fast. And it's fun to walk by other junior facils with ETYF screaming 'Don't wanna miss a thing' through the talky.

2) walking around with a clipboard and feeling important because I have a clipboard.

3) shouting at kids when they run past me, because running is prohibited.

4) taking pictures of random underwear sightings on railings

I really cannot fathom how it got there. Someone must have been a real exhibitionist. So yea. Basically those were the highlights of the camp. Minus the Gee dance for campfire of course, it kinda failed. It's fun to practise in the dance studio though (;

And it's supposed to be the last year for the super senior facilitators because we've got NS next year, and we got like a lot of notes made by the junior facilitators for us and a video made for us so it was quite touching :c

All my anger towards them for screwing up certain things and not seeing the light the way I see it (which may be wrong, I agree, but I reserve the rights to be angry anyway) kinda disappeared and I melted because of other problems which makes the problem with facils pale in comparison, like administrative problems, problems with the establishment, et cetera. Besides, the notes written were quite touching and the video too (:

How can anyone stay angry? (;

I don't really know how to carry on with this blog post...

...but I can safely say that that's not the last RIV would be seeing of us (;

I don't really know what else to say now, so I shall end off here. The fact that we were given much fanfare makes me reconsider going back to help out or not--it seems anti-climactic to go back even after we were sent off =\

The bad thing about this camp was that there's finally a blemish in my records. I'm always settling kiddish problems ranging from

1) homesick

2) being uncooperative

3) misbehaving (in all its forms)

There was a guy I failed to discipline and I don't want to talk about it too much because it's kinda embarrassing :c oh well =\

And there was another highlight of the camp--night sentry. Really, the kids don't need sleep. They keep playing with torchlights and shining torchlights on trees. If only we could tell them ghost stories to shut them up =\

And there was a bunch of facils who just didn't want to go home after the camp. Really irritating, because I felt obliged to stay until they zao-ed home, and they zao-ed home at like 12.50AM =\ I was feeling really shitty because I need to shit and they couldn't take into consideration my feelings :c

Naw it wasn't that irritating, I just had to victimize myself.

-- 7/18/2010 10:50:00 PM

Cat High Homecoming 2010

Before anything else, I'd like to thank JL for lending me his vulvazela for like 3 minutes. I figured out how to sound it, and then he took it back :c but still, to be able to play a vulvazela is quite an experience.

Vuvuzela = vulvazela

When I signed into Facebook this morning, I got this staring at me:

And I couldn't really be settled down enough to carry on playing retarded games like Mafia Wars and Restaurant City. I was damn hyped up and if I could teleport over I would, but I couldn't and it's way ahead of time so I didn't.

When I was on the MRT headed towards Bishan, I couldn't really go through every single station because I was just too excited and I wanted to jump down every station hoping that it'd somehow magically transform into Bishan interchange.

No such drama occurred, the female voice announcing every train station announced 'Bishan interchange' in her usual cadence almost as if nothing big is happening, probably because nothing big is happening.

So I hopped off and met KS and his girlfriend, and we met R before going to Cat High. I don't really want to talk about what happened because talking about events is boring. The thing about events is this--they make you think and when you think you feel and when you feel you change. Most people stop at how they think, and from there you can infer how they feel about the event at hand. But they would never tell you how they would change due to the event. That's too personal.

And that's beside the point. Met quite a few friends, ran around screaming quite a bit, met a few teachers and learnt about the promotions of a few others, and came to the conclusion that Cat High has changed quite a lot in terms of staffing. Which is quite sad since I miss GYH and Tiger Teo and probably a wee bit of GKY since he's like the most flamed and hated teacher of all times, and without this common enemy Cat High may fall apart. Naw, it's just that irritating people has a side to them that makes you miss them even if you're always irritated.

Whenever I meet teachers, their faces will light up, and show signs of valiant attempts at racking their memories to recall a name to a distant face that is my own. Then they will recall that I am their student, and that I am from a class (they normally get this one right), but they can't recall much after that. But then again, who am I to complain? Teachers get like around 200 students per year to teach, which means like 1.6k every 4 years. I wasn't that outstanding anyway, how can I jut out amongst that astronomical amount of people they have in their memories?

I've learnt to take things in my stride (;

There is, however, one person who would never forget my name. That's probably because I've never told her my name in the first place. Until now, I don't know her name either, but I always shout 'AUNTIE' and she'd know it's me and turn. She even treated me lunch before. She forced it on me and it's rude to refuse and she's not a stranger so...why not? This relationship I have with her really questions the need for names. Is it possible to have any form of meaningful relationship with someone whose name you don't even know? Apparently, yes in this case. Sometimes when I go back to Cat High I will see her and I will approach her. She's cute:

Oh and apparently a class was cashing in on the Octopus Oracle, or Oracle Octopus depending on your nationality/desired way of phrasing. They were selling a dish named "Paul dé Octopus":

and apparently it sold out because when I wanted to buy it at like 12PM it was already gone. Clever people.

Besides selling this international delicacy, some Cat High person definitely had the balls within him to set up this:

Tamiya cars. I remember spending a lot of money on them when I was young. I remember getting my motor scammed/stolen when I was young and then I got hardened, not referring to my appendage but my heart. :c

But seriously, I know it's fun but it's also very distracting. I was walking behind KS and V when i veered off course because I was looking at the race =.= I blame Cat High.

Here's a picture of a symbolic reference to the Great School. If I'm on the MRT and it goes by Bishan, I'd always look towards it and start humming the school song to myself (or singing it out loud because I'm emboldened in the presence of friendlies):

I can totally understand why people feel the need to vandalize stuff. It's leaves your mark on something to make it characteristically yours. My table was vandalized quite heavily, and my chair too. They taped stuff over my table to form a word that is, by some (rather weak) link, me. It's gone now, the new owner of the table apparently doesn't take to the religion, but the markings still remain:

I feel kinda sad. Really, I do. I'm sad that this thing that lasted 2 years with me is gone. It was still around last September, so I guess it's the present batch sec4s who removed it. Oh well. I can't complain, right? It's not like everyone gets to leave behind their legacies for their juniors to respect and not remove. If everyone were to leave something behind, Cat High would be clogged.

I'd really love to leave something behind =\

I stayed till about the end of the whole thing. As a child I've always been interested in living things out. Not something I'd really like to elaborate on because it's weird, but yea, I've always been fascinated by things and experiences and feelings, so much that I stay with things throughout the course of its lifespan. Like, I won't throw a pen away until it absolutely has no more ink. Evident from faint writings on my midyear test papers because I forgot to restock my pencil case.

I keep hoping for last minute miracles and appearances, like perhaps long lost friends suddenly appearing to say hi. It happened in the form of W and D, they both came after tuition. Needless to say (though by saying so I've said it), I helped myself with their tits.

So I hung around trying to be of help to Cat High and the auntie stated above by cleaning up. It's quite a chore because it rained in the afternoon, and then went off to my cousin's house for his birthday party.

I managed to find my way from Pasir Ris MRT station to his house 3km away. I went to streetdirectory.com and used the 'Car' option. So when I was explaining to the people how I managed to find my way there, I had to explain that 'I treated myself as a car then follow the expressway lor'.

But the road was tough. As in, like, I kinda freaked out at many junctions because I didn't know if I was on the right track or not. It's quite hard to tell actually, because there were HDB blocks beside the expressway and I cannot simply follow the expressway, I have to find my way through those blocks. I wanted to call for help many times but manliness stopped me. Then I learnt this valuable lesson:

My navigational skills rocks.

-- 7/11/2010 12:53:00 AM

Trust yourself or you'll lose your way again.

I'm getting quite tired of all this.

What are you hiding behind the spring in your steps, your seemingly natural, purposeful gait, your clouded eyes, your calm voice, your expressionless face? What lies beneath all those? If still water runs deep, you run exceptionally deep, but why are you hiding all of it? I can feel that you are exploding with all your thoughts and emotions, so why aren't you conveying them? Do you want to become some kind of tragic hero because you tried to keep everything to yourself and everyone out and died?

Is all that facade meant to seal your melancholy away from the others? Do you, by acting normal, hope that normalcy returns? What exactly is your normal then? Do you know that you are killing your heart this way? And when one day you can no longer feel as much as others can, you will come to regret it--regret that you cannot feel regret as much as you did before. To live a life devoid of emotions is quite

You always seem to be holding back, but what are you afraid of? Is it the intensity of human relations? Do you secretly have reservations about your own abilities? Are you perhaps doubting your place in society? What's the point of all these doubts when they only serve as inhibitions--inhibiting your potential to shine, to dazzle? Why hold back?

I can see that you're trying to shake clear of all these pessimistic viewpoints. I can see you shaking your head vigorously, almost as if physical activities against your very brain can lead to a change in mindset. Is that act to shake clear of thoughts against your very character/abilities? And did it work? You always seem to fall into a greater degree of depression after such acts, you seem to have fallen. You don't want to admit it but I can see it in your eyes, they get less clouded every time you start doubting yourself, because you then believe in something--that you truly do not have a substantial place in anyone's life.

You no longer doubt your ability to shine--you already know that you can't.

But why give up now? You're still young, you still have much ahead of you. If you hold on tightly, to the things that made you who you are, it would bite back at you. Hold on tightly anyway. Trust yourself or you'll lose your way again.

But then again, what's there to trust about yourself? Then doubt fills you, and I am hard put to cheer you up, to hearten your mind and soul. I know not what you want, and I can't put you in a direction when I'm not sure where it's headed for. What can I do for you, what can I do to you?

I keep trying to change people but I can't even believe in myself.

Won't you trust anyone enough to let all that's bothering you go?

I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.

-Sylvia Plath

Cat High Homecoming later. I'm not even sure how many familiar faces I'd see, and amongst the familiar faces how many would recognize me, and among those who could still recognize me, how many would still be the way they were when we graduated from Cat High? Have they all moved on? Why am I still being retarded then?

I cannot understand how people are associating themselves with their favourite football teams and making it a personal victory when the team they support wins the opposing team. Then they take it upon themselves to declare their private victories over the others in a very weird way. It's OK, everyone knows, it's on the newspapers, it's on the news, it's on the Internet. You don't have to make it sound like it's all your credit that your favourite team won.

You don't control that much of the universe now do you? I sometimes think that perhaps if I didn't watch the match, maybe Germany would have won Spain, because that's the impact I have on the universe. But do I really have such an impact?

The Germans get cocky whenever people support them. They were the underdogs when they fought England, they were the underdogs when they fought Argentina, and when they were praised for their skills on the field they lost to Spain. Of course, full credits to Spain for having pulled that off (they owned), but it's a disturbing cycle which the Germans seem to indulge in.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore and I can't phrase things as nicely as I want to and I want to be so many things I'm currently not just so that I can experience what it's like to be what I'm not, and then appreciate how much value (or lack thereof) my life has as of now. I love my life, but I need to know others' to fully justify my love for my own life and identity, right?

I am such a confused child.

-- 7/09/2010 11:28:00 PM

Self-absorbed teachers riles me. Forces of the universe shall hit back >(

I was having a rather interesting SMS conversation with my sister just now.

Sis: E damned bird predicts an uruguay-spain final. Kns! I'm feeling very angry now!!! =(
Me: But the octopus leh?
Sis: Ocotpus says that germany will win e world cup. N ur reply is qte retarded, like e octopus is going to be accurate in its "prediction".. Hahaha..
Me: Ahahahaha you're the retarded one. Now we'd see who's better, the octopus or the bird ahaha
Sis: Haha.. This is such a retarded conversation.. If i can i'm going to kill e bird! Haha.. =X

Yea we were talking about how the animals are divining the World Cup results: Clash of Singapore's Bird vs. Germany's Octopus.

I have such interesting conversations all the time I cannot believe my luck.

This reminds me of abstract concepts like 'forces of the universe'. My sis believes that whichever team she supports would lose, because she'd jinx it. It's like believing that her team choices in Singapore would affect the team's performance thousands of miles away.

Don't we all, in many little ways, take after this simple act of 'support by not supporting'?

We want to believe that we're all useful in a way, and that we can contribute to our favourite team's success in their various endeavours. Perhaps that's why we all get so dispirited when shit happens and our teams lose, because we feel that our support for them was...useless. It's not so much for the team itself, but for our own ego as we feel that our 'contribution' towards the 'cause' did not help the cause at all.

We're all making ourselves up to be heroes.

And we enjoy it. =\

Recently I've taken to making random comments on Facebook via a certain account. Of course I didn't use my own account, I only have one mutual friend with this dude whom I clashed with, and it'd be too telling should I use my own account to do something like that.

He made a wall post on Facebook on how his class' history papers sucked because they did not follow his instructions, and I was bored enough to read through one years' worth of Facebook status updates and wall posts and comments, and I concluded that he's a self-obsessed person. Facebook updates are quite telling of one's character and level of humour, and I saw that he lacked in both. His updates were either deriding his class' efforts at the subject, or publicizing his next performance (he's a teacher cum singer).

So I commented on his wall post:

"I know it's completely unrelated for me to make a comment on this, since I'm not a student of yours (in fact, I'm not a student at all), but normally students don't listen to instructions because

1) they are apathetic towards the subject

2) they are trying to prove a point--that they do not need the instructions given by the teacher to do well in the subject.

By posting such stuff on Facebook, aren't you deriding your students' efforts in the subject, while inviting derision from others to your students? In fact, in a previous status update, there's someone who commented "Fail them all!" My years with humans have taught me that people normally react adversely to such denial of efforts, and so I feel that such acts of public humiliation would probably lead more of them to react like the aforementioned point 2.

I just thought that you, as a teacher, should know better than to post such stuff on a public medium such as Facebook."

That's about it. I really can't recall the exact words I used, and besides it'd be easy for him if he tries to stalk me using my exact words, it'd turn up on Google/Yahoo/any search engines, and then he can stalk me using my hotmail and decide that it's through my mutual friend that I decided to stalk and comment on the page using the other account.

He made a huge response, first deleting my other account from his Facebook, and replying the comment I made in a very standard way, putting down all my claims, by stating that I didn't substantiate, which I didn't bother to substantiate (because I couldn't be bothered). He also announced that he 'will spare no effort in helping and even SPOON FEEDING some of them'. Which, to me, is weird, because, to quote WK who quoted his friend who quoted from a dude:

The true purpose of education is to make minds, not careers - Willian Deresiewicz

Perhaps his act of 'spoon feeding' wasn't that professional after all, seeing as he's an A level teacher.

Teachers like him riles me. He's too self-absorbed, as can be seen by his wall posts. Have I mentioned that I stalked his older posts till last year April? Yea, I did that. Apparently he was on TV for some medical program, because he's afflicted by some disease.

Normally, when someone's down with a disease, he won't go around publicizing that he's got a disease because it's not something to be proud of. Of course, there's no need to shy away from the disease one is afflicted with, but there's no need to post on Facebook to tell everyone to watch TV about how much suffering one is going through, right?

I don't know what exposing one's weakness means, but I feel that he's just trying to gain sympathy from his students? Or something along the lines of 'I'm strong because I am doing this despite my illness, so people should respect me'. I don't get this mentality. You don't see the Prime Minister walking around parading his weaknesses (if any) during elections just to garner votes, right?

People who declare that they are disadvantaged are usually just trying to make it known that they are unable to provide their best. It's a good excuse that works. Sympathy marks are also given.

He's a guy, for fuck's sake. He's a man. He's supposed to act like one, and not go around running like a pussy showing a weaker side of him and flaunting it as an excuse for his INABILITY TO TEACH.

I know his ZHSS students love him and stuff, but it seems like changing schools caused a paradigm shift and he seems to dislike his students with a passion. I could feel it from his posts, I could feel it from the way he talked to me, and I could feel it

FROM THE WAY HE BANNED MY ACCOUNT.

Prior to that, he gave a very long-winded reply on both the wall post I commented on, and into my Facebook inbox. It was amusing, and I replied something to the effect of 'No, I'm not from HCI, I have X other friends and only 5 mutual friends with you, as a teacher you should be able to put this together and deduce that I can be from many other schools, if I'm even a student that is.

P.S. I don't think I'm the only one with too much time on my hands, your reply is so much longer than mine (;'

Obviously this message riled him, because I made so much sense. He got so riled he decided to block my account, and post on his wall, AND EVEN MAKE A NOTE, warning others against the perils of this online menace.

IT'S DAMN EPIC OK LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL I CAN'T BELIEVE A SUPPOSEDLY MATURED PERSON SUCH AS HIMSELF WOULD GO AROUND BANNING AND SPREADING HATE AHAHAHA I FEEL LIKE REPORTING HIM FOR 'SPREADING HATE' BUT I DECIDED NOT TO STOOP TO HIS LEVEL.

He posted 1338 words in his reply to my comment by the way.

I hate him with a passion and being a bored teenager I'd like to screw his life up. If only I can get screenshots and post on Stomp!. Any publicity is bad publicity for the school and would likely lead to the sacking of him from the school and death threats against my person if not for the anonymity Stomp! provides.

This reminds me of citizen journalism. I used to go to a Spinelli branch at some weird remote area in town to study, and as always I am a leecher and I've never bought stuff from there before. I leave during lunch hour and come back thereafter to leech on the nice seats. Then there's this dude who came over and told me 'Do you want to buy anything? No? Then please leave, go study somewhere else. This is not a food-court.'

I went like 'Orh', and migrated with immediate effect..

..and went to the Subway outlet just opposite Spinelli.

I was thinking of taking a picture of him in the Spinelli store, and uploading it to Stomp! to complain about bad service, but I decided that it's quite a ball-less thing to do, especially since my reply to him was, at best, pussified.

Behind the wall of anonymity, anyone can do anything without fear of social ostracism. It's feeding on this perverse, timid, side of humans, sating a humane need to feel important/powerful.

I am susceptible to this need, and I nearly fell for it there and then. But I decided against it--if I needed to settle my problems, it'd be face to face.

But this guy, this teacher, he's really too much. I recognize the fact that I'm fighting him under the cloak of anonymity, but to deny me of this anonymity simply because I riled him is...quite unbecoming of a teacher. How tempting it is to resort to Stomp!, I believe that the school would be a better place without him around.

I can't really accept teachers who go around proclaiming how much hard work he's been putting in for his students. Such things do not need to be publicized--students would know themselves. Putting it in a public medium as such and glorifying himself...if that's not self-absorbed I don't know what's not.

This is how I'm spending my 500th post--on a self-righteous, self-obsessed teacher.

Singapore's education system. Tsk tsk tsk.

My spare account died, my Restaurant City there perished (for now, until I recover the account, hopefully). I hope I did get my point across--that I'm willing to stick my neck out (in a way) for people.

-- 7/05/2010 08:21:00 PM

Name	Riatsala
Occupation	Sexaphonist
How old are you?