Mince.
He was lurking behind, packing up his deck of cards that were used to play a particularly painful game of Truth or Dare. I didn't allow him to, I couldn't let him be the last person to leave the room. But maybe I should have. Maybe I should've allowed him that little bit of privacy and not ruin his excuse to be left alone, for just that little while.
His face said it all: He's a nice guy. He doesn't seem like a particularly street-smart nice guy, and he definitely isn't what I'd call attractive.
But just because he isn't attractive doesn't mean he can't be attracted to others, and it seems like he's attracted to someone for why else would he be present?
Everyone is fawning over her. Maybe their intentions were pure, as pure as a 16 year old can be, but they all seem to be gathered there to make an impression. To be, in turn, admired. And the boy mentioned above is no exception.
And he knows! He knows that he's not attractive. He knows that he's going to end up bullied, burnt. But he does it anyway, because if he doesn't get burnt now, then when? He's a willing victim. He wants to be burnt, and he just got burnt, and it got a bit painful and he doesn't know if he regrets it and he's trying to rearrange his facial expressions to better suit the mood that he is supposed to be in, and he needed that little bit of privacy. But I denied him even that.
I don't understand this need for birthday parties. It's a birthday, and so? And so you want to hold a massive celebration where your friends are compelled to come because they have to function socially. You make people feel compelled to turn up, even against their wishes, because it is after all your birthday and who can go against the wishes of the one in power? Your friends don't want to disappoint you after all. And so this emotional blackmail is done in the most artful manner, so subtle you can't really call it emotional blackmail.
I hate birthday parties. I like crowds, I like the noise, but I don't ever want to hold a birthday party where everyone is clamouring for any single person's attention, where everyone is fawning over someone, where conversations don't come freely, where there are stupid truth-or-dare games, where awkward moments arise when you confirm your suspicions that your friends like you in a romantic way.
Which means that if there's a birthday party where the main focus is not on the person celebrating the birthday, it sounds good.
Birthdays in general are not good for me. I'm pretty sure there's a ranking system in every Birthdayer's mind. It should go something like
"It's my birthday today, I should spend it with someone I'm in a relationship with."
"It's the day after my birthday today, I should spend it with a close friend."
And so on.
And I understand this ranking system. I would have such a ranking system myself if I were more self-absorbed or popular. Mostly the latter.
So I'm often celebrating birthdays for people weeks after or weeks before, because I'm not important enough for them to clear their schedules for, but important enough for them to use Birthday celebrations as an excuse to play catch up.
And yea there's another thing I don't understand: Truth or Dare.
If I'm your friend and you've something you're keeping from me despite my best efforts to dig it out of you, I definitely won't use this stupid game to extort it out from you. If you're keeping a secret from me there must be a damn good reason why you're keeping a secret in the first place, and forcing it out from you in such a public way is...fucked up.
Dare. Dare? Seriously? I'd rather play strip poker...
...with guys.
It makes things awkward. It's stupid. The inventor of this game has a weird screwed up mind.
If you can't get information out, you don't have to adopt this scorched-earth policy. Don't burn everyone in awkwardness with your stupidity and apparent lack of charm.
Which is probably why you can't get people to confide you in the first place.
I went jogging just now. I haven't ran for..2 whole months already. I thought I'd forgotten how to run, but naw, I still remember.
The weird thing is, I was walking home (uhh...cooling down) when this girl walked beside me. We were walking at the same pace when I had this sudden urge to engage in a conversation with her, because she was wearing a JC shirt, Innova I think, and she was out at 8PM on a Friday night.
So I gathered my balls, I mean, mustered my courage and asked
Hi, just finished training or something?
She was quite startled and blurted something about "You're sexy when coated in sweat", before correcting herself "SORRY THAT WAS MY AUTO-CORRECT. I mean, yes."
So I now have her on Facebook.
Naw I didn't talk to her. I was very tempted to though, but I thought "naw, too young."
And temptation was running high so I just ran off like the pussy I am.
There's this problem that I have. I tend to think of women as accessories. But I don't really find this a problem, except that most people around me think it's a bad way to treat women. But meh.
I mean let's face it, you want a woman to bring around for social and familial situations. You want someone that can bring out a different side of you. You want to seem responsible for the life/progress of someone else.
Shit, OK, women are not accessories. They are pets.
OK never mind they are accessories. Because they...just are. And this is just me stripping down to the essence of a relationship. You want an accessory that can breed good kids, that you can bring out for any kind of situation.
It's the same for women, they want a man that they can bring out and be brought out with.
I've come to the conclusion that I don't make the best accessory to a girl, because I'm too much of an asshole. I'm too blunt. I'm too sexual.
People don't like that, especially women, because they don't want to think, or let other people think, that they are dating a pervert.
But I've realized that being a pervert's the only perverse way to filter out people who are discerning and people who aren't. Except that the people who are discerning more often than not don't make the best accessories themselves, which makes life hard for perverts like myself.
But that's fine, it will sort itself out. I get this feeling that I can charm a lot of people. And some day with a greater pool of people to work with I will be able to strike gold.
Some day.
I don't mince words, I can't mince words, I can't afford to.
-- 3/30/2012 11:20:00 PM
