Repression management
One of my friends asked me whether the Association has matured me or not. I wasn't very sure how to respond to that, because I wasn't sure whether did it or not.I did learn a few things though.
1) The impotence of anger. The top-down approach doesn't work, because the people with power don't care about abstract things like "emotions", they only care about "accountability". There is no bottom-up approach either, because no one at the bottom dares to make noise--they know it's pointless anyway.
We can only simmer with anger and smoulder in chagrin, and pray for enlightenment over our suffering.
2) Leadership is just a feel-good word. If every person is a leader, why is everyone treated like they cannot take care of themselves? In the Association, what they really need is total control. It does not leave any room for individuals.
3) The importance of money. The Association outsources certain areas of training to companies outside of the Association itself. The Association thus becomes a "boss" of its own right, and it doesn't treat the other companies with respect.
I was talking to a rather high-ranking person once, and he said "That company fucked up one, they are the worst. They try to be like the Association, but they fail at it. I pay them so they should just work. I sacked 2 of them before."
Or something along those lines.
4) The power of games. Give angry people games to play and they'd forget their anger. They will be able to channel their anger into something other than the source of anger itself. People do not forget things easily, but if they find out that there's an alternative, if there's a way to make themselves feel better, to waste their time on, they will take it. And they will still be angry, but no longer angry enough to outwardly express it.
Gaming can control our lives in many ways, and making us apathetic to our very own environment is a very sinister form of control. To fight this, I've decided to download more games before I implode from the stress of not being able to do anything to improve my situation.
There is so much repression and anger I don't even know how to begin to express. Once you start work in the Association, they control your life. And you can't do nuts because you're bounded by the law to comply with whatever shit they want you to go through.
This whole fiasco which led me to the aforementioned conclusions also reminded me of the term "pigeon superstition". Simply put, pigeon superstition simply means that any action of yours can result in a slight cosmic shift that would result in something that is of your favour. Let's say that you're playing card games, and you get a good card immediately after digging your nose. The next time you dig your nose and you get a good card, you'll think that digging your nose would result in getting a good card.
I was tempted to wear red underwear, or avoid wearing certain "known" unlucky underwear. But I realized that I don't want to pin my successes of failures on something so casual as "underwear colour". I can't help but feel that my failure in changing the situation is attributable to the fact that I didn't wear a good underwear though.
Today, I went out with my JC classmates. I went out without 2 things normal humans cannot leave home without.
1) I forgot my handphone. I really don't know why, I remembered to bring my NDS, I remembered to bring my Pokemon Black, I remembered to send my R4 for repairs. But the handphone simply eluded me. I really wonder what's wrong with me sometimes. I got worried because what if they changed the venue?
I found them anyway.
This never happened before. I'm just glad I didn't freak out.
2) I went commando. That is, I didn't wear my underwear. No, this one is planned (;
So I was thinking, if I didn't wear my underwear and the MRT was crowded, would it be considered grinding? If it were, I'd be glad to just participate in this kind of grinding, because I'll be damned to pay to go clubbing when I can get off in a mode of public transport.
The faces you see in dreams are supposedly faces you've seen before. We meet thousands of people everyday (when we step out of our house and go clubbing in the nearest MRT), and any of those thousands of people could become part of your dream. This is quite scary actually. I don't really want to know this fact.
What if a face keeps coming back to me? Wouldn't I feel very helpless when I'm unable to put a name to that face? Wouldn't I want to know that person in depth if he/she is a recurring theme? Wouldn't I become fixated and keep trying my luck to meet that person?
Reminds me of the movie "Next", in which Nicolas Cage kept going to the same restaurant at a certain timing to see whether the girl he'd seen in the future would appear or not.
Last Friday, the one that just passed, was the first book out of the JC batch from Tekong. I was bored and in the vicinity, so I went to see the new recruits. It was an interesting sight, with all of them exclaiming amongst themselves the fact that they managed to survive 2 weeks of BMT, of civilian-deprivation, of everything that makes civilian life worth holding on to.
Kinda reminded me of my first book out, when even traffic lights was a welcome sight.
-- 2/19/2012 04:40:00 PM
Sorry is the hardest word to accept.
Sometimes, your body is filled with energy and you feel like you can take on anybody, you can take on the world. That feeling is exhilarating.Sometimes, your body is sapped of energy and you feel like the whole world can flay you alive and you won't even flinch because you can't even be bothered.
Sometimes you have so much fight.
Just last week, my parents had a gathering of their secondary school friends. De javu much? Naw, it's just that this time, we're the host and it's a different clique.
All of the people invited have children, and one of them, my age, decided to bring his girlfriend along. I don't really know what's his point in doing so, maybe he's bored of just sitting around not contributing to the conversation or trying to make himself enjoy/appear like he is enjoying the occasion, so he decided to cut all pretense and just whack his girlfriend into the situation, but he did it.
And the damnedest thing about this is that his girlfriend simply clammed up.
There's a difference between being socially awkward and being fucking rude, and she crossed the line.
If I'm socially awkward, I'll probably say the wrong stuff, maybe screw up my speech or greetings, and blush and be embarrassed.
If I'm fucking rude, I'll hide behind my boyfriend and not shake the hands extended in front of me, and not exchange greetings with anyone at all.
I was trying very hard to close my eyes to this scene because they were rolling so much.
I cannot fathom how someone who is probably going to be 20 this year (our age) can be so....rude. If we are talking about a child, like a toddler who always clings onto his mother/older sibling and refuse to engage in conversation with the adults, I understand that it is, to a certain extent, cute.
But this? THIS?
You're a teenager, for fuck's sake. Grow up. It's not cute. It's a turn off.
I really don't understand why that guy chose her to be his girlfriend--no other choice? Too lonely an NSF?
If I were to get a girlfriend, she can be socially awkward. I mean, I enjoy watching people screw up. But if she's of such a quality I'd rather throw her away. Someone I can't bring home isn't someone I can hand in as homework done.
My family is important, and if someone's rude to them...no chance.
Speaking about rude reminds me of the current furore over Taiwanese/Japanese singer/actress Makiyo. Recently, she went clubbing with 3 friends, one of whom is a male Japanese friend. After getting slightly tipsy, they got onto the cab, and the taxi driver asked them to fasten their seat belts, which they refused, and subsequently alighted. Here's the report:
http://www.taipeitimes.com/News/front/archives/2012/02/12/2003525256
There are many other reports of course but this is the first that popped up and I'm lazy to do anymore research.
I wouldn't go into the moral issues on how public figures should behave, because I'm not such a moral creature myself. I wouldn't get into how heartless she lied, because there'd be people raving about it already.
What's truly scary about the case is that it highlights 2 aspects of modern life:
1) Big Brother is watching you. Always.
Her lies fell apart only because of surveillance cameras installed in both taxis and shops. Of course, if I were her I wouldn't dare to lie in the first place, because whacking a taxi driver in the middle of the streets isn't the smartest thing to do. Let's face it, even though it's midnight and all, there are still people walking around. There's always people walking around, and as exemplified in this case, invisible eyes.
We live in this climate of fear--we always toe the line not because we want to, but because there's this innate fear that somehow, in some obscure way, your transgressions would be found out.
We never dare to test the system because the notion of the system being completely foolproof is drummed into us so effectively that we're paralyzed with fear.
Often, even when we aren't afraid of getting caught, the punishment promised if we do get caught is too high for us to risk for the seemingly small, insignificant potential benefit of transgressing. For example, if I was thinking of becoming a career snatch thief, I'll think about the consequences of being a snatch thief. If I snatch an old lady's handbag and get like $50, I'll be happy. It's a few minutes of stalking and waiting for the perfect opportunity, so the work I have to put in isn't that huge. Most people don't even earn $50 per hour.
But if I get caught, I face a jail term of N months. So this makes me think, should I risk N months of my life for this $50?
And then I'll get cold feet. And go "This isn't worth the risk."
Is this what life is truly about? So many inhibitions, because our culture promotes it? Because it's a very effective way to get people to toe the line?
I'll applaud Makiyo for having the balls to lie though. I mean, it's definitely a desperate attempt to salvage her reputation, but yea, to have the balls to lie so blatantly is commendable.
2) Humans like to watch other humans fall.
We're all sadistic and it gives us a sense of satisfaction knowing that someone more popular, more well-known, more seemingly accomplished than us as a human being are proven to be human and lousily so. We like to know that we're all the same and we all make mistakes. We like it even more when some people make a mistake so big you feel better about yourself.
Let's face it--we're all insecure dicks.
If it were just any random drunk in the same scenario, it probably wouldn't be so publicized. It wouldn't polarize the media, artistes, and the normal civilians.
3) Sorry is not the hardest word to say, it is the hardest word to accept.
Makiyo went ahead to apologize to the taxi driver's wife. She just kept sobbing and apologizing and sobbing and apologizing and going like "I lost sleep the whole night because I am feeling so guilty" and that kind of crap. See, another case of a female trying to cry her way out of something. It's supposedly much more powerful, this Cry method, when used by a desirable female, but
3.1) I don't have a fetish for Japanese girls, and
3.2) this is too severe a matter.
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| The haggard look is recommended for appearing sincere. |
She lost sleep because she feels guilty--or because her career prospects are now bleak? Of course, she can reinvent herself as the repentant girl or something, but that'd take a lot of energy.
But she will get to move on.
What about the wife then? Her husband was in the ICU (I believe he's better now) because he sustained serious head injuries, 2 broken ribs, and a concussion.
How do you expect the victim's wife to accept the perpetrator's apologies, the perpetrator who callously beat her husband up?
"Sorry" is so easy to say. It's one of the easiest way out of anything. If you don't know what you did wrong, you can simply apologize and then everything is fine because it's the magic word. Let's say that you promised to have dinner with your friend, but at the last hour, you pangseh-ed your friend, and left him high and dry and without a dinner mate, leaving him looking stupid because he alighted at the previously agreed upon MRT station and not the one that is closer to home.
All you have to do is apologize. All he can do is accept your apologies, because then, he'd lose a reason to be angry. If he doesn't accept your apology, you can simply say "Why so petty?"
Let's say you stole someone's husband. You apologize to her. But what then? What does it achieve? By apologizing, you're effectively saying "I'm sorry, I didn't want things to turn out this way but it seems that your husband, oops, ex-husband, wants to be with me instead."
And how do you expect your victim to simply accept your apology?
If I hit you and apologized, would you accept the apology and not retaliate?
You know the cliched joke about the word "sorry"?
A: I say sorry already what..
B: You say sorry so what? Then we need the police for what?
A: To catch people who never say sorry lor.
You apologize, because you did something wrong. People accept your apology because you did something wrong to them. Sounds like a good deal to me, paying lip service after doing wrong to people.
Why should "sorry" be the hardest word to say then?
What Valentine's Day?
Valentine's Day is just another day in camp, spent with friends. Even if I do get to book out that'd be just pointless. Big yawn. I have no friends because they're either dating other guys or not gay.
Boohoo so much for it also being a friendship day.
I'm OK with couples walking around already. I'm used to that fact. What I'm not used to is the fact that everyone else around me is pangsehing me for balder pastures and I'm wondering why.
-- 2/12/2012 04:01:00 AM
The Rejection Bacteria.
I've had enough of people ranting on and on about the camera-less iPhone. To be honest I never had much love for Apple products, but I'm not going to condemn anyone simply because he is an Apple consumer.But there must be a line to draw.somewhere. "A new product" simply isn't the best reason to suck Apple's dick. Being the first few of your friends to get an Apple product also doesn't show much about your person. What, you managed to catch up with "fashion"? Please get over yourself.
This is why I hate Facebook. Whenever there's a new Apple product to be launched, people almost clamber for Apple's attention. Like the camera-less iPhone. You pay around $50 more for less features, like no camera, no 3G phone call or "Facetime" or whatever fuck shit they call it. You're paying more for less...so just fucking give it up lah. Must you use an Apple product for the remaining 13 months of your NS life? What happens after these 13 months? Are you suddenly going to go "OH SHIT I AM SO STUPID"?
Humans don't need foreskin, but we must have foresight. We cannot be so myopic as to decide on a watered down version of something just because it's a brand we want. What's up with everyone and touch screens anyway? I prefer to type without looking at the screen, thanks.
Besides, if you really want an iPhone without a camera, all you need to be is resourceful. There are ways to make an iTouch a phone. I'm not going to find out for you if you're an Apple freak, because I frown upon hip NS phones.
Stop being stupid. Ignorance is one thing, stupidity is another, and I consider the practice of paying more for very stupid.
No wait, this isn't even a matter of intelligence, because even stupid people won't do this. This is a matter of common sense.
Sometimes, I just want to kill everyone.
My parents had a class gathering (from their secondary school) last Sunday, and my sis and I were caught in a rather uninteresting environment. The TV was showing some movie titled "The Last Song", starring a pair of teenagers making out whenever they could (which is whenever their parents weren't looking), at the shed, on the beach, in the car, mud wrestling, and then making out all over again.
I don't know who in the right mind would direct this movie and who in their right mind would want to act in such a brainless movie. It was so mindless my sis decided to take it upon herself to relieve everyone of their boredom by flipping through channels.
We settled on Godzilla.
Isn't it quite cool that my parents are still in relatively close contact with their secondary school friends? I find it amazing. I'm never good with connections and maintaining relations, partly because I suck at initiating conversations and partly because I'm quite a sociopath and shun everything popular. So yea.
But isn't it quite scary too? Seeing everyone you've been on the same level with soar to greater heights while you seemingly aren't improving at all? That your children will be used as a gauge of your success in parenting? That everything you do or say might invite envy or condescension from the eyes of others? That everything about you might be judged?
What about parenting? Having kids is the most stressful commitment one can engage in. You can get divorced from a marriage. Being a parent is different though. Let's face it, the verity of your marriage certificate can be changed, but the name of your child's parents will not.
It's a lifelong commitment, and you can never be sure that your child turns out the way you want him to. You want to induce growth, but you don't want him to lean towards a certain area because of an invisible parental force. You want him to grow up in a positive environment, but you don't want to spoil him. You want him to listen to your instructions but you want him to have his own mind. You want him to grow up but you want him to listen to you. You want to cede control of his life to him, but you don't.
Aren't they stressful?
And of course, you want to show off the fruits of your labour. You want friends and relatives to realize that your children are awesome, polite, and whatever. You want them to be impressed by your ability to rear kids.
But you don't want to make your children feel like they're your trophies, that they are your bragging rights, your trump card over the high-flyers you have for friends.
How do we deal with all these?
Fortunately, I won't have to, at least not for the time being. I'm not attached and I realized..that I'm not really looking either. I find flaws in girls so easily, I wonder if there's something subconsciously saying "NO" to every girl that presents herself to me.
I think this comic is true for a lot of guys that I know. Probably not so true for me, but sometimes my balls shrink too. But whatever. I mean, we live only once. So why bother making yourself feel terrible? I mean, why stop yourself from enjoying your life or trying your luck with any girl you have the opportunity to flirt with? Energy is meant to be spent, not stored and slept away.
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| Rejection bacteria! |
http://zs1.smbc-comics.com/comics/20120128.gif
We should take things one step at a time. I should get attached first before I start thinking of the kids. Get my point about me being a man of too much foresight now?
-- 2/01/2012 12:46:00 AM