I am bitter because I am single and lonely. Not.
It’s really hard to do office work, or so I feel. I’m so damn bored of sitting around doing nothing. Today’s Total Defence Day, and the only notable thing that happened was the sounding of the siren (the highlight of any day, which could’ve been made a better climax by the shitting of bombs, spluttering motorcycles, and screams from women and children alike). Alas, that was all that happened.
Boring.
I was thinking of coming up with a post that has something to do with Valentine’s Day. I was planning to type it without the capitalization, but I realized that there must be some sort of significance to that day that warrants the capitalization, a significance that no one has discovered yet. I was very much amused by the whole affair going on in Malaysia though—they caught 100+ Muslim couples in budget hotels (the kind that I stayed in when I was in S. Korea). No, it was not a mass orgy, they were couples in different rooms…
..I hope. I don’t understand a single bit of this furore, but whatever floats their boat. Just leave them be lah. They’d be doing it whether it’s Valentine’s or not, it’s not like the day has some great cosmic significance to it that makes everyone experiencing the day itself moist with desire or have their hormones rage so much they cannot stand it.
Look elsewhere. It’s not the day itself =.=
Anyway, after so many years, I’ve decided that
The better times of my life were spent alone, and the best, masturbating.
You can quote me, I think that quote is interesting. I created it, give me credits thanks~
So, to the singles who haven’t been able to see why they shouldn’t be bothered by the alleged significance/way of celebrating today, I’ve decided to come up with a few reasons why you shouldn’t be bothered, and why you should feel proud about being single.
1) You’re saving your money.
No, really, you’re buying gifts for someone, who would reciprocate the gift in return (or die in shame). Flowers are retarded too, I’m watching my colleague sign the receipt of a flower. She’s quite hot, and flowers would do her well, but it’s such a waste of money. Where do all these flowers go when they wilt? They don’t get eaten, their pollen is wasted, and we’re doing the ecosystem a great disservice.
What’s worse is when teenagers date. They don’t bother much about money, because they’re rich or at least their parents want them to think that they are rich. When the time comes for gifts, they splurge. They’re generous in their gifts, forgetting that their parents are the ones giving them the allowance. Of course, they have the “MY ALLOWANCE, MY MONEY” mentality, but really, if you want to indulge yourself in such foolish moments of pride when people praise you for your gifts, stop being the brat that you are and earn your keep. Maybe then you’d realize that your gift translates to a day’s work, and you’d be less inclined to be such an asshole.
What’s with this gifting culture anyway? “I have money, I want my friend to remember me for my gifts”? BORING. If you’re remembered in the form of a pair of earphones for your friend and you like that, there’s another occasion like this. It’s called the Qing Ming festival, and you could be an urn in the columbarium.
If you want to be remembered so much, make it such that your presence would be missed. Be outstanding. Be remembered for who you are and what you do, not what you give.
“Friendship Day gifts” are the worst. If Valentine’s Day were a game and every effort to “celebrate” it were monsters in the game, “Friendship gifts” would be the boss monster.
It has to stop. Really. Friendship Day, when everyone else you know are smooching? I’d rather be shot.
Boss Monster: 1, you: 0
It’s a trap by the way. If you accept any such gifts, you’re basically resigning to the fact that you could only be just a friend to the person giving you a generic gift. You could never get to touch her boobs if you accept the gift.
Don’t pass up that chance.
2) You’re being ironic.
While everyone else is basically in the whole “love is in the air” mood, you could be sullen and withdrawn, making you unique, getting you the attention you want. You will stick out like a sore thumb, because you’re walking alone. That is itself a reward, and you can enjoy feel the envy of all the males who are being lugged around by their meatsacks of females. They will stare at you and wonder “Why does this guy have so much balls?” before hating their lives and whoever is slowing them down by being too lazy/weak to walk on her own. You, on the other hand, can stand tall and proud without additional weight on either side of you. It’d be tits.
3) Personal space
You might be bored, you might be itching to play Runescape, you might be more interested in having sex with your hand, you might be more interested in watching films featuring the most primal act of Sex on your computer screen, but you can never do all these if you’re attached and committed to a girl. You’d have to put aside your masturbation fantasies, pull up your shorts, and get out to have a candlelit dinner (all expenses paid for by you, the man).
Guys, seriously, think about it. Watching porn is free. Masturbating is free. Dating is not. Do you really want to place so much money on a gamble for satisfaction of your dick? What if she says “No, let’s not ruin tonight with the discussion of sex”, and gives you a provocative smile while you start thinking that all hope isn’t lost, because “discussing” is not the same as “act”. When you realize this fact, and that your partner is smiling in that seductive way, the idea of “SEX” clonks back into your head, only to have her state slowly, to your huge disappointment and boner, that
“and the act of it”.
Just go commit suicide or something. It might make you feel better as you die knowing that your friends and your girlfriend would realize that the cause of your death is ultimately their neglect, and you can die in peace knowing that your spirit, and the thoughts of you, would be haunting them for their lives—but don’t bet on it. If they’re willing to neglect you, there must be a good reason why—I’m guessing you’re an idiot.
Who has no friends. BIG YAWN.
Females are unnecessary unless you want to feel like your dick is in a vat of warm phospholipids. Do you really want that? Go buy a sex toy or something, at least it can’t complain when you force your dick into it. Or that you’re too small.
And unlike real females, you don’t need to take them on expensive dates, you don’t have to worry about getting any unwanted pregnancies, you don’t have to worry about being the dick that you are.
As for me, I plan to mate with my hand as often as I can. I plan to impregnate my right hand. And I don’t think any girl is important enough for me to give up Runescape. As long as I’m earning my experience in Runescape and leveling up constantly, I can stand erect.
And until now I haven't gotten myself to reconcile with the fact that the Cupid everyone's so involved with is a baby. And as everyone knows, babies are bad for health, but good for cooking with laksa. As such, I've decided to colour code Cupid. Laksa is red, so Cupid should be red too.
Banned.
No, really, can you believe this shit? A baby flying about shooting people with arrows to make them fall in love? Really? I'd rather get shot in my balls than to believe in this. I'm not that well-versed in Roman/Greek culture, but Cupid is supposed to be a creature born out of pure lust. It's named "Eros" in Greek culture, and everyone knows what "eros" can translate into.
Oh, an interesting side note on why people exclaim "love is blind". If Cupid is really responsible for "love", then we're all fucked, because Cupid is stupid. OK, besides that, he/she/it is also BLIND. I'm not entirely sure about how blind is Cupid, but people around me have mentioned before, and because I can't be bothered to search on Google, I'm just going to take this information granted as true.
"Ooh, Cupid's a baby, how cute, can I breastfeed him?"
No, he'd bite off your tits and cum all over your face before you could even go "Awww so kewt!". If you want to know a culture, know it in its entirety. Don't simply take the easy way out by picking only the good things you see in a certain aspect of something. There are always 2 sides to a coin, and just because you get tails does not mean you don't have to give head.
-- 2/15/2011 03:42:00 PM