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It'd be narcissistic to think that there is only world with me in it, which is this. The concept of parallel worlds and/or universes is appealing. It makes me wonder if the "me" in another world is doing things that I'd never get to do, enjoying a life I'd never get to experience. People speculate that whatever didn't happen in the world that we know might have happened in the world that we don't know.
Perhaps Alastair in World 1 is a nerd.
Perhaps Alastair in World 2 is a gangster.
Maybe Alastair in World 3 is a womanizer.
Alastair in World 4 might be a homosexual.
And maybe the Alastair in world 5 might be a little happier then he is right here, right now.
If that very speculation is true, it's depressing to think that I'm making all the mistakes so that the "me" in another universe doesn't, and consequently can, get to/at you. It's like soldiers sending robots across minefields to clear the mines, but I'm the sacrificial hunk (of metal).
Maybe there's a world in which Alastair reaches optimal happiness, but life deals you the cards and I'm contented with my hand. I won't reshuffle for anything in the world.
I'm not feeling miserable, I'm just wishing that all the good things from all the Alastairs would combine to form a super-good life for the Alastair that is right here typing away because whatever it is, I'm ultimately a cosmic idiot and I don't care nor feel that the other Alastairs are suffering.
But then again, even if such a feat was accomplished, the resulting Alastair won't be me. And maybe I won't be able to appreciate good fortune anymore. And I like the way I am/live now, I like the way I function, the way I'm structured, and I don't know why I like it, but I'm glad I do.
So what if you don't appreciate my genius? I do, and that's more important than the validation of others. It's nice, but not necessary.
I have 2 nights free from camp. Book outs are precious and I guess that's why I'm always reluctant to spend time on people not of my family. I don't want to try reaching out anymore even though I'm interested in listening to you.
But ultimately, I will clam up like Cloyster.
One without pearls.
-- 8/08/2011 02:36:00 PM
