Do.Not.Touch.
After a few days of trying to collect my emotions, I've realized that I am still deeply unsettled by the way certain things have turned out.Everyone has some really...not so clever friends on Facebook. They can be people that you don't personally know, but are your "juniors" or "seniors". You might have a really strange unrelated-relations with them, so you don't feel like it's anything too major to block them from appearing on your news feed. That's otherwise known as unsubscribe? Fuck it.
Unsubscribing is normally done when you feel like this person will never spew anything remotely interesting and/or related to you, so you can safely block all "information" coming from them without fear of reprisal. If you're really unrelated and don't want to bother with the pretense, you can even delete the person in the action called "unfriend".
That said, there are times when someone close (was) to you does something so repulsive you actually feel physically ill and want to vomit. But you can't do squat about it, because he/she was quite a huge part of your life and you don't want to simply unsubscribe from them, and unfriending isn't an option either.
That's why I'm thankful for the Facebook God, because there's this option:
 |
| God. Help. Me. |
I ought to be thankful for that option, but unfortunately, what has been seen cannot be unseen.
To make matters worse, it has become a profile picture. The most disturbing thing is that profile pictures are constantly updated on my phone, so my contacts will present a mosaic of random people I have on Facebook, and I might just barf any moment. This option of not seeing....does not help.
I have a caveman/lion mentality. My female friends are mine, to be locked away in my den. No one else touches them besides me, even if I don't want to touch them myself. I could introduce new mates for them to play with, but only if I approve of them in the first place. I don't approve of much though.
I've always found people who suddenly get together after/during orientation really...weak. You barely know that person, you only have raw, novel feelings about the whole situation. You're like "Wow OK that's the person I had to do all that disgusting shit with, and since I've gone through all that with him, he's not that bad so we should get together and try to relive it".
I think that's not the smartest thing to do. It's another way to get over the guilt of having done the disgusting shit with that person in the first place. Imagine being coerced to buy a branded bag that you never had any interest in, but had to do it because the shopping mall guards won't allow you to leave the mall unless you can show that you've been a good sheep, I mean, consumer. The guards said that you have to buy a bag of at least $150, so you bought one nearest to that price, and got a $155 bag. It looked shitty, but you were just paying your way to get out of the shopping mall of hell.
When you're on your way home, you don't know how to explain things to your parents, about how you were coerced by shopping mall guards into purchasing something you never wanted in the first place. You're afraid that they won't believe your story, because no shopping mall in their knowledge does that. You can't show that you don't like the bag either, because you've already bought it, and the most convenient thing to do is to simply feign that you like it, so you start psyching yourself into believing that that bag is all that you've wanted in life. You overcompensate and forget that it was something you initially didn't like, and then you're stuck with the delusion that you like a bag that subconsciously, you don't. When a better, more suitable bag comes along, you might still shortchange yourself because it has become a pride issue, like "I don't want to know that I made the wrong choice."
That's basically my analysis of orientation couples.
Someone once told me that I am "permanent and forever but he may not be", in reference to her previous boyfriend. Well I've learnt that there's no permanence in friendship and I should just let it go.
I was never interested in you as a mating partner, but I've never wanted you to end up with someone like that.
This is not something any amount of alcohol or nicotine can wipe away.
Anyway I'm supposed to be having a gathering of people for something very mundane. I don't like gatherings and the mixing of social groups, so I tried to keep the mixing to a minimum. That said, I do know that people who read this are probably people who I want to keep in contact with, and if I failed to invite you for the free alcohol, remind me of your existence.
I really suck at being a host, because I am so fucking reluctant. I'm an awkward turtle, I prefer living in the world of DotA2 or some shit. I don't like social situations, but since it's a trial the higher-up forces upon me, it will be one that I can overcome.
-- 8/17/2013 03:03:00 AM