My only sunshine.
Interest without commitment is meaningless. Commitment without passion is pointless. Passion without qualification is ignored.
That's probably why I try my best not to get committed to anything, and even when I do, I get ignored.
There was a girl who caught my eye in the train last week on my way home. I was quite intrigued by her, and her seemingly perpetual attention on whatever porn her iPhone was playing. Then I thought to myself, perhaps I could grope her and get away with it because she'd be too slow or engrossed to react.
At this point, you might be shocked or disgusted by my instincts, but I don't think I'm that abhorrent. Men are born to be more enthusiastic about reproduction, spreading of his seed, et cetera. I'm just exhibiting what it is to be a real man. I'm just being the way Nature wants me to be.
But of course, I managed to beat back those instincts of mine and acted like a true gentleman, which includes opening the MRT door for her, putting into motion the gears and cogs of the escalator, ensuring that the barrier doors open for her, et cetera, but as usual my efforts came to naught.
So I just walked on thinking that such people are better off out of sight, out of mind, but to my dismay she followed me, right to the same block. I was quite surprised actually. It must be fate that brought us together, and it doesn't make sense to throw away this perfect opportunity to get to know a neighbour.
Unfortunately my balls disagree, shrank and I didn't say anything to her throughout the lift ride.
It did keep me wondering what things would be like if I were to have a girlfriend who happens to be my neighbour though. Like, if I were depressed at any time I could just ask her to come down and comfort me or something. That does sound comforting, having a bitch I can bitch on 24/7. It's like 999, you know its presence and feel safe, but you don't actually use it (most of the time). It's just a comforting thought that I, unfortunately, don't get to experience.
Sometimes, I feel the need to tear down everyone else's facade or any semblance of glamour. I cannot stand anything pretentious, and it pushes my EQ to its limits every time I see someone like that. You can be part of the executive committee for something, the prom king/queen, the god/goddess of a cult that worships you, the elite of the elite, et cetera.
But you're definitely not someone of central importance in my life. I don't have any of the aforementioned credentials, but I get pissed when people flaunt. I cannot relate to it, I don't have any additional respect to you for whatever you had done, I don't give a fuck.
Besides, who gives a shit about these things? In the grand scheme of things, people come and go. You're nothing, you'd be reduced to nothing, why bother with all these self-important delusions? Does it make you feel happy? Nope, it only makes you feel important. Does that always lead to happiness? Not always.
There are occifers, and there are cadet occifers. Cadet occifers piss me off the most. They think that it's only natural that since they have been "commissioned", they will go OCS when they actually enlist. I can only hope that they don't have too high an expectation of themselves, because NCC is really nothing compared to NS. Besides, cadet occifers are really screwed up. I know one, and he is screwed up. He goes on about how army is all good, how he'd prefer if Singapore went to war because then he won't need to study, how he wants to sign on, et cetera. I found NCC fun. I find SAF not fun. I can only hope he won't be too disappointed when he realizes that he has zero EQ, not much leadership (none that I saw at least), and won't get that bar he wants so much. Oh, you're a cadet occifer, big deal.
People try to tear me down quite often. They like to watch me fall, I like to get up. It's a mutual-parasitic relationship. This reminds me of the song "Skyscraper", but instead of me trying to rise up from the ground to stand tall, I'd rather tear down everyone else too.
I prefer keeping both feet on the ground, I have a fear of height, and I think it's better for everyone else to be at a level in which I don't have to look up to them.
Why wish for additional height if you can wish for everyone else to be short?
My mum used to sing "You are my sunshine" to me. Of course, being a son (son shine) and all, I think I'm entitled to that song. She always sings it in a soothing and somehow prideful manner, and even though I was young (maybe like what, 7?), I kinda felt the underlying melancholy behind the lyrics of the song, which isn't that hard to detect if you read the lyrics. I always felt proud, that I was her sunshine and that she values me so much, and I also felt pressured because as "sunshine", I'd have to keep shining.
I stopped shining a long time ago.
-- 11/12/2011 06:07:00 PM
