Barney and BJ.
Yesterday, I was horny, so I ordered a girl to come over to Sengkang just to suck me off. How many people in the world can claim to be charismatic enough to pull off such a stint? How many dudes out there are able to make girls gravitate to him? She lives in Jurong by the way, so I'm thinking--not many.The blowjob was pretty OK, but her teeth kept scraping against my Indiana Jones. This was not her fault of course, as I have a huge penis. After awhile, I got severely agitated because she just wasn't doing it good enough, so I started humping against her throat. She couldn't take the sudden introduction of a 20-inch by 7-inch monster, so she gagged. Of course I didn't care about her feelings, because I am an asshole and I did what all assholes would do--I shoved my dick through the back of her neck.
After my ejaculation, I had my OMG-what-did-I-just-do moment, and I realized to my horror the bloody mess her ruptured neck was creating, what with my omnipotent semen flowing amongst the sea of red. She stared at me with pleading eyes and tried to say something really intelligent, probably "Save me", but instead gargled as I had demolished her larynx with my spear of meat. Being the nice guy that I am when I'm no longer a dick, I did what all doctors would do--applying a tourniquet on the affected area, namely her neck.
It didn't have the desired effect of saving her though. Her face turned blue and I wondered if I had accidentally created a new species by honouring her with my seed. Heck, I even wondered if her true alien self were manifesting upon receiving my seed, as everyone knows that my sperms are wanted even by alien life forms.
It thus came as a surprise when she died, though her cause of death remained largely a mystery. Being the detective that I am, I arrived at 3 possible answers for her death
1) The tourniquet killed her
2) The loss of blood was too severe
3) My sperms are nuclear.
I didn't know what to do with her body, as it isn't everyday that a hospital receives a corpse with a dick-head-shaped hole blasted through the back of her neck. I didn't want to send her all the way back to Jurong, because even though she took the trouble to come all the way to Sengkang, it doesn't mean I have to reciprocate. So, I decided to honour her body by eating it for dinner. After all, that's a much better way of treating flesh than incinerating it. It's even better if you eat it in laksa. The red-white combination in most laksas would give you a pretty good idea of what to expect when you become a cannibal.
Some of you might wonder: Just why would someone from Jurong come all the way to Sengkang to give Alastair a blowjob?
And invariably come to the conclusion that: If this is true, she must be damn ugly. (that, or "Alastair's lying".)
Ugly? Please. I won't ever plough my dick into ugly chicks. In order to let you have a better idea of who used me and fed on my sperms, I shall post a picture of her. I'd need you guys to burn the first image into memory though, because you'd need to cross-reference it with the second image.
Basically, she looks like a combination of a certain star:
and:
I was walking home after this fiasco when I saw this couple. No, surprisingly, they weren't groping each other. Instead, the girl was singing random songs to her partner, and it was a pretty sweet scene--if not for the fact that the cars were honking and everyone was gawking.
This hypothetically sweet scene was further discounted by the fact that the girl chose to sing "Pretty Boy", and the guy decided to sing with her.
The guy confessed "That's pretty gay."
I can't help but agree.
Oh and I recall that on my walk home after the murder/cannibalistic act, I saw 2 female joggers. Nothing wrong with that, I'm always in the mood to see more jiggling jugs, but what really surprised me was that they put on make-up, reinforcing my views that female joggers are nothing but women attempting to snag other hot male joggers who might cross their paths.
Wearing make-up to jog is like taking off your pants to fart--unnecessary and stupid.
-- 3/18/2011 12:46:00 AM