Trust yourself or you'll lose your way again.
I'm getting quite tired of all this.
What are you hiding behind the spring in your steps, your seemingly natural, purposeful gait, your clouded eyes, your calm voice, your expressionless face? What lies beneath all those? If still water runs deep, you run exceptionally deep, but why are you hiding all of it? I can feel that you are exploding with all your thoughts and emotions, so why aren't you conveying them? Do you want to become some kind of tragic hero because you tried to keep everything to yourself and everyone out and died?
Is all that facade meant to seal your melancholy away from the others? Do you, by acting normal, hope that normalcy returns? What exactly is your normal then? Do you know that you are killing your heart this way? And when one day you can no longer feel as much as others can, you will come to regret it--regret that you cannot feel regret as much as you did before. To live a life devoid of emotions is quite
You always seem to be holding back, but what are you afraid of? Is it the intensity of human relations? Do you secretly have reservations about your own abilities? Are you perhaps doubting your place in society? What's the point of all these doubts when they only serve as inhibitions--inhibiting your potential to shine, to dazzle? Why hold back?
I can see that you're trying to shake clear of all these pessimistic viewpoints. I can see you shaking your head vigorously, almost as if physical activities against your very brain can lead to a change in mindset. Is that act to shake clear of thoughts against your very character/abilities? And did it work? You always seem to fall into a greater degree of depression after such acts, you seem to have fallen. You don't want to admit it but I can see it in your eyes, they get less clouded every time you start doubting yourself, because you then believe in something--that you truly do not have a substantial place in anyone's life.
You no longer doubt your ability to shine--you already know that you can't.
But why give up now? You're still young, you still have much ahead of you. If you hold on tightly, to the things that made you who you are, it would bite back at you. Hold on tightly anyway. Trust yourself or you'll lose your way again.
But then again, what's there to trust about yourself? Then doubt fills you, and I am hard put to cheer you up, to hearten your mind and soul. I know not what you want, and I can't put you in a direction when I'm not sure where it's headed for. What can I do for you, what can I do to you?
I keep trying to change people but I can't even believe in myself.Won't you trust anyone enough to let all that's bothering you go?
I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.
-Sylvia Plath
Cat High Homecoming later. I'm not even sure how many familiar faces I'd see, and amongst the familiar faces how many would recognize me, and among those who could still recognize me, how many would still be the way they were when we graduated from Cat High? Have they all moved on? Why am I still being retarded then?
I cannot understand how people are associating themselves with their favourite football teams and making it a personal victory when the team they support wins the opposing team. Then they take it upon themselves to declare their private victories over the others in a very weird way. It's OK, everyone knows, it's on the newspapers, it's on the news, it's on the Internet. You don't have to make it sound like it's all your credit that your favourite team won.
You don't control that much of the universe now do you? I sometimes think that perhaps if I didn't watch the match, maybe Germany would have won Spain, because that's the impact I have on the universe. But do I really have such an impact?
The Germans get cocky whenever people support them. They were the underdogs when they fought England, they were the underdogs when they fought Argentina, and when they were praised for their skills on the field they lost to Spain. Of course, full credits to Spain for having pulled that off (they owned), but it's a disturbing cycle which the Germans seem to indulge in.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore and I can't phrase things as nicely as I want to and I want to be so many things I'm currently not just so that I can experience what it's like to be what I'm not, and then appreciate how much value (or lack thereof) my life has as of now. I love my life, but I need to know others' to fully justify my love for my own life and identity, right?
I am such a confused child.
-- 7/09/2010 11:28:00 PM
